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Can u help me with my five yr old son?

I have a five year old son that has killed animals with no remorse that has harmed adults and kids in every school he has been in...He did preschool for two yrs and now kindergarten. He self harms.we r told that he wants a new family daily. Recently he vandalized school property and threw a dry erase board at his teacher aides head all bc he was mad... There aren't any triggers for him it's a roller coaster every day for everyone that is around him.
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189897 tn?1441126518
Oh boy, I feel for you.  To have a 5 year old doing this is crazy and so hard on you.  This is a time when the boys normally are doing the exact opposite.  Unfortunately, you don't give a lot of information.  

It sounds like as early as 3 in preschool he was harming other kids?  Wow! and you said there are no triggers?  You have a stable marriage, no other kids, no birth problems?  What tics him off?  Is he sensitive to certain things that irritate him?  How is he doing educationally in kindergarten?  Is he at the level of the other kids?  Does he have friends?  What does he do at recess?  When he gets home, what does he like to do?  Does he talk with you or prefer to just go and watch tv or play video games? What made him mad in the classroom?   I could go on and on.

Take a look at this post.  it is a long one, but watch how the dynamics of the post change as more information is gotten and given.  And some of this may apply to your child.  https://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/8-year-old-step-son-extremely-sensitive/show/3017112

I can give you ways and books to help him control and express his anger. But  I kind of need to figure out if it is anger or emotions, or anxiety that is driving him.

Do take the time to read the posts I mentioned, and get back to us with more information.

He was born with water in both his ears so he couldn't hear so he had to start school at 3 for speech. As of yet the most common denominator for every episode for him is him being told no bc he is very strong willed but he isn't spoiled either. He does have an older brother who is in 7th grade. There is also the factor that mental health problems runs in both my side and his biological fathers side. There are also factors that we have moved around a lot in the past I've had him in and out of counciling. If u need any more info just ask hun I just really need some help but I gotta get around .....
973741 tn?1342342773
I am sorry to read this too. I would guess the years of communication difficulty both with hearing and speaking have contributed to this.  What you describe sounds like conduct disorder and unfortunately, can be a precursor to anti social personality disorder (sociopath).  My suggestion is that you begin seeing a psychologist that specializes in children.  Do not diagnose him yourself or tie family history.  That factors in but only a trained medical professional should ever make that determination of a child.  A psychiatrist would do this in conjunction with a psychologist.  Perhaps a good place to start is with a referral from his pediatrician or general doctor.  I will throw something in here that has to be considered.  Kids with communication issues DO react in different ways. They may hit or whatnot in preschool more often as a reaction to trying to communicate (all be it negatively).  And lots of parents have kids who are wacky in preschool and don't know boundaries with other kids.  Or they react and bite or hit.  He's 5 now, but some kids go to kindergarten not having learned boundaries.  My son has sensory integration disorder and not respecting others space is common.  Touching other kids, other kids things, over reaction, etc.  We did occupational therapy to spoon feed how to be appropriate to him.  

anyway, there is likely something more going on.  It may or may not be mental illness surfacing.  But you need to begin working with someone in case it is as early intervention can make a huge difference!  good luck
He has been diagnosed with conduct and another disorder that is close with conduct but can't remember the name at the moment.  I've had him see a psychologist and a psychiatrist but was told everything was in my head and he was fine. I just don't know where or what to do and am tired of trying and being told the same things that it's all me when I know it's not. Please don't misunderstand I love my boys I'll do anything for them but I feel like I'm failing this one....
Well, conduct disorder is not you.  That's validity to your concerns.  That diagnosis is important!  I would continue the psychological help. And there are good and bad psychologists out there.  Find a better one if the current one you've seen doesn't want to help with your son.  Perhaps, too, a pediatric developmental specialist would be helpful.  They can tell you how his hearing/speech issues have impacted him, if there are any other developmental issues going on like high functioning autism or sensory integration disorder or if it is the beginning of a mental health journey.  I'm crossing my fingers you live in the US.  If you do, most major cities have Children's Hospitals and this is a good place to start.  My son had to be taught what is right and wrong and how to handle his emotions, how to give space to other kids, etc.  We role played, acted out what he could and could not do.  we used pictures sometimes.  We cut out pictures of faces from magazines and put them on a poster.  Then labeled the pictures. the key is to find different expressions.  He may not get facial expression and hence not read well what is going on with others. Teach him!  Also, empathy is something that slowly develops in kids.  This is ALL kids.  My son, one time, I'm sad to admit stomped on a bug all the other kids were watching and loving in an interested way.  My son walked up and stomped on it.  He has sensory integration disorder.  He's not a pathological sociopath. He just didn't fully understand.  Mom doesn't like bugs.  That was a bug. You get rid of them.  The kids screamed at him.  He clearly wasn't in the same headspace they were about the bug. So, I'm just saying, look at what he is doing as something that may not just be mental illness but related to neurological development.  

Oh, and since he has a diagnosis of conduct disorder (is the other oppositional defiant disorder?), what is their plan?  Many kids with this also have adhd and they do prescribe medicine.  Sometimes it's hefty and reaches over into the antipsychotic medications like Risperdal and others.  But it is treated typically.  What do they do with this disorder?  You aren't being told nothing is wrong, they diagnosed him.  
189897 tn?1441126518
Boy, thats weird.  You are told he has conduct disorder and then told its all in your head?  Wow.  I agree with specialmom, you do need to find a psyc that can be more helpful.  Until then let me add a few more things that you can do along with what specialmom has suggested.

"Explosive children lack important cognitive skills. Research done over the last 40 to 50 years tells us that behaviorally challenging kids lack important skills, especially flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. This is why they explode or exhibit challenging behaviors when certain situations demand those skills."   So teaching your child these skills and communication skills are very helpful.  More on how to do that below.    The quotation above is by Dr. Ross Greene who wrote the book, The Explosive Child.  The quote came from an article called, " How to deal with an explosive child".  I think it would be worth your time to read it.  The article can be found here - https://www.additudemag.com/how-to-deal-with-an-explosive-child-tips/
and you can find many other good ideas here - https://www.additudemag.com/category/parenting-adhd-kids/behavior-discipline/oppositional-behavior/

Ok, so one of his triggers is being told no.  There are two parts of this. How he reacts to being told no and how he is told no.  

Teaching him to communicate without going nuts, or teaching him how to control his anger is important.  Look into buying "Cool down and work through anger" or "When I feel angry". This is part of a series of books aimed at 4 to 7 year olds and meant to be read to them at night (several times) and then practiced.  Kids do need to be taught how to deal with anger.  You do not try and use these techniques while he is screaming.  But once he stops or later on in the day - you can refer back to them or pull the books back out.
You can find them here -  http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_5

Along with teaching him ways to communicate his anger, you also need to let him know that how he is communicating is unacceptable.  The standard way is that when he starts a tantrum - he gets a short timeout.  And the timeout does not start until the tantrum stops.  He will go nuts for a while.  Just keep repeating - "as soon as you choose to stop your tantrum, the timeout will start and 2 min later you can ..."   Do not try to reason with him or talk with him while he is yelling.  You are just playing into his hands.  Essentially, the rules for behavior modification are that there must be immediate, short, consistent consequences.   Do not expect overnight miracles.  It has taken him awhile to get to this point and it will take a while to relearn control

Saying no.  Its how and when you say no.  Check out numbers 8 and 10 in the link below.  This link and the first links mentioned above are ideas used for kids with ADHD.  I obviously have no clue if your child has that based on the info you have given so far.  However, the techniques used with ADHD kids are very effective.  So check out 8 and 10 here - https://www.additudemag.com/behavior-punishment-parenting-child-with-adhd/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=best_november_2017&utm_content=110317&utm_source=ADDitude+Master+List&utm_campaign=58746ba2e3-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2017_11_02&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_d9446392d6-58746ba2e3-288295765&mc_cid=58746ba2e3&mc_eid=34d357d554

Finally, make sure that his school knows of his conduct disorder diagnosis.  Get help from the schools special ed department.  If you can get an evaluation from the schools psychologist (or was that where you got the first diagnosis?) then you can get an IEP or 504 plan which will help with his conduct at school.

All  of this stuff will take time for you to absorb.  Don't try and do it all at once.   Hopefully this helps.  Feel free to ask more questions and give more info.  The more you can tell us, the more we can help.  Best wishes.
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