So I guess there is really nothing I can do.....

[muppetfan]

I have knida asked for advice before regarding my husband. He takes medication and he sees a psychiatrist, but does not go to therapy. I do not talk to him about what he needs to do, and I really am not trying to push him, but he seems to be at a state of just staying the way he is. Which is a good place for us, but not so good for the kids; very emotional rollercoaster and moody with anger and critical about every move my son makes. My son is now starting to "cut" himself, and have a lot of issues. He stays at home with my husband in the afternoons while I work. I have no other choice since We are limited on income. I am afraid that my husband is emotionally abusing my son. He has me, so I can easily see how it may happen. He is a 10 year old, who is difficult to deal with anyway. I have my son in counseling, but my husband really doesn't think that what the therapist says is relevant. I am at a crossroads. I hate to make ultimatums, but my son's emotional well being is foremost important. Any ideas of how to request his help. I feel like I have tried so many ways, but I am at the point where I have to be Mad and make demands. It seems like he only responds to the important issues when I make demands. I hate being that way. I don't want to feel like the bad guy anymore.

[monkeyc]

One of the things this forum is good for is giving strength - you just have to look at my profile for this week to see that so we are here for you ok.

The big thing is that your husband seems to be in denial to some extent and not aware of the effect his behaviour i having - this is why we need therapy as bipolars because often we are not aware - I mean I have put my poor wife through hell the last few weeks and was not even aware of the effect I was having or how much pain I was in.

You have a team of people and you are working hard, now you need to keep strong and support your son and it will get sorted, have faith ok.  And anytime you need someone to lean on we are here and trust me from personal experience there are fantastic people here who will do anything they can for you.

[muppetfan]

I AM SO thankful for your responses. I am really having a difficult time handling what to do and replaying what I will say or what I must do over and over in my head. I really like the get the most info/data first idea. I think I will do that and seriously talk to my son's therapist. Yeah, we have a Psychiatrist, psychologist, and developmental pediatrician on my team of experts helping with my son, so I know I am doing as much as I possibly can do. When I tell my hsband the strategies that the therapist says to do, he just states that my "son just needs to get it. He should know right from wrong, he is acting out on purpose" Which of course behavior has a purpose, and his purpose is most likely the feeling out of control, different, and possible emotional issues when he and my husband are alone. It alwyas becomes a fight. It is like 2 9 year olds arguing. I had to break up a fight this morning about what bowl to use for oatmeal this morning. ??????? Just give him the damn right bowl and be done with it. There doesn't need to be a long drawn out discussion of why....I just feel so helpless. Keep giving me strength. I need it....

[monkeyc]

There are a lot of people who think therapy is mumbo jumbo or does not work, its based on TV and movies and mis conceptions.  

If it was not for my therapists, my psychologists, this week would likely have ended very differently than it did as it as my psychologist who convinced me I needed help - therapy does work and its vital as part of a treatment plan.

You need to get your son some help and I think you need to first of all look for a child psychologist and then maybe a paediatric psychiatrist if needed - the cutting at that age is often a sign of emotional distress and frustration more than a mental illness - he feels helpless and in pain and the cutting is a way to get some control back is my suspicion.

The attitude that therapy does not work is sadly a common one in so many cases and almost always the people who believe it have never met a therapist.

[LeftCoastChick]

I have to agree with exactly what bulldozer said. You have to support your son first, he's cutting himself, and at that age, pretty unheard of unless he's having to internalize so much, like abuse and parrental anger. Daddy is going to have to stop his behaviour, he's got to understand that what he's doing is hurting his child. (my mother was the same way) Like Bulldozer said, get as much info as you can, sit down with a therapist, and pretty much do an intervention. If he isn't willing to address the issues, I would suggest getting child services involved, they may be able to intervene with family and agressive child counselling. Your husband needs serious help, if he isn't willing to, there are few options. I hope he does get the help, get his meds changed a bit probably and addresses his anger issues.

[bernie40]

I'm so sorry to hear about your son.  Does your son understand that his dad is not well?  I realise that at only 10 he will not be able to understand fully, so what I really mean is does he understand that daddy's moodiness is not anyone's fault - especially not his own (your sons).  Children internalise things so easily and will automatically assume they are to blame for parents being angry, upset etc.

Is your son's therapist open with you?  Can he/she discuss with you how much of an impact they think your husband's illness is having on your son.  I'm asking this just in case it is not your husband's behaviour that is behind your son's problems (although it will no doubt have some impact).

I would gather as much information as you can before trying to discuss the issue again with your husband.  If you can go to him with concrete proof that it is his behaviour that is causing your son to be so unhappy then he will have to take notice.