7 year old child is out of control

[Brig1975]

My 7 year old daughter is out of control, she does not listen to what she has been told to do, constantly talking back mimicing me, trying to get her sibling to do stuff that is not right. Lying giving me a hard time about everything, when is told to something she says "NO" or if she is told "NO" that she can't do something then she constantly bugs to do it and has a fit. Takes off in stores, ahe will not do her punishment for mis-behaviour like go to her room after school until dinner. She has no remorse for mis behaving. This has been a battle since she was 2 yrs old. I don't know what to do anymore, she knows what buttons to push to upset me.Does not listen to instructions, if asked to do something she will do the opposite or do what she wants, taking stuff away does not work.She is constantly arguing with me about everything. Please give me some suggestions.

Brig 1975

[Wellsir]

No remorse sounds serious. You need to get her in with a Child psychiatrist!  ASAP!!!!!

[coleyhollis]

Same situation right now with my daughter who is 7. We literally look forward to the weekends she is away at her dads. Where she does not act or treat them this way. I have lost hope!! I am packing her up to go live with her father for a while. I cant take it anymore...

[143Maynard]

Hello, my seven year old daughter is THE EXACT SAME WAY and worse! Some dark evilness lurks in MINE I SWEAR!!!; and I'm trying to find a behavioral center that will ovserce , ***** and treat her before I lose it and hurt her, and or myself.... If I can't get us help I HAVE TO WALK AWAY AND FIND HER AN ADOPTIVE FAMILY because I'm a single parent with only two eyes and she an only child with ADHD and ODD needs more than just two eyes watching her....I'm AT THE END OF OF MY ROPE

[sistersinfaith]

Have her psychologically evaluated for ODD/ADHD.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

[Womble_of_Wimbledon]

It sounds like she is really quite advanced for her age. It could be that she is bored. It is a very simplified term for an acutely quite difficult problem. Is she being stretched enough, both physically and mentally.

I would strongly suggest some therapy in regards to the sexual experimentation. Some positive ground rules need setting about privacy and personal space. There are some really well qualified councillors out there that do this sort of thing for a living. Talk to your GP about it. I think therapy would be good for her anyway.

When she is at home, try keeping her engaged in activities that you may at first think are far to advanced for her years. I'm not taking films for 15 year olds. I'm thinking more like jigsaw puzzles for 12 year olds. Get her books that push her reading comprehension. Make her work for everything she does. If she is interested in lego, get her mechano. If she likes sports, up the difficulty level and stamina needed. Make her super busy all the time. Honestly, make sure she never has free time again, but also make sure all these activities are things she would like to do as they are not punishment. At the end of the day she should be crawling in to her bed and collapsing with exhaustion.

The big one that I have seen work well with aggressive and badly behaved children is martial arts. Make sure you get her into serious classes and not the small child version. She needs to seriously learn. I know it feels counter intuitive, but they learn tremendous discipline. They also learn what controlled violence means and they suddenly start to respect people bigger than them because they learn just how much damage the wrong person could do. They channel all their anger and rage in a very productive way and they get taught very quickly that the ONLY place the can ever be violent is at the classes or they get banned. It's brilliant for kids and would 100% recommend it for badly behaved kids. It also helps if the instructor is a large and intimidating. They could be sweetest man/woman alive, but it gets things off on the right foot.

Combine martial arts with team games, like rugby, football and holly ball. Sailing if your budget can stretch is also very good for learning how to behave within a team. Your daughter needs to learn that you family is a team and if she can learn how a team works through her friends, it is easier to apply to the home. I used to skipper yachts and whist on board everyone did their turn at every job and I apply the same rules to my home. Even if the kid if 5 and needs help to cook the supper once a week, they will still have to take their turn. You may eat beans and toast a lot, but as they get older they will expand. It makes them feel as though they have some control, but also some responsibility within your family team.

I could go on for years about this stuff. My partner and I both used to work with troubled and disabled teens. Rule one was always make sure they are stretched to capacity at all times. Down time was something earnt. Most of the time once they get into fairly strict routines where 98% of their day was accounted for, things dramatically improved. Kids thrive on structure just as most adults do. Make a day calendar and fill it for her so that her whole day is accounted for. Get her a watch so that she can monitor her own progress through out the day, ticking things off as she goes. Makes sure you also have a solid reward system and stick to your guns. Do not negotiate with terrorists! Good luck!

[judyrad]

Shes only seven, so of course shes going to misbehave,treating her like an abused dog will not make her feel any better, instead ognor the bad, just set her in her room or put her nose against the wall and praise her good moments, shes probably does not respect you because it show no control.. show her how to behave instead of teller her, give her more affection hugs kisses and love. Some kids just need more attention, outside actives and sports will help expelled extra energy..

[Cmk888]

You apparently dont have a child that acts this way. It is not a lack of love or direction.  I have three kids and only one that behaves this way to a point of pure exhaustion. It is ruining our family. She has been acting this way since she was born and is now seven. She has tons of friends. People love her. She plays soccer, does gymnastics, plays softball, plays basketball, does Girl Scouts and takes religious education classes. She is just is out of control at home. To say just put her in her room.. that isnt even easy..she screams non stop. You would think there is a bigger mental issue but there is not. Sadly I wish there was a bigger issue so I could fix it. This is just her personality and we are trying to find ways to deal with it.

[DaniEZM]

My 6 year old son is exactly the same. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and is currently being assessed for Aspergers. I have done parenting course after parenting course including 123 Magic so I can better help my son, but to no avail. He has been excluded from school twice for lashing out and is currently excluded. The school are going to be holding a meeting with all different teacher, Ed Pshch, therapist etc to decide if he can return. I am seriously on the edge with it all. All I try and do is support and help my son and in return I get punched, kicked, bitten, things thrown at me this is also directed at my 4 year old daughter too. I really do know how you feel. I am constantly using 123 Magic on my son, plus lots of praise (although at times this is hard to do, especially if he has been violent toward me) I try to stick with the same discipline and I try very hard to keep the boundarys in place. All this is so hard to do though whilst he's mood is so aggressive and violent.

[YouAreTheBoss]

Consistency is super important in this type of situation. Set a punishment and stick to it. If she has a meltdown send her to her room and refuse to listen to her fits. If she refuses to go to her room pick her up and put her in there, and if she leaves put her back till she stays. My husband and I had similar issues with my stepdaughter and this has worked for us. But consistency is definitely most important. If you slack on that she'll never know when you're actually serious and when she can push back to get out of something.

[dawnrobyn]

Honey I am in the same boat as you. My son is 7 years old. When  he entered kindergarten he was fine. No complaints.  All started last year mid way through the year (December) his teacher started writing notes saying she had a few misbehaved children in her class and he was starting to follow their bahaviors. By the end of the year I endured HELL. Every day telephone calls where my stomach would turn just seeing the number come up on my phone. He left class one time without permission from the teacher to go to the computer room and she grabbed him by the arm and left scratch marks on him. To so many meetings that I care to even discuss. I blamed a lot on the teacher because she wasn't the nicest teacher. He was suspended countless times and in the time out room almost every day. Could not attend school functions because of his behavior. I was at my witts end and ready to quit my job and look into home schooling him. THANK GOD it was summer and he was out of school (as he is NOT a bad child when he is at home) hmmmmm . This year I hoped for a better year and knew when I found out who his teacher was that if there were problems in school this year it couldn't be blamed on her (as all 4 of my other children had her and she is a very nice teacher) phew 1st week goes by and he claims he likes his teacher and NO PHONE CALLS.... woo hoo..... yesterday start of 2nd week of school, the phone calls began with a voice message from his teacher stating that he has not listened the days he has been there. All last week when we asked how his day was he literally lied to us and told us it was good. Here we go again... ANOTHER year like last!!!! :(  He has been going under his desk when he is told to do something and doesn't want to... he was in the bathroom and smeared soap all over the mirror... well today he is in the time out room for it.I guess I was hoping and praying that he would "grow" out of it. It seems like they just want me to throw him on medication which I am so against. I am lost and just don't know what else to do. Just know that it is not just your child and if you find something that helps PLEASE share with me !!!!

[Martij88]

Omg u just described last school year and the one that just started. How is your child doing? Have u had any luck? If u did please share. Its extremely frustrating, i feel nobody understands what im going through. I cry daily.

[Sandman2]

  I heard you and I replied.  Check out your post.  And thanks for all the info, I can tell you really care.

[angrymommie]

Did you get help? I keep seeing stories, but what do we do? I am ready to give her away!!! Like seriously! she is 9 now, my son is 24, he never acted this way! I do not want this child in my home another day! WHAT DO WE DO????? UGH

[Rach_leilani1983]

Hello, have things improved for you? I have some suggestions if not.

[Rach_leilani1983]

Hello, have things improved for you? I have some suggestions if not.

[angrymommie]

OMG!! YES!!!! This is my life! I love my daughter, but hate her.... sad. I cry everyday. I do not know what to do. I really wish someone would answer and help!!! I see everyone's stories, but no real feedback! :/

[Rach250581]

My daughter has just turned into this over night since going back to school, I am so exhausted with it and upset.  She was so good how can everything go so wrong x

[ADHDmom09]

My 7 year old son has ADHA he was in vyvance but it made me like a zombie he did wonderful in school and on home work and sports but I choose to take him off because of the zombie effect I made him have he is child and he should enjoy life not be druged but now that he is off he is almost out of control at school and getting sent to the office pushing kids breaking penciles throwing a fit when he don't get what he wants  what should I do about this

[adhdman]

Our 7 year old daughter does all of these same thing! You cannot blame it on adhd and other medical reasons. I had adhd my entire life and you do have some control over it. These doctors use these diagnosis as a way to reach in your checkbook. Adhd only can be controled when the person with it learns and wants to control it. A child as young as 5 years old knows when they are good or bad. They will manipulate and use these disorders as a crutch. How many parents say "its not his/her fault its adhd"! You have to cut out sugars and candys almost completly suger does trigger adhd and makes it almost completly impossible to control. We learned isolation is the best weapon to fight this disorder. Without the attention they want they will stop the behavior. It will be hard at first they will fight it but you must be strong dont give. Up good luck

[Sandman2]

To adhdman,
   Yes, it is possible (to a certain extent) to learn how to control your ADHD.  That is why behavioral therapy by a specialist is recommended.  However, to expect a 7 year old to do what an adult has trouble doing, is bothering to me.  All isolation is going to do is to make your child depressed and anxiety ridden.  Please take the time to find out how to help her.  You are really sending her down a very rocky road with apparently very little help.

[Dittowoman]

This may sound like I don't understand your problems, but I most certainly do. Stop the smacking, it makes things worse. Each time your child does do something well no matter how small, praise the effort. When there is unwanted behaviour, make it known that this is unacceptable and that, for example: he won't be doing say: his PlayStation and that it is going to be taken away until he can show you he can be good. Picture Plans are sometimes helpful to children with difficulties as you describe, when the child can see what they are expected to do, they have a better understanding. These efforts do not work right away nor do they work if you don't keep them up and everyone involved with the child, needs to be doing and saying the same things, this gives a clear message to the child that his present behaviour is unacceptable. Has there been any assessments done for ADHD / Aspergers/ Autism/Dyslexia????? These can all have an effect on behaviour. Good luck! Its hard work finding a solution but your child will not respond to smacking, hitting or anything else of this nature. It increases the bad behaviour, is meaningless to the child and actually does do harm even if you are not aware of this. Striking a child is NEVER OK, this is abuse!
Good luck.

[Sandman2]

   Kind of hard to help her if she does not post here.  You might try suggesting that she buy this book - "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.  
    Also, once the child enters the public school system - she should be offered help.

[Sandman2]

   If you had posted this on the ADHD forum here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175 - I would have answered sooner.
    Wow, I feel for you.  All you apparently have gotten ( a few years too late) is a diagnosis and a wait time for therapy for him.  Well, and the school can't suspend him any more.  Of course, one thing to think about is if the school hadn't been suspending him - would you have gone for the professional recommendation?  Its kind of a common practice to make parents get more involved.
    Anyway, you need lots of information.
    First, don't try the spanking.  It won't work and he will hate you for it because it won't work.  He can't control what he is doing.
     He has ADHD.  Most of the other stuff is because of the ADHD.  You need to find out all you can about ADHD.  This is a good starting point and it has other good resources.     http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/About-ADHD.aspx
      In terms of how you work with him - check out these links - http://www.additudemag.com/topic/parenting-adhd-children/behavior-discipline.html
       And, you cannot just sit around and wait for therapy.  These links will help you at home.  Nor can you count on the school to do it all for you - they can't.
        Sooner or later, you will have to address the medication aspect.  It will make life easier if done correctly.   This is a really good link giving the pros and cons of that.   http://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/181/index.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=march
      Finally, I need to say because I have answered thousands of posts, and have been in the public school system for years and years and years.  When you say - "The schools need to work with our children and become more aware, not teach our kids that it's okay to act up as if means you get to miss school."   You are missing the whole point of ADHD.   He is acting up because he has no control over what he is doing.  Once you figure that out, then you will be able to help him.  If you persist in thinking that he has control and something like spanking him will change him- I know what will happen and you don't want to find out.
    I hope this helps you.  I will be glad to answer any questions you have (I am much cheaper then any professional) on this site or on the ADHD site.  Best wishes!!!

[fred11111]

i know  a 5yr old boy black so out of control i am afraid he will take a life one day... he already  is punching  his mom and says i hate you,hits other kids in the face and beats on house pets.with  no remorse does not respond to punishment every he does real bad things  at least 20 times a day..NOTHING HELPS    PLEASE HELP THIS SINGLE MOM

[xoxMissyxox]

My son is 7 turning 8 this year. He started showing signs of complete disobedience and disregard for others feelings as soon as he started kindergarten. I am at my wits end trying to figure out a way to get through to him. He is very silly and bounces off of furniture, yells and says obnoxious things, doesn't do what he is told, goes from happy to emotional in a blink, repeats the words poo poo over and over or other random immature words, he doesn't make friends at school easilly, but is very well liked. He can't seem to grasp friendships and feels left out all the time as he takes things the other children say too personally and feels like his world is over. For years I've been struggling with him and his bed time and I've tried everything possible  to avoid arguments.  I don't spank him but his father does. His father and I are separated for 4 years now and my son listens to his Dad more since he introduced spankings. I'm sure tempted to try this but I don't know if I am sold on the idea yet. My days are some times so terrible as I get calls at work to come get him from school as he gets into altercations and will hit or say something totally inappropriate. I had him taken to see a professional and he was diagnosed with AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER, ODD, ADHD combined type, mild echolalia OCD and I think that about covers it. On the plus side the school can no longer remove him or suspend him from school as they had been since Grade 1. Instead they have to work with him like they should have been since day one. The school system let me down by suspending him 4 times for his behaviour and he is only on grade 2. Now he doesn't even want to be in school. I'm on a waiting list for free therapy and our journey has just begun. HaNg in there fellow parents as boys especially get better as they get older and mature. I do not believe my son as autism spectrum disorder ax he seems completely normal when he is not acting up, however, I will not challenge the diagnosis now as its the only thing keeping him in school and me from losing my job as I was haVing to leave all the time. The schools need to work with our children and become more aware, not teach our kids that it's okay to act up as if means you get to miss school. I think that schools need to place more focus on friendship building, conflict resolution early on to build more healthy self esteems in our children. They spend most of their time there in the classroom and its time they taught something practical. I'm going outo oF my mind but I hope soon to find answers for my boy.

[Sandman2]

   Boy, lots of posts on this page.  Check out my post on Mar 26, 2015 and Nov. 15, 2015.  I recommend some books and ideas that I think you will find helpful.   If I can be more specific, please ask.

[nickjeans]

I read your post and it struck a cord with me.  My son is currently 7 and he's not on medication but has similar outbursts, along with his caring/awesome side.  I was wondering what you have done over the past few years to help your child?  Looking for some advice right now (my son is beginning to amp up the tantrums and volatility, especially at school).  Thanks for taking the time to read my post. Best, Nicole

[Misskitty951]

I'm the grandmother and it's harder to be me and watch my son try to handle his 7 yr old daughter when she's being rude and out of control. I see from an outsider that the child stays up too late on school nights and then she will not stop her bad behavior and people give in rather than deal with her acting poorly. So she gets her way that way.  She has all the grown ups trained to give her what she wants. It's ruining her.  Whatever you parents do, if it's not working stop doing it.  Time to figure out what will work.

[Sandman2]

   There are several reasons why spanking does not work for many kids - and you have found one.
   You didn't mention his age and how you deal with discipline is somewhat dependent on age.
   but, without knowing more - a book I recommend a lot is - "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark  
   It will help!

[chichigirl77]

Hi. I know this was about 5 years ago so not sure how you have gotten on with your son but have you considered having him assessed by a professional? A lot of the behaviours expressed here on this forum are pointing to possible disorders like oppositional defiance disorder. It's best to get your child assessed to rule out any possible mental, behavioural or personality disorder. Good luck.