nothing to do with chiari, need to vent to true friends

[Sexybare]

I was on my fiance(maybe no longer fiance) phone because i didnt have mine near to go on medhelp here and i come across his bookmarks and to my disgust it was porn. Now im old fashion. I believe the only nude people you shall be lookin at when in a relationship is each other. It goes against all my values  i left him  note about it in his wallet for when he gets up to go to work. If he needs to look at other nude woman then that makes me feel im not enough. Am i wrong for this? Its totally off topic but i dont have anyone to talk to. He dont want me doin it, but he can? Oh no no. He dont even like me talkin to other men nor them lookin at me. So i would never disrespect him the way i feel right now.im so angry and hurt. I believe i want him out. I found one video months ago so he knows exactly how i feel about this. Fiances and husbands dont do this?!

[SG2]

He may be hiding it because he's ashamed.  If someone hates porn as much as it sounds like you do, it can come across as there's something wrong with him for enjoying it.  That can cause embarrassment and shame.  I agree it's probably a stress relief for him.  Sex in general is a sex relief for me.

I also agree trust in the relationship is necessary.  

This one is gonna be a tough compromise for you both.  

First thing you gotta do if you haven't already, is find out why he's watching it.  I stand by what I said earlier though and would bet my savings that he's not watching because you aren't enough and that it's stress relief and yes, entertainment.  Much the same as a guy would watch a football game. It's fun, it's exciting, it's a release..

If you really can't allow it or be ok with it and he can't understand why you feel the way you feel and/or stop watching then that's another issue that would probably require professional counseling if you mean as much to each other as I think you do.  Communication is KEY.  The ability to communicate w/out making the other feel ashamed is even more important.. I wish you both the very best of luck.  

[ChiariWolf]

Jesus did forgive and teach forgiveness, that is a truth that cannot be denied.

Any 'real' relationship is based on Honesty which thereby leads to Trust. If either of those is broken trouble follows not Love.

Sexybare- I'll PM you on this.

[Rylanesmom]

I totally agree about forgiveness ... Jesus forgave those that were  killing him.  I also believe that this is the time to be having those talks.  You are not yet married.  Jesus said live your wife like she is the church.  Is he ready for that.  I know you have posted relationship doubts before.  I am in no way judging your relationship and in no way are saying how you should feel or what you should do.  I have been married almost 18 years and if this relationship was not Christ centered with daily forgiveness we would not be together.  None of us are perfect or we would not need saved by grace.  Even Jesus friends let him down my chiarian friend so ours will as well.  Prayers and hugs.

[selmaS]

  Sexyb....look u r getting advice from members outside the chiari forum and I really think u need to look at this as ur fiance's release of stress of dealing with ur condition....too many couples fail to get thru this, I have seen quite a few get a divorce bcuz they could not handle the stress of the condition of their spouse...and for one to lie about porn and hang in there and not flee...well....which would I rather have?

I have to look at it this way- men feel the need to fix things and when they can't they get stressed...and run....

They can find a way to deal with the stress they may not be proud about either, and may be denying to themselves...it is just the same as the fact they can not fix what is wrong with u.....


I am also a Catholic....and have certain beliefs as well...but, there is also forgive and forget....he is there with u......

and until u r doing better and he can relax u have no idea what he will  or will not do for u....with all this going on, the question is do u love him, and does he love u, and is he good to u....if so, wait and see b4 u drive away someone that u need and needs u....or else he would not be there.

JMHO

[Omacastrop]

I'm just going to throw my 2 cents in here. Not only is he doing something u don't approve of BUT.....  He is LYING to u on top of it! Making a bad situation worse. If he will lie to u over this what else us he hiding, or not telling u?

[Sexybare]

Thank you. I am catholic and a stand firm on my beliefs. Its wrong acts like this that make me seriously think about our engagement. And even tho i saw it with my own eyes, he denied it thru and thru. I got alot of thinking to do now. If he cant respect me, my values then maybe hes not worthy of me. Thank you again. I want him to see me and only me and vice versa. Now i wonder is it me he sees or someone else? Apparently im not enough. Oh life doea go on tho :)

[Rylanesmom]

I so agree .... He knew up front.  I also feel that the marital bed is sacred and that when he visualizes acts with others I feel that is bringing them into your relationship.  I have conservative Christian views and am not looking to debate anyone so I will leve it there.  I too would be hurt.

Philippians 4:8
New International Version (NIV)
 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

[linnielou232]

This is a issue for some.  As for me.  I don't get porn either and I would feel the same as you if I found my husband hiding it behind my back.  If it is open and you both agree I wouldn't see a problem  in it but  It's the hiding and the lying I am understanding your upset with.  That is an issue for the future.  If he denies it when it's right in front of him that could cause a problem in the future.  Wish you the best.  Just keep an open mind and discuss this with him.  As SG2 said.  Some people enjoy this with the company  of their partner .  Than there are those of us who don't, but it should be an open communication between the two of you.  Wish you the best.  I'm glad you could come here and talk about this.  It is nice to have someone who understands.
Linda :)
Linda :)

[Sexybare]

Your so funny. Its just he knowa how i feel about it already. Then he hides it and clearly denies it when i found it. Thats the issue. I stand firm. I dont believe in it myself and if he truly wants to marry me he would respect it, no matter what. Now excuse me im gonna go download some porn lol. Just playin, im not.

[irislita]

P.s. i find totally naked people are not really attractive neither the sexual organs...

[irislita]

I totally understand u.i am not a closed or shy person,but porno is something i just dont get...but thats my opinion...i know that almost all the guys are watching stuff like that...so i just dont care about it anymore...even if i would find sth.it has nothing to do that u r not enough...its just the animal instinct in them.if u would ask a guy to date a porn star they would do it for one night...but who wants a girl like this as a girlfriend???  Believe me u should not care...i know its hard...but men and women are sooo different and i dont even try to understand those things anymore...reading this post made me smile and think u r soo cute

[SG2]

I guess I should've asked some questions first. Is the porn just naked women or is it sex?  If it's just still shots of nude women I think I'd be a little self conscious too.  But if it's the act of sex itself, I don't mind one bit.  

After you originally told him how you feel awhile ago, what was his response to the issue?

[SG2]

Hmm.  I'm a 35 yr old female, married 12 yrs and together with my husband for 14 yrs.  I like porn.  I let him watch.  I watch.  We watch together, alone, whatever.  

Speaking from my own point of view, watching it doesn't make me want him less.  Actually it's the opposite and when we watch it together, well... it turns out to be a lot of fun.  

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt or like you're not enough for him but I can assure you with 100% of my being that men do not watch porn because the woman they are with is not enough for them.  Love and sex are not one in the same.  They're just not.  Not every man watches porn but I'd bet 99.9% do.  They are wired differently than females, that's a biological fact.