death and suicide

[Mom2four85]

I kind of mentioned this in another thread about something bothering me but I'm curious about others experience with this.

does it mean you're suicidal if you wish you would die? not commit suicide but to die of some physical something? since surgery in Aug 2009 that's how I've felt and can't shake this feeling.  I had a DNR do not rescuitate order which they ignored when my heart stopped and I get so angry sometimes that they let me live.  

I had different dreams I tried to commit suicide as a teen then a young adult in my first marriage...I don't know if they're real or just my subconscious playing tricks on me since I've had some weird memory losses.  How could i not remember something so important and it just now surface after all these years if it's really true?  these dreams are really starting to bother me and I'm going to talk to the dr when I go on the 18th I have to figure this out.

I'm under a tremendous amount of stress daily caring for my youngest 2 children and being physically/mentally sick all the time...youngest son is Autistic and he never used to bother me and for 10 years have done everything I can for him to be just one of the other kids and now I can't stand to even see to his needs.

my poor husband is not only working his job but then has to come home to me sick and whining/crying about what a hard day i've had with them then I usually go sleep and let him take care of everything.

maybe I just want it all to end? do others go through this also on a daily basis?

[Mom2four85]

I'm such a mixed jumble of emotions I don't know how to cope sometimes.  I really think physical pain from so many problems makes my mind worse.  If ONLY I would [insert something here] say die in my sleep; I would be out of pain...then days later I feel bad for thinking that way then spend days beating myself up for thinking this way.

For 2 years, I've had all my will, letters for family, estate planning, things for kids, what I want/don't want etc in my safe....at times I'm SO freakin angry they let me live when I had a DNR - don't bring me back don't try anything to keep me here order...yet they did 3 times during the procedure.  

Part of my nightmares I still have is remembering my heart feeling like it was going to burst and sitting up scream STOP the surgery over and over until they sedated me (RF ablation with Versed so I wasn't knocked out) then I cry because I know my family would be devastated but get over my death... in the mean time I have to endure this pain and living like this for who knows how much longer.

Then I get all pissy at them because they get mad I can't do something.  I can't stand long without my heart racing or dizziness/fainting; so it's difficult to cook or clean and many things.  My husband gets irritated easily which hurts my feelings and I think he tries to understand sometimes but he doesn't realize how much he impacts me and expects way too much out of me.

then I get depressed over it all over again...which starts another viscious cycle

[Xila31]

I've fought the suicide demon for a long, long time. Since I was twelve. It does have many faces.

Mild ideation comes at me with the "if I were dead everyone would be happy/that would show them" type of drama thought. Nothing I would ever act on. I just say, "Shut up, that's not going to happen." When it's a bit worse I have thoughts like "Maybe I'll get hit by a car." Sometimes when I leave the house and I kiss everyone goodbye I get these chills "what if something happens and this is the last time I see them?" I know these are all the "preoccupation with death" or however that is spelled.

When the real darkness rolls in it is not pretty. I've only had two actual attempts in my life, once when I was twelve and again when I was about 15. But I have had issues with self-harm and outbursts of physical attacking... I am violent toward myself only at these times, and I know these are times when I'm most vulnerable. It really does feel like being possessed by something much darker and scarier that I can't really describe.

I've formed very solid plans about why, how, when, where, who I would contact for dealing with my estate, what I would have as my last meal.... who would get letters... that's not a good place. You do not want to be there.

But I lost my mom to cancer. I don't want my husband and kids to lose me to suicide. This is the most important fight of my life. And I refuse to let the demon win.

[looloo141]

Oh poor you! No wonder you're feeling the way you are! So much physical stuff going on and there's nothing worse than dental pain! Ouch..
I'm glad you are seeing your doctor soon, it sounds like you are ready now for a thorough chat and to get his opinions and get some kind of care plan!
good luck, thinking of you..
Keep us posted!

[cowgirlnerd]

I went from suicidal ideations to attempting in a split second.  It wasn't even a conscious decision.  I started out thinking that if I took a few more benadryls then I would sleep better, then I started just taking and taking and taking everything I could find.  I just wanted it to all stop.   I didn't think about the "after" or anything - only that it needed to stop..the pain, the misery, the burden on my family - all of it.

SO, take your thoughts seriously and talk to your pdoc like you plan to do.  Our mind is quick acting, it seems, to go to the thoughts and we just have to try to keep them from turning into actions.  

Good luck - hope you feel better.

[Mom2four85]

thank you for all of the responses; sorry it's taken so long to reply but I had to have some biopsies done and then a nerve went out of sync in my jaw that's been excruiciating and haven't slept or eaten etc...saw a dentist who fixed a tooth that was broken open on the side leaking mercury ugh!  and I knew I tasted something weird so who knows how long it's been leaking; I've been really out of it almost a week except an occassional hour or so after meds start working.

I'm seeing the psych dr tomorrow and going to talk in length about what's going on so I know what to look for and signs just in case - I wish I'd get my memory back so I can deal with all this and move forward...being in this limbo state is bothering me.  I talked to my husband and he doesn't remember me telling him about this so maybe it's just a dream or sinetgubg I've hidden it for so long I just don't want to remember.

the good thing is I'm looking forward to the visit tomorrow unlike the other doctor's I've seen - I was completely anxious but not sure why...maybe he's going to be the one to help me

[looloo141]

Hi there, I'm completely "off my head" today as my son describes it but just wanna share my thoughtsss.
When I read your posts, a picture comes into my head of you talking to a professional ( I can't tell which kind) and you are kind of in a trance like state ( maybe when you were unconsious in theatre ?!) and this other person is holding your thoughts ( stay with me, I know it sounds ludicrous ) holding them like a photograph film, and just weaving through them all, unravelling each thought and memory into some kind of order, talking you through each one and sorting it all out..
It seems that you need to get things straight in your mind because it's holding you back, big time!
I don't exactly know how they could actually do it but there must be some kind of therapy like hypnotism or something, I know I sound crazy but it's kinda like your brain needs resetting or reooting, get rid of the confusion..
just the thoughts of a crazy woman, LOL hugs

[lindahand]

If you aren't suicidal you are teetering close to it, but thankfully you don't have a plan. If you start to develop a how to manual - you need to get somewhere safe for a few days. It is important to talk to your psychiatrist and therapist about how you are feeling so it doesn't escalate. Right now you don't think you'd do anything, but you don't want to take that risk with something as big as this. We lose too many good people to this illness. Unless I am really mistaken they won't committ you. You aren't in imminent danger as most states require. If it is bad enough they may suggest some time in the hospital, but leave that final decision up to you.

I can't state strongly enough how important it is to start talking about your feelings with a professional. A pdoc, a psychologist, a social worker, someone with at least a bit of knowledge about bipolar or at least mental illness. See someone with at least a master's degree in psyc. or social work. Your average 2 year after degree marriage and family therapist isn't a good idea. I've been that route twice due to only having that option through my husband's insurance. They tried hard but had no grasp of what living with a mental illness was like. Their frame of reference in both cases was that they knew someone with bipolar disorder. They are cheaper, but in this case you get what you pay for.

Please don't wait any longer. Share these thoughts with someone real.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

They won't hospitalize you unless you're a danger to yourself at the time and even then it's sometimes voluntary even in that situation and they will try really hard to prevent you from being admitted if it's anything like the hospital out here.

[Kayannaboo]

You are considered suicidal if you have thoughts of harming yourself or frequent thoughts of death in relation to you especially. You need to talk to someone a psychiatrist is best. You can received counselling as well as medication to deal with all you are faced with.

Keep us updated.

[Mom2four85]

thanks for answering, trying to figure out my problem has been a complete puzzle...if they do say I'm suicidal what would they do? do I have to show I'm a danger to myself at the time or just that I have been in the past?  I don't think that's the case but I'm sick of going through life the way it has been...things piling upon top of things added to my stress and anxiety.

one fear I have is, if it's true with trying suicide before; the state of mind I'm in even though I didn't remember this happened until recently would I have a chance to do this again under extreme stress like I am? I don't recall why exactly; so maybe it wasn't the case. I just don't think I would do that but thinking about dying consumes me; which confuses me.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I don't know about it being suicidal, perhaps "parasuicial" as therapists have mentioned around me to each other and other clients at PACT in groups where it means "like suicide".  I'm not sure though.  I'm sure it either means you're jaded or depressed, though and as far as I'm aware those are two different things and you can be both at the same time.