I don't even like myself.

[OliviaXIV]

I can't stand myself. I can't stand the way I am. I don't even know if I'm bipolar, but I question if I really am. I'm only a teenager, 15 years old. And I'm not going to assume that I'm bipolar, I don't want to blame my problems and faulty qualities on a mental disorder. But I'm doubting my sanity. I really am. Not to the point where I'm suicidal or anything. But to the point where I feel like I've hit rock bottom.

I don't want to be me. I hate me. And I don't even know why. That's not true, I do know why but I don't know how I could possibly be so terrible. Maybe it's just me, every society has some **** bags thrown in there somewhere. They're everywhere, maybe I'm just one of them?

I don't know why I'm like this. I feel like there's an answer because everyone around me seems happy. Everyone that I know well doesn't have these problems. They don't go through this. Maybe they're different, or maybe they're just really awesome human beings. And maybe I'm just not meant to be that way.

I'm a compulsive liar: I think I know why I lie. I lie to avoid disappointment or anger from others. Out of fear. Even when they say "I'll love you anyways, it doesn't matter what happened, I just want the truth." I can't stop. I have to lie. And there is always a consequence after. Because people always find out, that's just the reality. But even though I know that. Even though I know that they're going to find out, I put that at the back of my mind and tell myself they won't and keep lying. I lie just out of habit, or out of fear, or SOMETHING. I lie unconsciously. About stupid little things. But after a while they're not stupid. They become something that people care about, because they care about me, and they want me to care about them. It's funny that I do this to the people I love most. I don't do it because I don't love them. I do it because I'm afraid they won't love me. The truth isn't even bad. I didn't do anything wrong. Or at least nothing major, nothing that I would have gotten in trouble for or hurt anyone over if I had just told the truth in the beginning. But for some reason I have to lie about it, and that's what makes it really very bad.

I don't feel like myself: I have ADD which I've learned to deal with. I have terrible mood swings. Just awful. One point I'll be very happy and the slightest thing could bring me to tears, or to anger to the point where I kick a hole in the wall. Yes, that did happen. My dad failed to tell me that he was going to be gone for 90 minutes, and left me in front of the nail salon for an hour or so. I screamed, and yelled, and cried, and kicked a hole in the wall. I couldn't stop myself. I do that a lot. I get upset very easily, and once I get upset I can't get out of it. I can't leave it or drop it or talk about it rationally I just keep going. I'm very easily teared up. I cry over nearly everything. Even things that aren't even happening. Sometimes if I'm feeling depressed I just cry. Even if I'm not depressed, if I'm afraid or someone I care about is upset, I cry. Crying is the result of nearly everything.

When I get sad, I get very sad. My life has to come to a halt every time I go into a depressed state. My whole life seems to have come to a halt. And I can't do this anymore. I can't. I want to be a normal happy teenager, who does things the right way. Who has healthy relationships, without lying, or going into this insane depressive and hyper periods. For once, I want to have a stable mood because I can't balance school, my relationship, my future, and my fun for much longer. Hell, I don't even have any of that anymore. I could do much better. I could be a better person, and I don't feel normal. I know I'm not normal, and I just want to know what's wrong and fix it. Because I have a feeling that if I don't pretty soon I'm going to lose the man I love, and if I'm who I am now if that happens I'm going to ruin myself.

I'm already having these terrible panic attacks. Panic attacks where I scream at the most piercing volume in dead hours of the night to the point where my mom rushes into my room thinking I'm being hurt. I pull out my hair, and hit myself in the head, and scratch myself. I can't calm down. I can't handle myself. I can't do this anymore.

Maybe this just seems like a typical teenage life to you, but it doesn't to me. I don't think this is average, I don't think my behavior is average.

[morbidlyeuphoric]

I was going through a lot of the same things at your age. I knew something was wrong, but most people just thought I was a normal, moody teenager. WRONG. I wasn't diagnosed until i was 23. You should talk to someone. But i did the lying-and still do-and i know exactly what your talking about when it comes to that. I have no idea why i do it...but it IS out of habit at this point. but i'm working on it now. I hope you do talk to someone, and talk to us:) Take care of yourself

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I think a lot of people don't take kids and teenagers seriously when they have serious problems like this.  I know when I suspected I had mental illness and I was your age everyone told me I couldn't possibly have it and well here I am 23 and diagnosed with it so I guess I was right in the end.  As Xila31 says sometimes you can't just get over it, hell there's evem some traumatic events that will happen to you as a kid where it actually rewires and restructures the brain to where you can't just get over it and it's hard to just get over it when your brain is tormenting you or trying to kill you.http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Bipolar-Disorder/I-dont-even-like-myself/show/1053712#

[Xila31]

Hi,

You know, this isn't a typical teenage life, but it is very familiar to me. You see, many many of the things you say I have struggled with. Panic attacks, hating myself, the depression, the exhaustion and wishing I was just "normal." The crazy mood swings and anger.

You are not alone!

I look back on my teenage life and I see how much in destress I was and how no one helped me get through it. People used to give me the same lines. "You're just a kid, what do you have to be stressed about." or "You're just a big drama queen." or "You're just manipulative." or "Everyone gets sad, just get over it."

Well, you know what? Sometimes you can't jut get over it. You say you don't want to blame your problems on a mental illness, but I think you need to talk to a therapist and a psychiatrist. Go to you parents and if they don't listen for whatever reason, reach out at school. A teacher once save me from suicide, just by listening to what I had to say.

Trust me, there are people out there that can help you. You CAN have a normal happy life as much as possible even if you have a mental illness. That doesn't make us bad people any more than people with cancer, diabetes, or MS are bad people. It is a biochemical problem.

And come here and talk to us. We'll listen. We've been there. Hang in there and keep us posted.