Finding yourself again after diagnosis

[BeeKeeper]

All the books I read and therapists/psychiatrist I see tell me that I need to work on "finding myself again" after being diagnosed with BPII and BPD.  Granted, the world in my head (and sometimes in reality) is screwed up - but it has been for years.  I also understand that if I keep doing what I've always been doing...it will kill me...one way or another.

Curious if anyone else has been told/read this?  Did you "find yourself"?  How did you do it?

[mejeba]

sorry....that wasn't a helpful post.  

[mejeba]

I'm still struggling and looking for someone to like in here.  I find it really discouraging.  This has been going on all my life, although I was not dx'd (Bipolar and 'complex' PTSD) until 4 yrs ago at the age of 54.

[Xila31]

Take care and keep us posted. I hope things get better for you. You're right, you're not alone. Just remember that. I know it's hard. At least we can all come here and talk to each other about these things.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks Xila31 and RyeBear for the last comments.  Xila31, I will try your suggestion and try not to gravitate to the negative.  I sure I am not alone on this site in saying that your childhood experiences are shared by many here.  I liked your thought on going forward too...but that's completely different discussion as I can not do that any longer either...just getting mentally, physically and spiritually tired of trying honestly...but the sun will rise again tomorrow...so, so must I.  Thanks again - best wishes.

[RyeBear]

I believe you misunderstand. These 'elements that torture you', I mean the internal conflict, and the factors that create that conflict. For example, not too long ago, I woke up and found myself set in a deep despair for uncertain reasons. A raging and agonized cry seemed to reverberate from within my very core. Immediately taking refuge provided by my medication, I soon took it upon myself to express how I felt and what I thought by writing it down. By doing this, I realized that I was tortured by feelings that seemed to have been carved into my heart by past events and the almost absolute need to be held. But my mind found this trivial and weak, a vulnerability that is neither needed nor wanted, so it greatly disapproved of these 'irrationalities' and would like nothing more than to smother them. But to be able to do that, to have absolute control, the mind must be stable. My mind was fighting with itself - to put it very simply - because of the relishing of carnal things and the love and the inclination to be closer and more like God. Although I am still conflicted with these things, it gives me peace to know what is going on and why I feel and think the way I do.

As for getting over being analitical, there isn't much you can do but lessen it a little by dismissing the littlest things, no matter how it goes against your fur.

[Xila31]

Ah, that's just it, BeeKeeper, I have never been in a place where the illness was not affecting me. I'm pretty sure that I've been bipolar pretty much my whole life. 12 year old girls don't randomly try to commit suicide. And I had serious emotional problems before that. I cannot remember a time when people would not comment to my mother on what "a strange" child I was. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would have panic attacks at school. And so on. I was always labled as "too sensitive" by anyone. I'm sure that if my mother had been aware of things like bipolar she would have pushed harder to get me help. I was seeing a child psychologist at 10 years old because I had "phantom pains" that kept me from playing with my peers.

When I was 13 I came up with idea that I was two people. Somewhere on the inside I was a beautiful person that was being held hostage by an ugly person. I had an identity crisis that followed me from around 10 years old until I was 18 when I changed my name legally in the hopes of "getting away" from a person I wasn't. But you know, I still struggle with it. Who knows, maybe it was because I grew up always knowing my mother was going to die. I don't know. But I feel like my whole life has been a big struggle and I have always had to fight to survive.

And I am 30 and I was just diagnosed now? How does that happen? Just because you have always had bipolar doesn't mean you have never been "yourself." You're in there. You always have been. I know it. Just like I'm in here and I know it, too. Sit down with a pen and paper and start writing stuff down. Just start with your roles. You are the child of two people. You are the spouse of one person. You are the parent of these kids. Facts. That's where you start. Then move on to favorite things. My favorite color is _________. Some favorite songs of mine are ______________. I really liked this movie ____________.

You know it seems stupid, but as you go you can start adding things. I like this movie because ___________________. One really great memory with my family is ___________. I'm serious, it seems dumb but all of these little random facts are what make you a person. Not the bipolar. In time you'll start to realize you've always been there. If you can't asnwer a question, skip it and come back later.

Also, Don't go back. Go forward. Things that leave us do so for a reason. I've lost a ton of friends. But that's the past. I know it isn't easy. I suffer panic attacks about my past sometimes, but forward is the direction. Just keep fighting. I keep fighting. It is hard and sometimes I do a terrible job at it, but I've got to do it or my kids will end up just like me.

Hmmmm... I'm feeling very lucid today. LOL >.>

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for your thoughts all.

RyeBear, I appreciate your thoughts and I do know alot of the elements that torture me, but can not put them at ease.  Unfortunately I do (over) analize what I do and what that makes me in society, at work, and at home...and can not move past that.

I certainly understand the depression that LetaB is in...I think we all can.  LetaB, I have to agree with ILADVOCATE friend, don't stay where you are right now.  Find a way back.  I don't say this often, but make sure you reach out to your psychiatrist for a possible med adjustment.  I was recently in the same place (am still a little) and a simple med adjustment was enough to pull me back of the ledge.  It's ok to ask for help....as we do here.

Xila31, I also understand and respect your thoughts.  Problem is, what if you've never been in a place where the illness was not affecting you?  What if the full blown onset of it did kill your dreams and relationships?  What do you go back to if there is nothing to go back to?

Again, as always, appreciate all the thoughts.  If i find a road less traveled, I'll let you know.

[Xila31]

I don't think it is about "finding yourself." I'm still the same person I was. Now there are things that are different that I've taken time to reflect on. For example, I don't think a mysterious group of people is out to get me any more. I don't lie awake at night wondering if aliens are going to abduct me anymore. I don't have "flashbacks" that jerk me awake constantly. These are all positive changes but I'm still the same person.

I'm writer, a mom, a wife. I like games and comedies and reading. I like watching t.v. and looking at the internet. All of my dreams are intact.

Things that are different that are not positive like the repetitive thoughts, the rapid cycling, and the suicidal thoughts, the memory issues, and depression; those are not me. They are an illness affecting me. Like a person who has cancer is not cancer. They just are affected by the illness. That's why I always like to think of it that I have bipolar, but I am not bipolar. I'm still me. I just also have an illness.

I hope that makes sense.

[ILADVOCATE]

I think that you've entered a depressive episode regardless of what's going on in your life or how you feel about it. I don't know whether its a medication not working on depression or a medication causing it as I've experienced both but it would be worth speaking to your psychiatrist about it regardless of any real world circumstances that would bring a person down. When I first entered here (because they couldn't find anything not by choice) I was off a mood stabilizer and I was rapid cycling and I didn't realize until afterwards that's why I was up all night and many other things occuring that were out of control. I am more familiar with rapid cycling but often its common that a person has an episode of depression that lasts for a while following a manic episode or has a medication that works on mania but does little for depression like happenned to me when I was on Depakoate. I've also had a few mood stabilizers that worsened the depressive aspect of bipolar but knowing that could happen with some I asked for them to be changed. You might want to find out more about what might be occuring.

[LetaB]

I dimly remember the kind of mother and friend I used to be....can one have all their mania for decades and then have their depression constantly for the rest of their lives? I feel very sorry for my last two children but the failure I feel about myself, my marriage, my oldest son - and the despair I feel about the mental illnesses in my youngest children crumbles me. I used to be busy, optomistic, useful, thankful....that person has been gone from me for years now. I apologize, this question is not about me. I guess your question is mine also.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Might be really hard for me as my mental illness set in at a very young age so I never had a chance to know myself before it kicked in.  I'm sure it's probably not impossible but it's just going to be really hard probably.

[RyeBear]

I have never been told this, nor truly read about it, but I have lived it. And like you, my mind is very twisted and almost always has been. I don't think there is much that can help change our thought processes. Around others, I find that it is alright to share a little bit of your twisted side, but never share too much unless to very trusted friends that you can count on to not avoid you after expressing yourself.
To find yourself, it is important that you are especially aware of the basic elements that create any conflict within yourself - if you have any. This knowledge will set your mind at ease. With this taken care of, I find that the key to "finding yourself" is to actually lose yourself. What I mean is, don't concentrate on who you are. Don't over analize what you do and what that makes you in society. For one, caring about someone else and helping them and their needs - like the elderly or children (romantic relationships while being unstable is not recommended) - is a good way to keep you from obsessing about who you are. If you don't like this idea for some reason, here is another one:
Forget about the quest to find out who you are and do what you feel like doing. For instance, you wake up one morning and you wonder "What should I wear?". Something nice? Something lazy? Something goth or preppy? Don't think such things. As long as it is sociably acceptable, wear whatever you feel like wearing that day. It doesn't matter if there isn't a pattern. Like I said, glide through your days without overthinking about what you're doing and what that makes you. After a time of this your actions will add up and you will be able to see "who you are". Don't care about who you are, because your identification will find you in due time.

[ILADVOCATE]

I would say for myself it was when I started being interested in society at large and working with other people with disabilites but for each person it is different. One has to develop a sense of self awareness and know what their place is in society and who they are as an individual. For each person what is important to them or their interests can often be maximized to obtain this. Support groups are good as well.