Who's thought about suicide?

[SG2]

I don't mean to ask to freak a whole bunch of people out and have you all react with 'Oh no, you don't want to do that!!!!"

I want a gut response, fully honest answer.  I don't know how to get out of this funk.  Usually thinking about my son will snap me right out of it, but not even that will do it lately.  He deserves a mom with energy, a mom who can do stuff with him.

I used to be his baseball coach.  I still am, on days I can be. But more days than not, I'm nothing but a **** poor sorry excuse for a human being.  I'm lazy.  I hurt, I have no energy to even want to shower.  And when I do shower, the spray hurts my body.  I get dizzy in the shower and throw up.  

What kid deserves me?  

I don't know what to do anymore.  

[Viva001]

I guess im not surprised to see this topic come up again.  I think a lot of it is the physical condition.  I never cared much for the physical pleasures that other people enjoyed, like food or sex.  I used to be very skinny until I had a laminectomy and had an appetite for the first time inmy life!

Then there's the whole coping with Chiari burden, within the whole coping with chronic illness burden.  I have a therapist with a chronic illness, and even she doesn't understand Chiari; she thinks I should volunteer (oh, sure!).

Anyway, a heavy load, this illness.

[meguy27]

Hate to say it but u gotta actively do stuff to get out of it  I understand I been there dozens of times with the gun in hand I am now a Med  marijuana patient to deal with pain and meds for depression I even.got a.memorial tat for a family.member that succeeded

[linnielou232]

1st I want to thank you for coming to this forum with your worry of ending things.  I think you have saved others because of this thread, so this should show you already there is other purporses of your existance.  I have had this feeling also.  Mine was due to a med change which didn't make sense to me at the time, but I do know the feeling now and I never, ever thought of ending anthing.  I am a soul that feels we all have a purpose in the world.  I am a true believer which I know we all have different faiths, but it helped me get through.  I also was very open with my family, and Dr  about this feeling because I was never so scared and so confused in my life.  I couldn't comprend how someone could have these feeling.  This happened to me about 6 months ago and I was so scared of my thoughts I came out and talked to my DH about this.  The same night I had a dream of different sisuations and I was in them.  Guiding, laughing, helping.  So I knew and I still know we all have a reason to be here.  I also know the night I felt this way.  I opened up to all of you and without any of you realizing it with your responses brought be back to reality and the next day and the day after was such a better day.  We all look out the window each morning and we can see darkness or we can look future and see the light of our own hearts.  I have a loving and understanding family and at my time of this thought I never thought of what I would leave behind.  After being able to go to bed, get some rest and have those dreams of a better tomorrow.  With my faith and my dreams I helped them come true.  Always remember all of you on here.  We are here together to lift each other up.   Dream a bigger Dream, and always inmagine having a brighter day for yourself tomorrow.  We all have a purpose to stay here and eduacate others.  Not just having Chairi, but what it does to us physically, mentally,  It does help others.   I thank you SG2 for this thread and all to those who responsed.  It brings back the memories of the strenght that we get from each other.  What makes us weak will help us to be stronger people.  Sweet dreams my Chairian Friend.
Linda :)

[ChiariWolf]

It is one thing to be 'real' another to be special in everyones eyes. Too many times those that are all that, or think they are are the ones that attack.

Frankly, I personally feel CM and the effects thereof force us to be 'real'. Reality can be harsh but it's better than living in a fantasy land.

Thus, I appreciate you starting this thread. It's a subject that can be difficult to talk about because of fear of rejection or judgement. But you know what? It's healthy, for all you know the mental fortitude that it took for you to compose and start this thread could have saved a life.

So you just remember, you are worth something obviously. :-)

Thank You,
CW

[SG2]

I've also watched this since it's inception, and I guess I would since I started it..haha.  

And someone else said it perfectly earlier, I think it was bledpup.  When I am in the mindframe of thinking of suicide, it's quite obvious I'm not in the RIGHT mind frame.  Therefore, all logical thinking of who I'd be hurting worse by doing it, goes out the door.  In my mind, at the time, I'd be doing them a favor.  I feel like a failure.  Many days I can't even make dinner, shower w/out needing to rest on the edge of the toilet when I'm done, get my son ready for school, etc... you know how it goes.  And when I"m in so much pain that I can't focus...my mind doesn't go anywhere but "damn, I'm worthless to those around me and to myself.  They'd be better off w/out me."  

What's interesting though, is I chicken out.  My mind stops at the thought and I'm not quite sure I could follow through with the action.  Some times I do feel like I could get pretty close.  Especially this past week, especially today.  But I will do my best to just keep my head up (har har) and keep going.  I would miss my boy's face too much... In that way I'm selfish.  I hang on because I can't bear to let go.  I just want this all to stop.  Somehow.  

I really appreciate that this thread has not turned into an attack thread or a judgement thread and that people could share their thoughts and differing opinions w/out inflection of ridicule.  Thank you for that.  

Sue

[ChiariWolf]

I'll admit I've been watching this thread since it's inception.

Sorry, to not have answered sooner. It's just a subject that I try to avoid for what I'll call self preservation if you know what I mean. Yes, I've had those thoughts off and on seriously since I was around 13 or before. AT age 13 some things happened that made me fully understand how little I meant to my father. We won't get into that. But it felt as though my life was over so I drank a full container of Liquid Plastic Putty Thinner. Hugged my mother good night, which was taken aback by as dad didn't allow us to hug mom. But I still remember waking up the next morning... laying there... at first I was furious as I never expected to wake up again. Then I got very depressed that I'd allowed myself to let my emotions be so controlled by another. Frankly, that is when I first began to take the Bible to heart.

That doesn't mean it's over. No, on really bad days yes my mind does go there more often that I'd like to admit even to myself. A doctor told me one time several years back that everyone dealing Chronic Pain for a length of time 'will' at one time or another deal with those thoughts. She said the key is to remember that when it's time to get help, do it, don't put it off. She also told me that mental focus is often the key and even the person you talk with can only help you to change that focus sometimes that is all that's needed. Other times she said meds may be the answer but cautioned that with Chronic Pain the meds can make it worse as the pain depletes the same chemicals from our brain as what is missing from the brains of those which clinical depression. Meaning when the chronic pain levels are high the meds will help but when the pain levels come down the meds can make the thoughts and depression worse than they were to begin with.

So I guess it's kind of like pain meds with a chiarian. Due to the way CM effects our CNS we can develop a tolorance for very high levels of narcotics that will eventually cause death if not monitored. The levels of brain stimulants accumulate so they can be a mixed blessing or curse depending on the day.

Long winded again sorry....

CW