3 years old terrified of kids

[bandcmom]

Please help. My 3 years old is terrified of children and he is afraid of to go further than 2 feet away from me in any playgroup, even at home he plays for 10 minutes in his room, then he comes where I am.  I always knew that my son is shy but this is more. He is panicking if a child approaches him. On a playground he is gonna run, sometimes fall from a slide if someone is behind him. I also have a 11 months old baby but when I take them to playgroups I have to watch my son, because he is so terrified even from babies or toddlers. I feel like I have no time to care about my daughter. My son is very good hearted, relaxed, kind, loving, happy boy. He gives kisses even to his trains. He would never hurt anyone or do bad things to anyone, sometimes I feel like he is just too good. Kids pick up on his vulnerability and throw sand on him, or hit him with a tricycle and he just stands there in a shock and you can see the panic on his face. He even tells me that he feels very sad. I love children by nature, so always showed him a good example that children are fun and nice, I tried to show him how to stand up for himself but he is so scared. He does not even allow his own sister to touch him. Not mentioning that he does not know how to play with someone since as soon as someone gets close to him, he is backing off. He is OK with adults and even with older children. The other day my friend's daughter wanted to play with him who is younger, she just chased him around me, he started to panic and cry. I had tried to increase his playgroup time but I think now his behaviour changed towards me, he is a well behaved, very good little boy if he is only with me, dad, sister, for days, as soon as he is in playgroups he does not follow instructions, have tantrums etc. and really saying No to me for everything. I feel like I need to help him with one-on-one relationships but how can I do that, if his reaction is crying and being miserable even with kids who just want to be nice to him.  I feel so sorry for him, sometimes when I leave the playgroup I just cry, I thought I was a good mum but I feel like I am failing him. It just breaks my heart. How will he handle social situations? How can I leave him in a preschool one day? He is so sensitive. Please write any advice, suggestion. I am so desperate.  

[bandcmom]

Dear jdtm, thank you so very much for writing and thanks for the advice. I will definitely check the bookshelves. I had tried message forums and I was surprised, only found two from 2008 but I had found MedHelp. I can be more specific now as social anxiety. Thank you, I am gonna do it.

As a mum I think I will also need help since  I do not know how to build up relationships anymore:
We had started a new group: yoga, in this situation children do not run and jump, I thought it is a relaxed environment for him. Unfortunately my son only does it if I am doing it with him.  Everybody else is in the baby section with their second baby and chatting, while I just leave my little girl there to play and I am next to my son. I had tried to step away but then he is just panicking and crying and coming after me and quit yoga. I had talked to one mum she is very kind and friendly and the mums feel like I am so focused, tunneled on my son that I am isolating myself from everybody else. ( I can not really chat) Most people looks at us like he is too clingy or attached or he just Mommy's little boy, nobody understood when I said he is like that because he is terrified of children. On the top of that now he is in a refusal stage...No I do not do it.

Thanks for the advice it is so great that people are trying to help I will continue the activities (even though so many times I feel like I just do not go anymore.)  and I will check everything about social anxiety.... Appreciate your help.  

[jdtm]

bandcmom - what you are seeing her is classic "social anxiety".  Please google this phrase or "social anxiety and children" or "behaviors of children with anxiety".  I suspect you will see your son described in many of the postings.

The internet has many ideas for assisting your son.  Since he speaks to adults and older children, it appears that his anxiety is not too severe.  You should also be able to find lots of information in books on-line, in bookstores or in your public library.  "Raising your Anxious Child" by Katharina Manassis is an excellent book with which to start.  There might even be message forums on parenting sites that might be able to assist you.  Anxiety is very common and highly treatable with an excellent prognosis.

Keep doing what you are doing - over socialization is the key.  But, don't expect your son to develop social skills quickly - and I'm speaking of years not weeks or months.  But improvement should be seen by summer if you keep taking him to the park, shopping malls, McDonald's, playdates, church school, grocery stores, etc.  Social anxiety is the result of a genetic trait and usually is not the result of life experiences.  In other words, he probably was born this way and your parenting has nothing to do with it.  You are not failing him; you are trying to find a solution and help him.

If convenient, you might wish to discuss this with your children's pediatrician - he/she might be able to offer more suggestions.  Let us know if you feel that we can be of more help.  All the best ....

[bandcmom]

Thanks for writing. Yes I am taking him to playgroups since he was about 6 months old. I remember for one occasion, he was about 15 months old and my friend's very loving son tried to give him a hug when they were just relaxing on the bed. My son was just laying there, did not move at all and cried while he just gave him a kiss. He did not even know how to push him away or come out of an uncomfortable situation for himself.
If I think back (at that time I did not take it so seriously) he had been always scared of even younger kids. If someone wanted to touch him or if a baby tried to climb to him, he just cried.  One thing is that we had moved a lot and I mean countries, different kids, different playgroup styles. Sometimes an ocean is between me and my friends, but I always tried to build up new relationships so he could get the chance to be socialised and the easiest way was playgroups. I was always so proud of him, since he was adjusting to every move so easily, in no time. But consistently seeing the same children did not happened or if it did for a while, we moved again. We rarely see our families but even from his cousins, he is terrified. He stays in one room with them but in a corner, far away from everybody. Until now it was not so bad. Everybody was like oh, he is little and he just attached to Mommy, he will grow it out,  but now I feel like everybody is isolating us because of his behaviour. Being different is not welcomed everywhere. Sorry for writing so much but this is only my second time writing to an internet community and I do not know how to describe my child's behaviour beside examples. Thank you for reading it.

[RockRose]

It sounds like he has gone a couple years without peer interactions.  In his infancy and childhood,  (before two years of age) has he had any consistent social relationships with babies his own age?