HATE MYSELF

[hell1971]

even if I get stable how am I going to make up for the impact this has had on my kids, my husband and my business partner and very good friends. I cant stand it, I feel like no matter what happens ive done irriversable damage. sure some of it will be ok and people will understand but what about the emotional damage I have caused to my kids, that I cant take back or repair.

[hell1971]

Thank you all so much for your words of support, I know deep down its not my fault but like any mother you asume the responsability regardless bipolar or not and I have to just try harder to not use bipolar to suddenly take responsability and asume blaim for everything that has happened bad in our lives on me, I didnt realize accepting a diagnosis was so complex.
thanks  

[Venora Moonwind]

you are a good mum or you wouldnt be torturing yourself this way
I went thorugh the sam thing when I was diagnosed bi polar. I have 2 daughters and I felt so bad about all the things the manic things I had done in the past.
I ended up writing them letters and going to lots of therapy and I have taken them to therapy with me. Your children will always love you
I wrote reams in my journal as well as I still do when I get my mini manics.
We are here for you .Dont forget to take good care of yourself

I remember when I first discovered my parents were only human and made mistakes. It was enlightening. I tried to explain this to my daughters and I think they understood.
My youngest really understands now thaqt she is parent of 4 small boys.

So dont be too hard onb yourself and beat yourself up too much. Whats done is done and the best we can do is go forward with understanding love and not repeat the past.
Love Venora

[bernie40]

It is like hearing myself speak, reading your words.

It is not your fault, absolutely no way.  I doubt there is anything I can say to put your mind at rest other than the fact that you are a good mum, you have gone to hell and back for your little girl and your other daughter has confirmed what a great mum and role model you have been.

Just think where your little girl would be now if you hadn't fought for her, battled to get her treatment.

It's good that you are going to be seeing a psychologist to talk through these feelings.  We parents always blame ourselves but as you said, none of us is perfect, we all try our best and that is all we can realistically do.

From what your elder daughter told you it sounds to me like you've done a very good job of hiding your real emotions for years (something that a lot of people with BP do) and it was only after years of terrible stress that your "acting"/coping mechanism cracked under the strain.

I'm available via PM whenever you need to talk.  It's hard having BP, it's hard being a parent ergo having both is doubly hard but you will find ways of managing all of this.

Hugs

[hell1971]

Thanks you have been so supportive to me since the begining, the problem is I didnt know I had a problem, as you may remember the reason I first started coming to this site was because I was desparatley trying to find out what was wrong with my 8 year old, she has extreme anxiety and at the time last year was severley depressed and suicidal, I basically broke after a long assesment process with the child mental health department, we were then told she had a weak positive for celiacs and to change her diet, they said at the time it would not account for all the problems she has. I couldnt take it anymore and went and got some antidepressants for the first time in my life, I then went hypomanic and then manic and then have been in a mixed state and obviously been diagnosed bp2. The thing is I always thought I was a really good mum, not perfect but who is but supportive, fun and when I was sad I always thought this has taught them how to show empathy, now all I can think of is, has this what has made my daughter the way she is, have I caused her anxiety through my depressions, I have spoken to my eldest daughter who has said I have never done anything, if anything she thinks her dad is more snappy and moody than I am and that although a bit of a fruit loop and a little crazy she thinks I am a good mum and that I havent made my other daughter like this but when my mood swings down I become consumed with this, my pdoc has put me on a waiting list to see a physcologist to help because they have said she is at high risk of bipolar and may need a mood stabiliser, I keep thinking if I had got help years ago maybe she wouldnt be sufferring like she does, thanks again for your support.

[bernie40]

I understand completely where you are coming from on this.  I have 4 children and have gone through (still go through) extreme guilt over the impact my behaviour has had on them.  I sat and talked to the older ones about it, I didn't make excuses but I explained that I had BP and that at times I have over-reacted.  I told them I was very sorry, I told them how awful I felt about it.  As rliz said, children are in fact very forgiving and as long as you explain things to them then any anxiety they felt about the "incident" should be alleviated.

I don't think you can ever remove the guilt completely but you do have to be able to move on in order to get well.  Talking to them is the start of that.

The fact that you have been taking steps to get well shows your children that you don't want these things to happen again and that you are doing something about it, this should help them feel more secure.

Our kids can surprise us, mine do all the time.  When one of mine says "why aren't you like other mummies", I say "because that would be boring!" - so I try to point out some of the more positive aspects (there's not many I know!).

It all takes time and you are early on in your journey.  It won't all come together at once so don't be hard on yourself.  Your children love you regardless and they know that you love them.

[LeftCoastChick]

Maybe get a therapist for you and your family, so you can sit down and all talk, listening to your children, especially in that setting can be very healing.

[Domingua]

Hi, I got more or lest same situation about emotional damage, sometimes I cant go back or repair something, but in those cases I just try not to go back, just go in front and try my best, even if I cant, maybe you think I dont understand your situation, but think about it, if we always try to fix some pass and still thinking about that bad thing... we will maybe never get well.

[misterhamtastic]

I'm sorry.  I know.  I wonder the same things.  The kids love you, which is most importent.  Everyone else will get over it or not.  Your kids don't care, they know you are sick but that you love them.  Hold on to that.