8 year old

Question

Hi I have an amazing 8 year old boy who does not know how to self soothe, play by himself or entertain himself.  He has ADHD and has a hard time being without someone constantly paying attention to him.  He is afraid to go upstairs by himself or downstairs if nobody is with him. He will not play outside.  Its like he needs guidance all the time.  He counts on me for everything.  He is like mom,mom mom all the time.  I just want him to be able to be independent and strong.  Any advice?  He was home schooled for a while and going back to regular school.  He has 2 houses since I am divorced.

specialmom · Accepted Answer

Hi there.  Well, what you describe almost sounds more like anxiety than it does adhd symptoms.  My older son has sensory which is very similar to to adhd, it's neurological in nature as adhd is, and he also has anxiety.  The self soothing is something he had to work on.  Are you talking about when he is upset, calming himself back down?  With my son, we worked with an occupational therapist for strategies for this.  When he was younger, we introduced a 'cool down' spot which for us is a corner in a room with lots of pillows tucked back behind a chair.  We have a throw blanket back there as well.  Some kids really like an enclosed place like a tent or under a table too.  But it is 'their' spot.  you can have soothing things there like something to chew on.  Yes, I said chew.  some kids orally soothe.  My son had for a long time a rubber P that he could chew on if upset.  he had a little hammer set we had tucked in his cool down spot that he could hammer wood pegs into a board (it's the old hammer and peg wooden toy and we got it cheap on ebay).  That hitting motion is soothing.  We have calming snacks such as licorice, fruit treats or chewing gum.  all help slow and soothe the nervous system.  We taught him strategies to use himself such as giving himself a big hug when he is upset ---  that squeeze he gives himself is the same as a squeeze you give him which is a nervous system release.  He could push against the wall to try to push it over which we called . . .  push overs.  Also a nervous system release.  If he likes to rock, you can have a kids size rocking chair for him.  Etc.  Give him the things he needs to soothe himself and then teach him how to use them.  he may still want you but you can give him a quick hug and then direct him to his 'spot'.  This really helped my son.

But the things like not going to different levels of the house or leaving the house really does sound anxiety oriented.  Have you considered talking to a therapist about this?

jessiker506 · Answer

Great help!!

jessiker506 · Answer

Thank you very much for your help.

Sandman2 · Answer

Specialmom has a lot of good ideas to help.  And I really agree that a lot of this does sound like anxiety.  25 to 30% of kids with ADHD do have anxiety as a co-existing disorder.  ( "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley p. 53).  I do think that a child of this age who has gone through what he has (not your fault), coupled with ADHD could very well have anxiety problems.
    And the thing is ---- kids of this age (heck most kids) don't know how to self soothe.  It is something that has to be taught.   Thats why Specialmoms ideas are so good.  He needs to be taught or shown how to self soothe. 
   And, of course, school can really add to anxiety levels.  Is he on medication?   And if this is a new school - thats a frightening place to a 3rd grader.   Do talk to this teacher and see how he is doing.  What is really important is for him to find a friend.  The teacher may be able to help here.  But most importantly, the teacher does need to know what is going on with him.  She can make a huge difference if she chooses to do so.
   Long story short - if you want him to be independent and strong, you need to teach him how to do so.  Just realize it will not happen overnight.
   I am also the CL on the ADHD forum here - http://www.medhelp.org/forums/ADD---ADHD/show/175
   If there is any way that I can help you with resources for that please don't hesitate to ask.  Best wishes.

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