For the first time im scared of myself

[hell1971]

For the first time ever that I can remember I am soo scared of myself and what I may do. I dont know what is going on. I dont know what to do. Although in general I am coping with my current episode and getting through each day I had a split second of madness on my way home and it scared me, I cant bring myself to say what but it was not good and its haunting me today, am I loosing it, I feel depressed then I feel fine and then I feel somewhere in between its then that im scared of if that makes sense.  

[moonpanda]

I've been there too. I hate being afraid of myself and my own mind, but it does happen. This past summer, I was in a similar place, very terrified and starting to feel like I was actually losing my grip on reality. At least I certainly had lost my grip on my own life. I was avoiding my psychiatrist at the time because in my increasingly paranoid state, I thought she hated me. In retrospect, I wish I  could have recognized that she could have helped me through the mixed episode. Instead, I tried to deal with it myself and hide it from my friends and family. This didn't go too well, and my paranoia increased, and eventually it all led to a suicide attempt. Everything just spiraled out of control, and because I wouldn't talk to anyone about it, I had no idea how to fix it. I just wanted to escape my own mind, the constant intrusive thoughts, as well as the constant feeling of being watched and hated and talked about.

I also used to do the same thing that you're doing with sleeping pills, taking them to just knock me out so I could stop thinking and feeling. I couldn't do that on my own, my head was buzzing and running so fast, but with such terrible thoughts. Unfortunately, the stopped working, and they instead started to exacerbate the bad things I was feeling.

It's important to at least confide a little in your husband or even a close friend, and certainly in your doctor when you are able to see him. I know it feels like they won't understand, and it's possible that they won't right away. But you really need a few other people right now to look out for you, and to notice signs of things getting worse when you can't see them yourself. I wish I had done that, because if I had asked for help, it's likely that my episode would not have lasted so long and it would probably not have escalated to such a terrifying level. You're not alone!

[run4you]

I just got over this (well, not totally over, but improving).

I got to a breaking point, and I was terrified. I considered going to the hospital, and probably should have looking back.. but wasn't exactly rational and had no clue what the hell was going on. I had these horrible thoughts, and I felt like an awful human being (look up intrusive thoughts if that sounds familiar).

I managed to wait a week for my appointment. My doctor diagnosed it as a mixed episode (dysphoric mania) and it brought on OCD (severe) and panic attacks/major anxiety. It was a living hell. Before that, I had hypomania as my ups, and they were actually beneficial and I felt great... this was the first AWFUL up I'd ever had.

I was on Lamictal only, and she added Abilify to the mix. I can feel a huge improvement, and my husband has noticed as well.

This board was what helped me - I was a mess.

I'm so sorry, I completely understand how you feel. I've only been on the new meds 3 days.

Hang in there... ((((((hugs)))))

[zzzmykids]

Dear Friend, hell,
I am with you and scared. Never been on this ground before. Don't want to stay.
Some how we have the find the positive, let go of the excruciating and find our way back to normalcy. We both have had lots going on, mentally. It has become a habit for me not to smile, laugh or find joy in anything. My psych says I have to find the positive again and focus on the beauty of this life. I am a Christian, not all Christians believe this, but I do, if suicide takes the persons life, eternity is a billion times more excrutiating and for eternity...so I will lose the momentary thought, remember who loves us, Christ and find the love of those we have that are safe....again. Good luck Hell and here is a  ((((((((hug))))))) zzzz

[Xila31]

Yeah, I know what you mean. :(

I feel like I'm going crazy all the time recently. I know that the scary things are not really me inside my head. They are the bipolar causing my brain to malfunction and come up with scary thoughts. I hate that. It isn't just mood, and that's the key right there. You hit the nail on the head. There's too much inside that just isn't working right and it comes out as a mood. If our brains had projectors on them, I bet some people would run screaming when they saw what goes through our heads sometimes. It's the same with me. I have these outbursts of craziness, then they are gone and I am scared and I feel horrible. :(

That's bipolar in a bad place, I'm there, too I think and not much I can do about it. But, I think this is the important thing: I know those scary things are scary. They still scare me. So, I can still fight with them right now and I'm not planning on giving up. I think the worst place to be is when you stop understanding the scary things are scary and start acting on them.

Anyway, I am trying to build up the courage to actually talk about what is going on in my head sometimes. I'm scared of it, too. I think that's normal. We don't want the people who love us to think we're crazy or be scared of us. Keep on fighting, okay? The 17th is only a little over a week away.

[hell1971]

My doc is away until the 17th, I have an appointment then 1st thing, but im not sure I can tell him either what is going on, I have no one I can tell. I just have to hold on until then. I cant tell my husband it would crush him and he really doesnt understand, he thinks its as simple as up and down moods, he has no idea what is happening inside my mind, I have been given sleeping pills from my doc so I have just been putting myself to bed really early just so my brain can stop and the day can end. Im trying to put my fake smile on as if nothing is happening to me but its becoming harder and harder, I feel like something is brewing and then it fizzies out and then it starts again, I feel like im going a little more crazy each time it happens, then I feel completeley normal and wounder what was that.

[Xila31]

Well, I would say perhaps you are mixed or perhaps just a really bad episode. I have had a lot of scary moments, too. :( You're not alone. My days cycle really fast like you were describing. I jump up and down through my moods like a yo-yo until I feel like my brain is going to melt.

I would say to make sure that you have your emergency contacts ready. I keep a file in my e-mail called Important and it has everything in it like suicide hotline numbers, what your support person should do if you're suddenly suicidal or having a major episode and not in a reachable state of mind, etc. For now, though, contact your doctor and let them know you're having trouble and alert your support person.

And always remember you're not alone even if you feel completely alone. You're really not. Please keep us updated. Hang in there and I hope you feel better.