8 y.o. arguing, complaining, whining

[NickieLea]

My 8 year old daughter is driving me crazy.  She argues with everything I say, whines when told what to do, complains about homework, chores, brushing teeth, cleaning room, taking a shower, etc.  She has always had terrific behavior at school and makes good grades.  She's pleasant to everyone else - peers and adults alike.  But the minute we pull in the driveway, it is non-stop negative attitude right up to bedtime.  I have tried positive reinforcement for good behavior, consequences for bad.  I have tried being happy, angry and even non-emotional.  I have always been consistent with discipline.  I cannot understand why she digs her heels in and makes life so unpleasant for herself and her parents.  Is this a "stage"?  I don't recall being such a brat when I was 8!

[RockRose]

I agree with Nickielea,  and I would also try the "video tape" thing.

Do you have a video camera?  Video feedback is a miraculous tool.  ;D    You can tell her where you're setting it up,  and when,  and then watch it together WITHOUT YOUR COMMENT.  Don't say see there,  look at that what you did.  Just tell her ahead that you want the atmosphere in the house to improve,  and the bickering to stop,  and you'd like to videotape some of the house and then watch it later.  

She'll get it.  Either that or she'll quit bickering so she's not videotaped doing it!

Best wishes.

[SL345]

It might be a stage, or it might persist. It could be helpful to point it out to her away from her complaining (take her out for a soda and tell her there's something you want to discuss with her). It is often amazing to me how people get into habits like this and never even realize they're doing it. Also, point out how it makes you feel when she does it, rather than arguing about the content of it. Ask her if she'd be willing to work on it. Maybe designate a 15 minute time block each day that the Complaint Department is open when she could let it rip. Validate her feelings then rather than arguing about the specifics of each complaint. Part of it may be just venting and discharging stress. When you notice her beginning to do it, say, "It's happening now." Then agree that you will ignore it if she persists because the Complaint Department is closed until___. Maybe she could have a journal where she can write or draw pictures about how's she's feeling. Patience and consistency seems key here.