Aa
Needing to Vent...
Got into a fight with my husband this morning. I understand how difficult all of this has been on him. A year ago, he was hurt and laid up for six months, while I worked full time, took care of the kids, cleaned the house, did the food shopping, the laundry, cooking and made sure all the bills were paid. It was extremely difficult for me to be responsible for everything. I remember being so mad at him, even though I know it wasn't his fault. Well, now the roles are reversed. I have always been the one to take care of all the household stuff and still worked a full time job. With this illness, i have barely enough energy to get off the couch. I know he is frustrated, but coming home and making me feel worse because the laundry is piled up, the dishes aren't done, and the floors havent been swept, doesn't help either of us. I don't know what else to do. I try to straighten up and do a few things, but I get so winded that I feel worse. I tried to go shopping yesterday with my mother, and nearly passed out in the store. I don't know what to say to make him understand that I just CAN'T do it. I try to remind him that I took care of him for six months, and he just gets pissed that I am "throwing it in his face." I have only been laid up for six weeks. I am so worried that if I have to deal with this the rest of my life, he wont be able to handle it, Does any one have any suggestions?
I tried contracting the TCI today with no luck getting thru. Wondering how things are there since the storm.
I would just say what you said here: you can't make a plan. This is your family-- they may not understand, but I'm sure they want what's best for you!
I would send your DH over with "something", allow him the time to celebrate with them (and/or with his children), and they will probably send home a dish for you. He can tell you the latest, as you nibble in bed. That's not a bad holiday; it's just a *different* one.
(I had a Christmas eve baby, so I know about different holidays. And, I doubt I'll be seeing either kid Again this Christmas--can't make a plan).
Or best case scenario, you might feel up for a little food & company, even if it's for a very short time. I would not go beyond what you feel comfortable with; it won't be worth it. frequently what makes us happy also makes us feel worse.
A good book to read is "How to be Sick".
I would send your DH over with "something", allow him the time to celebrate with them (and/or with his children), and they will probably send home a dish for you. He can tell you the latest, as you nibble in bed. That's not a bad holiday; it's just a *different* one.
(I had a Christmas eve baby, so I know about different holidays. And, I doubt I'll be seeing either kid Again this Christmas--can't make a plan).
Or best case scenario, you might feel up for a little food & company, even if it's for a very short time. I would not go beyond what you feel comfortable with; it won't be worth it. frequently what makes us happy also makes us feel worse.
A good book to read is "How to be Sick".
I'm doing the exact thing that Selma mentioned lol. I'm sorry you are going through this. When I felt like my fiance wasn't totally understanding everything (in the very beginning he thought it was all made up and that it couldn't possibly be like that), I actually showed him this forum. It made a HUGE difference. Now he is able to laugh about things, and really even keeps an eye out for when I'm trying to do too much. Maybe if you showed your husband too, it would help. I hope you feel better.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Make plans for Thanksgiving....go to ur mom's and only make a desert so u do not have the stress of making a large meal...see if u can chip in for the cost so u can have some leftovers and enjoy when u go back home....this will help reduce the stress u feel...so even if u do not feel the best u can go and do not have to do much....
Take a deep breath...and remember to exhale : )
Thank u all for ur kind words and encouragement. I feel better after reading ur posts. Its just a scary thought that i am only 28 and i could spend the rest of my life like this. How do u all deal with it? Im learning to take one day at a time. My mom keeps asking me about thanksgiving and i want to scream. I don't know how Im going to feel tonight let alone a week from now. Im also learning thatstress and crying make it worse. Im keeping my fingers crossed that i get into TCI in NY. Sending over all the medical records today. Thanks again for all the support
I feel all this also sweetie. You are top priority right now. No one really understands what we go thru or why we can't do things we used to. Its hard but we are strong. You focus on you getting healthy. I wish I could be there. I could do some and u could do some and we would have each other to understand. Hugs my dear, Dana
I read your post and it brings tears to my eyes, knowing your pain all too well. My little guy always asking, "mommy why can't you do it?" but I usually hear from him daily with such compassion "I hope you feel better". He can be so sweet. Fortunately my 16 year old is a champ, if I ask for help he will usually do anything but I try not to ask for too much. I have always been in charge of everything in this house and I've had to let go, just picking up where I can. The hubby tells me it will all be ok and he will help, been laid up for months and he hasn't pitched in barely at all...causing many arguments. It's hard trying to deal with the medical aspect of things, plus running my cleaning business from home, doesn't leave much of me to do stuff at home and I stress it daily. Somedays wondering what this will do to my marriage, wishing he knew how I was really feeling.
Thinking of you and hoping the road gets better for all of us!
Thinking of you and hoping the road gets better for all of us!
That is wonderful that the children helped!
I have been caretaking for only 6 weeks, and I have hated every minute of it. I can imagine now how the caretakers can feel about us (even if they don't say anything).
I have been sick exactly half of my children's lives, and I cannot say that it has made them more compassionate. Or rather, I think it just made them weary of it. People can feel anger when their loved one is sick.
Plus, I gave up on trying to provide holidays for them anymore. Yet another Chiari loss. :(
I hope you have better days ahead!
I have been caretaking for only 6 weeks, and I have hated every minute of it. I can imagine now how the caretakers can feel about us (even if they don't say anything).
I have been sick exactly half of my children's lives, and I cannot say that it has made them more compassionate. Or rather, I think it just made them weary of it. People can feel anger when their loved one is sick.
Plus, I gave up on trying to provide holidays for them anymore. Yet another Chiari loss. :(
I hope you have better days ahead!
COMMUNITY LEADER
U posted while I was writing....so I did not see the ages....that was so sweet of the kids to help out like that.....
Ur little one will understand....I had a lot of issues when mine was small but I did not get my dx until she was in college....so her whole life was mom not feeling well....they learn compassion from it...I know my DD did : )
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi....I know it can be difficult and sometimes the opposite can be just as frustrating.....my DH does everything and does not ask me about what I may need or want...it is all his decisions and I feel he over compensates....
So we will always find fault with the way things are being done....but, the thing is we have to learn to communicate with our spouse as to what we can do and how they can help with out adding pressure on them and not adding guilt to us as well....bringing up the past is never a good idea...always look forward...and say, I hope this is not going to be for a long period of time, on days I can I will do what I can, and on days I can not, things will have to slide....find out or agree to what are priorities....what must be done... a messy home is a lived in home...and is not filth...so, u do not have to be spic and span every day....
Viv asked a great question as to what can the kids do to help...not knowing their ages...I can not suggest things for them...but there are things that all ages can begin to help....
We have to put on blinders to what we "normally" would not want to see...and allow it to be...
I would rather feel good, so I can enjoy my family then the house look great....
One step at a time...and a way to get ur DH to understand, have him join here...there are spouses here too...and he can see it is not just u, but we all feel like this.
((hugs))
Viva,
My husband has two children from a previous relationship that are 10 & 12. They are only with us on the weekends, and have been a great help. I feel so bad for them because although I worked, we used to do a lot on the weekends, parties, get together, and now I am just laying in bed and they are bored. Last weekend when I was resting without even being asked they straightened up the whole house because they know I couldn't do it. Our daughter is 4. She is in preschool 3 days a week and my mother takes her on Saturdays to help us out. Still it is a struggle to take care of her. All she knows is "mommy doesn't feel good." I feel like she is the one suffering the most because she doesn't understand why I cannot play with her like I used to, or that it is hard for me to climb the stairs up to her bedroom to put a movie on for her.
I have noticed that I feel the worst at night. Usually 7:00 and on. Some days I feel horrible all day. I do try to so stuff while I am feeling better, but I feel as though it's never enough. My husband is a good man, but I feel as though through all this, it's been all about him and how difficult it is for him. How he hasn't slept because he's worried about me. How difficult it is for him that our whole life is on hold. I know this isn't easy for him, it ***** for our whole family, but I am the one in pain. I am the one who lost my whole life all of a sudden. I don't know what else to do. I can't will myself to get better, I definitely would if I could.
My husband has two children from a previous relationship that are 10 & 12. They are only with us on the weekends, and have been a great help. I feel so bad for them because although I worked, we used to do a lot on the weekends, parties, get together, and now I am just laying in bed and they are bored. Last weekend when I was resting without even being asked they straightened up the whole house because they know I couldn't do it. Our daughter is 4. She is in preschool 3 days a week and my mother takes her on Saturdays to help us out. Still it is a struggle to take care of her. All she knows is "mommy doesn't feel good." I feel like she is the one suffering the most because she doesn't understand why I cannot play with her like I used to, or that it is hard for me to climb the stairs up to her bedroom to put a movie on for her.
I have noticed that I feel the worst at night. Usually 7:00 and on. Some days I feel horrible all day. I do try to so stuff while I am feeling better, but I feel as though it's never enough. My husband is a good man, but I feel as though through all this, it's been all about him and how difficult it is for him. How he hasn't slept because he's worried about me. How difficult it is for him that our whole life is on hold. I know this isn't easy for him, it ***** for our whole family, but I am the one in pain. I am the one who lost my whole life all of a sudden. I don't know what else to do. I can't will myself to get better, I definitely would if I could.
I hear ya.
My DH has a broken leg, which has been a nightmare for me post op. He is a good person, never complains, but I am fiercely angry at him for making my life even harder.
Today I asked him (friendly) how he liked being disabled. He said he didn't like it one bit!
Can you think of ways to make your life easier? I spend a lot of my time in that mode: I used to feel better later in the day, so did nothing until late afternoon. Clothes stay in the laundry baskets. We've been buying a lot of processed food. I would order take out, but we live in the country & only the Chinese restaurant will deliver. I just remembered I have paper plates--what better time to use them?! We got help w/cleaning, but they vacuumed up my ear buds & powercord (grrr, can you believe it?).
Surely he can carry laundry baskets & buy groceries? How old are the kids?
Hopefully, if you stay calm & shrug off the guilt, you can work out some kind of plan. I realized that I can tolerate a lot of chaos, even if I don't like it.
Hope things improve!
My DH has a broken leg, which has been a nightmare for me post op. He is a good person, never complains, but I am fiercely angry at him for making my life even harder.
Today I asked him (friendly) how he liked being disabled. He said he didn't like it one bit!
Can you think of ways to make your life easier? I spend a lot of my time in that mode: I used to feel better later in the day, so did nothing until late afternoon. Clothes stay in the laundry baskets. We've been buying a lot of processed food. I would order take out, but we live in the country & only the Chinese restaurant will deliver. I just remembered I have paper plates--what better time to use them?! We got help w/cleaning, but they vacuumed up my ear buds & powercord (grrr, can you believe it?).
Surely he can carry laundry baskets & buy groceries? How old are the kids?
Hopefully, if you stay calm & shrug off the guilt, you can work out some kind of plan. I realized that I can tolerate a lot of chaos, even if I don't like it.
Hope things improve!
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