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11yr crys all the time/ has outburst and very needy
Hello, I just became the step-mother of an 11 yr old boy who cries over everything. I talk to my son he cries, I helped my son today with his homework and step-son cries, he cries 3- times a day and its real crying with tears. He is ADHD and needs attention alot!! He gives me 4-5 hugs just at bedtime alone. He requires attention so much at my kids actually give up when they want something because he is butting in or already hugging me or hanging on me. He has outburst at school with other kids when they say they wont play with him, he threatens them and becomes very angry, then turns it around and says hes being bully. My husband has all but given up, saying he can go live with his mom, I cant take it anymore. I know that wont help, but we are both at our wits end.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Just read specialmoms post and I agree completely. There are definitely two kinds of things that have to be done. "And the more loved and accepted he feels by you all, the better life will seem to him and the better his behavior will be in the long run." Is very true.
Oh yes, I also feel bad for this young boy. My heart felt suggestion is that you educate yourself in add/adhd. I would go online and read all you can and check out books at the library. Sandman, the community leader of this forum AND the add/adhd forum recommends the book by Susan Ashley called "the adhd answer book". I would recommend you read this.
Bottom line, this boy is wired differently. Expecting him to be like every other child is unrealistic. What you can do though is help him adjust to the world. Help him with his social skills lovingly. But understanding that add/adhd kids take longer to train in this area as well as they have poor impulse control due to their nervous system is really important.
In reality, kids like your step son live in a cruel world. They are often odd man out and feel different than everyone else when they long to be one of the guys. They shed a lot of secret tears beyond the ones you are seeing. So, those in his family should be the place that he feels great love. What a blessing it would be to this boy to have a new person in his life (you) that showed him great kindness and love. And wow, to have siblings to look out for him and care for him is a blessing too (your kids). Help your kids understand that he NEEDS them to be his friend/family. And he needs you to be that as well. Because the REST of the world feels like he is a pain in the butt and might now want to deal with him. That's very very sad.
And the more loved and accepted he feels by you all, the better life will seem to him and the better his behavior will be in the long run.
I also agree that life changes such as a new home to live in complete with new step mom and her kids is hard on any child and will show in ways you may not expect.
Understand add/adhd and you may find ways to deal with him that are more affective. good luck
Bottom line, this boy is wired differently. Expecting him to be like every other child is unrealistic. What you can do though is help him adjust to the world. Help him with his social skills lovingly. But understanding that add/adhd kids take longer to train in this area as well as they have poor impulse control due to their nervous system is really important.
In reality, kids like your step son live in a cruel world. They are often odd man out and feel different than everyone else when they long to be one of the guys. They shed a lot of secret tears beyond the ones you are seeing. So, those in his family should be the place that he feels great love. What a blessing it would be to this boy to have a new person in his life (you) that showed him great kindness and love. And wow, to have siblings to look out for him and care for him is a blessing too (your kids). Help your kids understand that he NEEDS them to be his friend/family. And he needs you to be that as well. Because the REST of the world feels like he is a pain in the butt and might now want to deal with him. That's very very sad.
And the more loved and accepted he feels by you all, the better life will seem to him and the better his behavior will be in the long run.
I also agree that life changes such as a new home to live in complete with new step mom and her kids is hard on any child and will show in ways you may not expect.
Understand add/adhd and you may find ways to deal with him that are more affective. good luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree with Adgal in that the little guy has a lot going against him. And the ADHD also means that at school he probably is being constantly corrected, etc.
The problem is that he has learned to use the crying and other attention getting things to his advantage. He needs to learn that crying will not get him attention and that there are other ways to do so.
In the book, "Raising Lions" by Joe Newman he describes several situations just like this.
Basically, he would say that when the child starts to cry that he is told that is not the way to get attention. Thus he will get a short time out and the time out does not start until the stops crying. This should be told to him in a calm manner. He will go nuts. Just repeat it as you lead him to his room and tell him again and again that as soon as his crying stops the time out starts. Make the time out short - one or two minutes max. When he comes out of the time out ask him what he was trying to tell you.
His school needs to deal with his outbursts in the same way. There needs to be an action for his action. That action has to be very constant and immediate. If the action does not happen, he will never stop.
I think you might want to pick up Joe's book as he has several things in it that will really help you to deal with him.
And by the way, going to a therapist is a good idea. As long as the therapist also trains YOU how to work with your child. If all the therapist does is talk to the child - it will not be successful.
Furthermore, he should have a 504 at school so the academic part will go easier for him. In "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley is a full section on ideas for what could be in a 504 plan to help kids at school. So this is another book that you will find helpful. You will find that her ideas on discipline are in line with Joe's - he just explains his in greater detail since that basically what most of his book is about. While Susan covers a whole range of AD/HD related things.
By the way, I am also the CL on the ADHD site - so feel free to post over there if you have any other related questions. Best wishes.
The problem is that he has learned to use the crying and other attention getting things to his advantage. He needs to learn that crying will not get him attention and that there are other ways to do so.
In the book, "Raising Lions" by Joe Newman he describes several situations just like this.
Basically, he would say that when the child starts to cry that he is told that is not the way to get attention. Thus he will get a short time out and the time out does not start until the stops crying. This should be told to him in a calm manner. He will go nuts. Just repeat it as you lead him to his room and tell him again and again that as soon as his crying stops the time out starts. Make the time out short - one or two minutes max. When he comes out of the time out ask him what he was trying to tell you.
His school needs to deal with his outbursts in the same way. There needs to be an action for his action. That action has to be very constant and immediate. If the action does not happen, he will never stop.
I think you might want to pick up Joe's book as he has several things in it that will really help you to deal with him.
And by the way, going to a therapist is a good idea. As long as the therapist also trains YOU how to work with your child. If all the therapist does is talk to the child - it will not be successful.
Furthermore, he should have a 504 at school so the academic part will go easier for him. In "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley is a full section on ideas for what could be in a 504 plan to help kids at school. So this is another book that you will find helpful. You will find that her ideas on discipline are in line with Joe's - he just explains his in greater detail since that basically what most of his book is about. While Susan covers a whole range of AD/HD related things.
By the way, I am also the CL on the ADHD site - so feel free to post over there if you have any other related questions. Best wishes.
Poor little guy. In his world he probably takes this as being rejected by his mother..not an easy thing for a child to deal with.
It sounds like the therapist is a good move. I know that protecting your other children has to be a priority (it would be for any mother). I just hope that his life is able to be stabilized and that he gets the help he so clearly needs. I wish you all the best.
It sounds like the therapist is a good move. I know that protecting your other children has to be a priority (it would be for any mother). I just hope that his life is able to be stabilized and that he gets the help he so clearly needs. I wish you all the best.
His father has had custidy since he was 6ths old, he sees his mother every other weekend, we live close enough to drive frequently, she is allowe to see him more but doesnt. His actions with my children and the kids at school have become a issue- he cries, threatens-to the point im worried about the other peoples health, he has started seeing a therapist, however today he wants to move with his mom. He is grounded because of not doing his homework, I believe he is just pinning us against each other. The crying is a huge part, but he does so many other things. I almost think he has aspergers syndrome, his mom doesnt seem to care she only makes contact when we call to let her know whats going on, yet he wants to go there. In turn this upsets my children because they see me trying so hard and him being rude by his insults and not wanting to be here.
I don't know anything really about ADHD, but that aside, I would have to wonder if this isn't a result of the major change in his life. You say you just became his step mother, so that means a new marriage, and new step siblings. That can be super overwhelming for a child, even though it sounds like you are a very loving step mother to him. Is his real mom in his life consistantly? Is the move from her house to yours a recent move as well? If she is not, I'm sure he must be really missing her as well. He may also see his new step siblings are rivals for his fathers attention, and that too is not easy for a child.
I know this cannot be easy for you, particularly when there are other children also needing attention. It sounds like this little boy is just having a tough time adjusting and is going to need lots of extra attention and reassurance to feel secure and stable.
I know this cannot be easy for you, particularly when there are other children also needing attention. It sounds like this little boy is just having a tough time adjusting and is going to need lots of extra attention and reassurance to feel secure and stable.
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