10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[Amanda1306]

Yes I myself could have also written this word for word. My son has just turned 9.  I am trying to be very patient. He is amazing one on one. He has 2 younger brothers 7 and 5 and both very different. I guess you could say they are a lot more settled in themselves......however, they are younger. Any suggestions would be truly grateful!

[Sharshq]

How is your son today? Dealing with the same things as you were and wondering how it all worked out...

[Sharshq]

Hiw is your son today? I am dealing with these behaviors currently and wanted to see if you had any success with your son??

[luke100]

Hi, I'm looking for help and at my wits ends with my 10 year old boys and struggling what to do to be honest  he has dyslexia he's behaviour most of time well I just don't know were to start he will throw a tanterm at the slightest thing he's words he uses are what the hell ,not my fault ,oh my days,in a partical outburst if I ask him to do anything round the house its a  major strop and a battle example I brought him something but because of the attuidude I was getting didn't give it to him so his reaction was to struggle with me and try rip the bag out of my hand so I said until you can show me some respect then your not having it. he is so hurtful and its really affecting me in partical plus making the whole family upset I am dredding on egg shells with him most days and shouldn't be like this I do have another boy and he is total opposite and he has said how his brother upset him ,I've been to the school and made them aware what he is like at home he has had some issues at school but nothing I have at home I do feel like its aimed at me and not his dad when I try and talk to him its like his not there and dosent care pls help what should I do what help can I get complete upset about this and don't know who I should turn to thanks for reading

[Sandman2]

     I agree with you.   The problem is that many times the parents try to address a child with things like ADHD, SPD, etc the way they were brought up - which is to make the situation, worse.  Not really the parents fault, because they don't have the correct information.
    One thing I normally tell parents is that if the child is also having a problem in school (with an experienced teacher), and at home - the child's problems were not initially created due to parenting style.
     Why don't you start a post of your own and describe the problem.  Some of us have seen a lot of different situations.

[mariemissy]

As a special education teacher, I can tell you that the behaviors these parents are describing are not created by being over protective.  If it were overindulging a child, then normal set of consequences and behavioral supports would make a difference.  The behaviors these parents are describing are not caused by a parenting style.  I am only on this site, because I now have my 2nd student (of my teaching career) that fit the descriptions of these parents. I too am looking for something that will change his behavior.  I am an experienced teacher and I understand what these parents are talking about.