doing it to myself

[hell1971]

Does anyone ever wonder if they are doing it to themselves, since being diagnosed back in november i have not had more than a few weeks of stability and this has only happened a few times. So since then I have been seeing a doctor who has been modifying my meds along the way. I do sometimes wonder am i as bad as they think, surely i can get a grip and stop this rollercoaster of course I think this when I feel balanced, when im feeling unbalanced I am full in the whole idea that im sick and need help. im not sure how to explain it really but its almost like before being told im bp i got on with it went with my mood swings now diagnosed and im trying to somehow resist them, it feels fake, like im not myself anymore. i want to go back

[zzzmykids]

Dear Hell,
Like you, I staved off meds or diagnosis until my forties.  But it was due to the tiredness and just not being able to have the strength to function normally without something. Since then the road has been rocky.  Didn't know I needed a pdoc instead of an ill trained gp.  Caused trouble, serious trouble in my late forties and has altered me forever.As the years go by the meds wear off, then the fun of finding new meds w/o unacceptable side effects.
Right now I am ok.  Not introspective and not manic, just at peace for a change. But I do believe as we age, take meds we do change for the more "dramatic" affects of the disorder we call bipolar.
And no, I don't think we can fake it, accentuate it for a point, lazy in bed by "faking" it or just be rude as an excuse.  It is real, it is what we can deal with and be thankful for the good times or we can wallow in the vomit of the times of dung.
zzzmykids

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes I can look back and state things have improved. Regardless of any recovery I had had regarding psychosis, as I have schizoaffective I need a quality mood stabilizer to go with it and my psychiatrist was the first to state the Clonidine was not it (that's not what it was prescribed for). Regardless of the fact that the new anti-convulsant I am on (used to control spasms in an experimental usage) is not a mood stabilizer I can see clear effects in that area and my psychiatrist agreed. Bedtime is now midnight not 3 A.M. Regardless of my recovery he was asking me a lot of questions last time and I did ask him why as he had always asked me to confine the topic to my mental health life not others. But as I had taken some action (out of concern) in regards to a few times that I ran into people who were blatantly psychotic and needed help but didn't realize it at all he was trying to find out whether it was done in a rational state or part of grandiosity or mania. After discussing it with him he agreed my actions were rational and made sense. But we all need to keep track of what we are doing as part of a self regulation process and see what the trigger points are for emergent mania. Clearly episodes of extreme insomnia are an easy one and I should have realized but there were other factors behind the insomnia as well. Self awareness and stability though should increase as treatments improve in the near future but having the ability to monitor and understand what we are going through and discuss it with our providers is essential at any time.

[cowgirlnerd]

A lot of the times, we are becoming "self-aware" and it might not be that you are making it worse- you are just aware of what you have been experiencing in the past.  

While becoming stable is a constant effort, the ability to be stable is always something we strive for.

Hang in there.

[Xila31]

I just started meds 2 days ago. I know I've been bipolar since I was a kid. I can look back and pinpoint some of the worse times for mania and depression that I can remember. I do believe that you can make it worse by dwelling on it or believing that only the meds help and there isn't anything you can do mentally. I learned to know how it felt, I knew it was effecting others, so I did my best to act "normal" even when I was freaking out either one way or the other. There were some times when that was even more than I could do, but I still tried.

I'll tell you, though, that as I've gotten older it has gotten harder. I feel myself slipping more often and it is harder to hold on to the few strands of "normal" that kept me appearing like I was okay. So, that's why I went to  my doctor to finally learn what I've known for years. Just because I am exhausted and I need help.

That doesn't mean I"m going to give up on watching for signs and knowing when my behavior is slipping and trying to keep a close watch on myself. I believe we all have to take responsibility for our actions even though we are bipolar. Just because I'm bipolar doesn't mean I'm better or worse than anyone. I can either choose to let this rule me or I can continue to fight it. Now I have a little pill to help me do that, but I'm still going to do my part.