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4 year old out of control HELP!!!!!
my four year old step-son is completely of of control, he seems to have no response to any positive or negative reinforcement, he is an only child with a loving family which consists of his mom, his dad, his step-dad, and my self we all get along well, and try to be consistent with him, we also try to make it a point to do things all together and when he is just with my husband and I (we have him on the weekends) we do our best to make him the focus.
My concern is we can't take our eyes off him for even a second, even using the bathroom is too long a time to leave him alone, his bad behavior is consistent in both mine and his mother's house. The number one rule at both houses is to not go in to the fridge with out an adult and he does almost a thousand times a day, we got child locks and he figured out how to open them,we tried time outs, talking to him, yelling at him, nothing works, we also tried making charts of "good days" I even made labels with our pictures to show who is allowed to open what (if his picture is not on the cabinet, he may not open it I made sure to explain this too) we tried these things for a few months and to be consistent and it had not worked at all.
Worst of all is when I try to explain why I don't want him to do something he will make no eye contact with me, I have to stop him and say "I'm here, please look at me" and it takes me saying this several times before he makes eye contact which he'll do for only a split second. His speech and vocabulary are way behind that of a four year olds, and he does not show any empathy he will pull hair, hit, bite and when you stop him and say "Ouch hitting hurts! please stop!" he'll just smile or laugh and do it again and again.
He is really demanding if you're doing something he wants to do he'll push you out of the way, or if you have something he wants he will just rip it out of your hands. We tell him that that's not okay and to use his words and ask if he can do it or if he may have something and what he will do is just make a noise or say "Pleeeaaaase" and then continue to take it, and I have to stop him again and say "you did not give me time to say yes or no" if he does not get his way he throws tantrums, he will say things like "I don't like you!" kick, punch, scream really loud if he's at home I put him in his bed to throw his fit where he wont hurt himself, and when he becomes aware he is being ignored I have to walk away, or sing really loud to show him that I'm not interested in hearing his screaming.
He is not potty trained yet and we have been trying since he was 2 years old, he refuses to use to the potty and we ask him to use the potty and he will run away, we have tried every method possible of positive reenforcement when he does actually use it we act as though it was this great accomplishment usually we say things like "GREAT JOB BUDDY GIVE ME FIVE!!! YEAH!!!"and he's real happy once he has done it but refuses to take any iniative.
He also refuses to do things like hold his own tooth brush, try to dress him self, use a spoon or fork, when I ask him to try these things he says "I can't do it!" lately our method has been "Practice runs" to have him try it as we're doing it at the same time like brushing his teeth ill say "before we put the tooth paste on lets have a practice run" then I have to show him step by step how to do it and as we're doing it I give him constant positive reenforcement I say "Yeah you're doin it,your SOO good at this! way to go!"
We have been working on colors, numbers, letters for his whole toddler-hood he still has not grasped it, he can not identify any numbers or letters yet and colors he is finally starting to get the hang of, I do my best to use these lessons in daily conversation like "Look you're putting away three red cups, lets count them" but he can not grasp the concept and its beginning to concern me.
So back to his behavior, he is extremely destructive I dread waking up in the morning because I know that he had gotten up at some point and destroyed something, I'm even nervous to take a shower or use the bathroom because he is THAT destructive, I have tried putting up gates he just climbs over them, he has figured out every child lock under the sun and has found every hiding place for things he uses to destroy my home with. He never takes no for an answer he will lie and sneak to get what he wants he will leave the room and say he has to go potty and I will find him sitting in the kitchen eating sweets. Last week his mother had taken a shower and he found scissors and ripped thier couch to ribbons, 2 days before when she went to the bathroom he took a jar of peanut butter and literally smeared it all over her living room floor. At my house he has gotten up in the middle of the night, fed the dog 2 boxes of treats a box of cerial, dumped food all over my kitchen and living room smashed grapes into the carpet broke my porclean figurines that I got from my grandparents who passed on, climbed up top an 8 foot book shelf to get the candy I had hidden up there and when he was asked why he did this (by his dad) he said I did it. Also earlier that day we had gone to the park and he was walking to the street I stopped him before he got to the street and said "It's not okay to go to the street by your self you need a grown-up lets go play on the play ground" he just gave me a smug smile and ran right to the middle of the road and acted totally surprised when I punished him and threw a fit.
the worst part is, is that our rules are consistent and concrete we make them clear every day and he STILL acts surprised and angry when he is punished, and his lack of eye contact drives me up a wall because it feels like I'm just talking to thin air. When I ask him to do something he COMPLETELY ignores me, and if I can't be ignored he'll try to sneak away or lie for example if I ask him to clean up his toys before dinner he will completely ignore me, or he will wait til I'm not looking and sneak away, or he will say "The dog made mess" or "Pappa made mess" the only way to get him to do it is to be right with him reminding him what hes doing every 2 seconds LITERALLY! or else he'll start playing or destroy something.
at restaraunts and at the dinner table he gets up and runs away and does as he pleases, he will take food from other people, stand on the chairs, spit his food out, scream really loud, dump food into his drink, dump his drink out onto his food or on the table, make inappropriate sounds, reach over the table for condiments he doesn't need, pour condiments on other peoples food.
When we go to the store I tell him what we're going for, and he always EXPECTS me to buy him something and I rarely ever do, he also runs away, screams and yells, throws tantrums and acts like a complete lunatic!
With other people adults and children alike he has no boundaries, he will climb all over them, and again he will pull hair, hit, slap, bite, tackle, push, shove and usually not because hes mad but because he just gets so excited he cant seem to help himself.
Any way, I don't know what to do, does he have some kind of behavior problem?we all do our best to be positive and make his childhood happy and memorable, he is signed up to go to pre-school soon and I'm worried about how he'll behave then with his delays in speech, potty training,ect I'm wondering if he'll be able to function in main-stream classes he is barely interested in learning one-on-one how will he behave in a class room?
WHAT DO I DO? WHO CAN HELP????
My concern is we can't take our eyes off him for even a second, even using the bathroom is too long a time to leave him alone, his bad behavior is consistent in both mine and his mother's house. The number one rule at both houses is to not go in to the fridge with out an adult and he does almost a thousand times a day, we got child locks and he figured out how to open them,we tried time outs, talking to him, yelling at him, nothing works, we also tried making charts of "good days" I even made labels with our pictures to show who is allowed to open what (if his picture is not on the cabinet, he may not open it I made sure to explain this too) we tried these things for a few months and to be consistent and it had not worked at all.
Worst of all is when I try to explain why I don't want him to do something he will make no eye contact with me, I have to stop him and say "I'm here, please look at me" and it takes me saying this several times before he makes eye contact which he'll do for only a split second. His speech and vocabulary are way behind that of a four year olds, and he does not show any empathy he will pull hair, hit, bite and when you stop him and say "Ouch hitting hurts! please stop!" he'll just smile or laugh and do it again and again.
He is really demanding if you're doing something he wants to do he'll push you out of the way, or if you have something he wants he will just rip it out of your hands. We tell him that that's not okay and to use his words and ask if he can do it or if he may have something and what he will do is just make a noise or say "Pleeeaaaase" and then continue to take it, and I have to stop him again and say "you did not give me time to say yes or no" if he does not get his way he throws tantrums, he will say things like "I don't like you!" kick, punch, scream really loud if he's at home I put him in his bed to throw his fit where he wont hurt himself, and when he becomes aware he is being ignored I have to walk away, or sing really loud to show him that I'm not interested in hearing his screaming.
He is not potty trained yet and we have been trying since he was 2 years old, he refuses to use to the potty and we ask him to use the potty and he will run away, we have tried every method possible of positive reenforcement when he does actually use it we act as though it was this great accomplishment usually we say things like "GREAT JOB BUDDY GIVE ME FIVE!!! YEAH!!!"and he's real happy once he has done it but refuses to take any iniative.
He also refuses to do things like hold his own tooth brush, try to dress him self, use a spoon or fork, when I ask him to try these things he says "I can't do it!" lately our method has been "Practice runs" to have him try it as we're doing it at the same time like brushing his teeth ill say "before we put the tooth paste on lets have a practice run" then I have to show him step by step how to do it and as we're doing it I give him constant positive reenforcement I say "Yeah you're doin it,your SOO good at this! way to go!"
We have been working on colors, numbers, letters for his whole toddler-hood he still has not grasped it, he can not identify any numbers or letters yet and colors he is finally starting to get the hang of, I do my best to use these lessons in daily conversation like "Look you're putting away three red cups, lets count them" but he can not grasp the concept and its beginning to concern me.
So back to his behavior, he is extremely destructive I dread waking up in the morning because I know that he had gotten up at some point and destroyed something, I'm even nervous to take a shower or use the bathroom because he is THAT destructive, I have tried putting up gates he just climbs over them, he has figured out every child lock under the sun and has found every hiding place for things he uses to destroy my home with. He never takes no for an answer he will lie and sneak to get what he wants he will leave the room and say he has to go potty and I will find him sitting in the kitchen eating sweets. Last week his mother had taken a shower and he found scissors and ripped thier couch to ribbons, 2 days before when she went to the bathroom he took a jar of peanut butter and literally smeared it all over her living room floor. At my house he has gotten up in the middle of the night, fed the dog 2 boxes of treats a box of cerial, dumped food all over my kitchen and living room smashed grapes into the carpet broke my porclean figurines that I got from my grandparents who passed on, climbed up top an 8 foot book shelf to get the candy I had hidden up there and when he was asked why he did this (by his dad) he said I did it. Also earlier that day we had gone to the park and he was walking to the street I stopped him before he got to the street and said "It's not okay to go to the street by your self you need a grown-up lets go play on the play ground" he just gave me a smug smile and ran right to the middle of the road and acted totally surprised when I punished him and threw a fit.
the worst part is, is that our rules are consistent and concrete we make them clear every day and he STILL acts surprised and angry when he is punished, and his lack of eye contact drives me up a wall because it feels like I'm just talking to thin air. When I ask him to do something he COMPLETELY ignores me, and if I can't be ignored he'll try to sneak away or lie for example if I ask him to clean up his toys before dinner he will completely ignore me, or he will wait til I'm not looking and sneak away, or he will say "The dog made mess" or "Pappa made mess" the only way to get him to do it is to be right with him reminding him what hes doing every 2 seconds LITERALLY! or else he'll start playing or destroy something.
at restaraunts and at the dinner table he gets up and runs away and does as he pleases, he will take food from other people, stand on the chairs, spit his food out, scream really loud, dump food into his drink, dump his drink out onto his food or on the table, make inappropriate sounds, reach over the table for condiments he doesn't need, pour condiments on other peoples food.
When we go to the store I tell him what we're going for, and he always EXPECTS me to buy him something and I rarely ever do, he also runs away, screams and yells, throws tantrums and acts like a complete lunatic!
With other people adults and children alike he has no boundaries, he will climb all over them, and again he will pull hair, hit, slap, bite, tackle, push, shove and usually not because hes mad but because he just gets so excited he cant seem to help himself.
Any way, I don't know what to do, does he have some kind of behavior problem?we all do our best to be positive and make his childhood happy and memorable, he is signed up to go to pre-school soon and I'm worried about how he'll behave then with his delays in speech, potty training,ect I'm wondering if he'll be able to function in main-stream classes he is barely interested in learning one-on-one how will he behave in a class room?
WHAT DO I DO? WHO CAN HELP????
Hoo, I'm tired from reading that!!
I have two thoughts - has he had a head injury, or is there any reason to believe he was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or other pre-birth impairment? By and large was his birth normal and his very first few weeks went well without physical trauma to his head?
He's developmentally far enough behind that his brain is an issue here - this is beyond behavioral problems.
On the other hand, I get the sense that everyone is pleading with him to behave, no one is saying in VERY stern angry terms to CUT THAT OUT. Sit down right now, and be quiet. Raised voice, stern look on your face, firm grip on his shoulder. I agree he seems very difficult (extremely) to control, but the image of a four year old running around a restaurant grabbing food off people's plates makes my head fly off. A child in my care wouldn't be donig that - he'd be screaming on the way out to the car, on the way home, with no dinner, and a furious mother.
I think first step, as the others have said, is get him evaluated. Then, with a professional come up with a behavioral plan that includes demanding that he stop, or he'll be carried out of whereever he is, and life won't get better from that moment.
Best wishes.
I have two thoughts - has he had a head injury, or is there any reason to believe he was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or other pre-birth impairment? By and large was his birth normal and his very first few weeks went well without physical trauma to his head?
He's developmentally far enough behind that his brain is an issue here - this is beyond behavioral problems.
On the other hand, I get the sense that everyone is pleading with him to behave, no one is saying in VERY stern angry terms to CUT THAT OUT. Sit down right now, and be quiet. Raised voice, stern look on your face, firm grip on his shoulder. I agree he seems very difficult (extremely) to control, but the image of a four year old running around a restaurant grabbing food off people's plates makes my head fly off. A child in my care wouldn't be donig that - he'd be screaming on the way out to the car, on the way home, with no dinner, and a furious mother.
I think first step, as the others have said, is get him evaluated. Then, with a professional come up with a behavioral plan that includes demanding that he stop, or he'll be carried out of whereever he is, and life won't get better from that moment.
Best wishes.
i have to say that I am impressed with many of the measures and accomodations you have done to try to help him. giving visual cues and boundaries with pictures is a great thing (any chance you're a preschool teacher???) anyways, it really seems like something is genuinely going on there. and i don't say that to many people who come on here complaining about their child's behavior. your profile doesn't state where you are. you definitely need to speak to your child's pediatrician about your concerns. in addition, you need to contact your school district to see if they offer any kind of early intervention. he needs to be evaluated so that they can start giving him the appropriate help. i have no doubt that he will have a very difficult time in preschool. many preschools are not equipped or trained to work constructively with children like him. i am currently struggling with a child who is not as bad as you describe. as a teacher i have done all I can to help him, but his problems are beyond what i am trained to handle. and we have extensive resources in the school like social workers to help us.
your stepson sounds like he is bright in that he can find ways to get around locks and such, but it also sounds like he has some cognitive delays as well. it is concerning that after working with him so much that he is not retaining and/or recalling much. i also want to mention that you are going about it the right way- incorporating learning into play. learning counting and colors while putting cups away is so much more meaningful to a child than sitting down and doing worksheets. keep up your good work with him. i can't even imagine how frustrated you are. he is blessed to have you in his family. keep doing what you do, but it's definitely time to get help.
your stepson sounds like he is bright in that he can find ways to get around locks and such, but it also sounds like he has some cognitive delays as well. it is concerning that after working with him so much that he is not retaining and/or recalling much. i also want to mention that you are going about it the right way- incorporating learning into play. learning counting and colors while putting cups away is so much more meaningful to a child than sitting down and doing worksheets. keep up your good work with him. i can't even imagine how frustrated you are. he is blessed to have you in his family. keep doing what you do, but it's definitely time to get help.
Goodness, after reading all that, I wonder if any of these issues have been addressed to his pediatrician in order to get a referal to a child psychologist?
Your step son definitely sounds like there is something behaviorally wrong that is mostly beyond the control of you all right now. He may have some form of mild autism or other behavior disorder or syndrome that needs psychological therapy and/or medications, not to mention a possible learning disability.
I think you should address these concerns with his pediatrician immediately, before he goes to pre-school and faces more problems due to the fact that he simply can't function like the average 4 year old. If his issues are not addressed now, he's going to end up expelled.
Also, what have you all done for discipline besides positive reinforcement, time outs, yelling, etc? Just wondering, as you didn't say what you do for issues with eating. For example, you said he'll stand in his chair, spit out food everywhere, dump his drink on the table, take other people's food. Do you actually let this continue after he starts? Or do you still give him a chance to finish his meal?
If my son did even one of those things, that would be it--dinner for him would be over, he'd get his butt swatted and go to bed. No arguments and no snacks. Just immediate bedtime.
I'd explain to him what proper manners are before dinner, have him repeat them back to me, and tell him if he can't use his good manners then he won't eat dinner. After a couple days of that, I don't know about your step-son, but I know my son would think twice before acting up to that extent at dinner--probably because at that point he'd actually be hungry and interested in eating his food rather than turning it into destructive playtime.
But definitely get his behavior issues addressed with a doctor.
I hope things get better for your family and the little guy.
Your step son definitely sounds like there is something behaviorally wrong that is mostly beyond the control of you all right now. He may have some form of mild autism or other behavior disorder or syndrome that needs psychological therapy and/or medications, not to mention a possible learning disability.
I think you should address these concerns with his pediatrician immediately, before he goes to pre-school and faces more problems due to the fact that he simply can't function like the average 4 year old. If his issues are not addressed now, he's going to end up expelled.
Also, what have you all done for discipline besides positive reinforcement, time outs, yelling, etc? Just wondering, as you didn't say what you do for issues with eating. For example, you said he'll stand in his chair, spit out food everywhere, dump his drink on the table, take other people's food. Do you actually let this continue after he starts? Or do you still give him a chance to finish his meal?
If my son did even one of those things, that would be it--dinner for him would be over, he'd get his butt swatted and go to bed. No arguments and no snacks. Just immediate bedtime.
I'd explain to him what proper manners are before dinner, have him repeat them back to me, and tell him if he can't use his good manners then he won't eat dinner. After a couple days of that, I don't know about your step-son, but I know my son would think twice before acting up to that extent at dinner--probably because at that point he'd actually be hungry and interested in eating his food rather than turning it into destructive playtime.
But definitely get his behavior issues addressed with a doctor.
I hope things get better for your family and the little guy.
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