Writing in English is always good. How long have these negative thoughts been a problem for you?
Sounds like you lost someone to suicide?
I lost someone last year and you go through a huge range of emotions when you lose someone that way.
Just because you are depressed doesn't mean you are bi-polar. BP is much more complicated than that and requires a long evaluation of all of your history. Of course, it doesn't mean you aren't either.
My guess is that you need to seek help by a psychiatrist (pdoc) and/or therapist to get your loss issues out. At 19, I don't know if you are working and have insurance or if you are on parents insurance - but even if you DON'T have it, you can get help at your local hospital ER. I bottomed out after not dealing with the issues of my friend's suicide.
The danger is a lot of survivors of suicide also attempt suicide - if you are having any negative thoughts - admit it (at least to yourself) and seek help immediately. I attempted suicide after my mental state went in the toilet. The thoughts can sneak up on you when you are most vulnerable - don't handle it alone, even if it's a hospital that helps you.
You need to go to the ER if you are having thoughts and schedule an appointment with a doctor, asap. ALSO, if you are suffering as a survivor of suicide, please look up your local NAMI, and look at this website www.outofthedarkness.org I am working on fundraisers in my area under "Remembering Darryl", and there is a wealth of information on the stigmas of suicide.
Bottom line - I tried to figure out the "why" - but a decision of suicide is THAT person's decision - not yours, and you may never know why. That person's decision doesn't have the right to make you make decisions in YOUR life now because of it. They took their life - not yours, in other words.
Let me know how it's going. I know where you are - been there myself. PS. you DON"T want to have BP...trust me. BUT, get help to see where you are.
I know we posted many times in the past about this issue. I am curieous as to why you have not gone to get evaluated by a psychiatrist/psychologist. yet.
It has been almost a year and you are still haveing the same issues.
Please seek help to give yourself some peace of mind. If you are in the states there are some very good resources available to you if money is a problem.
Love Venora
no its not sum1 in my family i dont even knw the psron like hav seen him once and he commited this over 3 and a half years ago and i only start worrying about him his last while dats y i cant belive im letting it get to me. becuase basically hes a stranger to me and i dont know him. i have to look after myself!! im jus scaredbecause bad thughts pop up and i think there going to happen. but honestly i shudnt b worrying about him...shudnt i not???