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Child doesn't want to go inside the classroom
I have a grade five student who doesn't want to go inside the classroom. When i talked to her, she's always saying that she missed he "grandma", "i want grandma here", "i don't want mama to go", "i want to spend time with mama" and the likes. it seems that she is very much attached with her grandma. Though she is aware of the consequencies of here actions, she still chooses not to go inside the classroom. The parents are working outside the country but consistently calls everyday to check on their child. There was also one time where in the child, the mother, and the father were togoether in my office and the father really imposed authority. The child could only agree on what the father says. But when it's time for her to go inside the classroom already, the child still express that she doesn't want to go inside. Continually bargains and consistently delaying the act of going inside the classroom. My question is, how can the teachers and the guidance counselors in school be of help to make this child go inside the classroom and what can be done at home in order for the child to have a change in behavior?
Thank you Sandeman for that.... Harmond what he has posted above is the way to go, good Luck.... let us know the follow up.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Boy, are you between a rock and a hard place here. One reason I keep asking about the nationality is that in my experience (about 39 years in education) some ethnic groups don't believe in getting psychological help. It sounds like she needs it, and you are not going to get their permission. You let her stay at home and you could have very upset parents - or they may not give a damn. It is certainly easier on you guys to let her stay at home and pass her on to the next level. But is it helping her? I completely realize the limitations you have and I feel for you. Your choices apparently are let her stay at home or slowly try and pull her back into the classroom. Frankly I would force the issue - do you have a School Attendance Review Board? to make the parents deal with reality. Instead of spending hours trying to get her inside, let her go home and then file the appropriate legal papers for being absent and see if you can get her some help.
It is not a case of trying to be helpfulit is our opinion , it is obvious to me and especially if you have a gut feeling you advise that the family of this child seek help as I said.I do not happen to think that all problems children have are laid at the door of 'anxiety' either way you tell them they need some expert advice ..Good luck
Is it okay to just make her stop going to school and rest than to force her to goto shool??? -- your question
No. I have attended several discussions and workshops on anxiety led by several experts in this area. All say - no, one must face one's fears. Each time the fear is faced, the fear is a bit less (although it might not seem to be that way). This is called "desensitization" and often used in dealing with anxiety issues as flying in a plane. Ignoring the fear (or not going to school) only increases the fear and makes recovery more and more difficult.
The fact your child is "frozen" and won't move is a major indicator of severe anxiety. Removing the grandmother slowly from the classroom is an excellent idea, but to do it properly could take over one year (anxiety issues are very treatable but the duration is usually years, not weeks or months). Inviting her teacher to your home is also an excellent idea but, as I said before, it would take many, many visits before your daughter would feel comfortable with her.
Go back and reread my first posting. That is what you need to do. I realize the other posters are trying to be helpful, but if anxiety is the issue (and both you and I are very suspicious this is the problem), then the answer is there. Anxiety is not the same as being nervous - it is a debilitating medical/mental condition; one that requires medical intervention. One more thing, if anxiety is the issue, your child will not outgrow this nor will it go away. I might suggest one more phrase to google "school refusal" to find additional help. Please call your doctor - and write if you feel that I might be of more help.
No. I have attended several discussions and workshops on anxiety led by several experts in this area. All say - no, one must face one's fears. Each time the fear is faced, the fear is a bit less (although it might not seem to be that way). This is called "desensitization" and often used in dealing with anxiety issues as flying in a plane. Ignoring the fear (or not going to school) only increases the fear and makes recovery more and more difficult.
The fact your child is "frozen" and won't move is a major indicator of severe anxiety. Removing the grandmother slowly from the classroom is an excellent idea, but to do it properly could take over one year (anxiety issues are very treatable but the duration is usually years, not weeks or months). Inviting her teacher to your home is also an excellent idea but, as I said before, it would take many, many visits before your daughter would feel comfortable with her.
Go back and reread my first posting. That is what you need to do. I realize the other posters are trying to be helpful, but if anxiety is the issue (and both you and I are very suspicious this is the problem), then the answer is there. Anxiety is not the same as being nervous - it is a debilitating medical/mental condition; one that requires medical intervention. One more thing, if anxiety is the issue, your child will not outgrow this nor will it go away. I might suggest one more phrase to google "school refusal" to find additional help. Please call your doctor - and write if you feel that I might be of more help.
i have already suspected about separation anxiety since it was the first time for her and her grandma to be separated for three days. Her grandma is back now and she still doesn't want to go inside the classroom. I have already suggested to get the grandma out of the picture slowly and for them to start it at home. She has 2 best friends inside the classroom and some friends (10 the most). Another problem here is that she just won't move an inch when we start telling her to goto the classroom. We even brought her favorite teacher to help us out but of no avail. I also gathered some information and i found out that she is also acting the same way as she was in 3rd grade. The teachers told me that they didn't mind her being absent and would still accept her inside the classroom. However, the situation has changed. From the time of drop off from the car the child won't move. we even have to wait and talk for quite some time before she even move. She's already missing a lot of subjects and has committed a lot of absences. Is it okay to just make her stop going to school and rest than to force her to goto shool???
thanks a lot you guys you're really helping me out here.
thanks a lot you guys you're really helping me out here.
COMMUNITY LEADER
The fact that she has been at your school since 1st grade and apparently had no trouble till now suggests that something has changed to cause this problem. Or something has changed to cause the anxiety.
The first question would be how long have both parents been working out of the country? Did this fear start happening soon after they left?
The reason I asked about lunch was that I was trying to figure out if she had any friends that could help her overcome this. I did not expect to hear that she was eating with granma everyday! Thats kind of weird. In fact, to me, it is really different for a 5th grader to be doing this! I can understand your concern.
You definitely want to get the grandma involved for two reasons. One, she may be able to give you more info on the child. TWO (and the big one here), you gotta (gently) start easing her out of the picture. One day a week she needs to come up with an excuse why she can't show up for lunch (and then go to two days, etc). Along with this, you need some of the other kids in class to make sure the girl has some one to eat with. It would be best if this is not a surprise to the girl. If grandma refuses (then I think you will know where a lot of the problem is coming from), you need to convince grandma that this is best for her granddaughter, and if that doesn't work then its time to play hardball. You do this with kindergarten/first grade parents all the time.
I would check on her academics to see how she is doing. If she is really struggling, that cause cause the anxiety. I doubt that grandma is doing much at home to help with school.
It may take some trial and error to figure this out. Getting her involved with kids of her own age is huge. She has got to have friends if she has been there since 1st grade. (if not, then that's also a big part of the problem). I assume you have gotten her 4th grade teacher involved in the discussions. Have you spoken with her other teachers from prior years. Is this an ongoing pattern? It would make a huge difference to me in how I would treat the situation.
Just from the dad's response I am guessing she is Oriental? is she very timid and shy? How are her language skills? Think about getting some of the other 5th graders to help her out (appoint a "big sister").
Hope this helps. Keep us posted - I've got a few other things on my mind that could help. In summary: start with grandma, get her involved with other girls, check out the academics and language. Research with prior teachers.
The first question would be how long have both parents been working out of the country? Did this fear start happening soon after they left?
The reason I asked about lunch was that I was trying to figure out if she had any friends that could help her overcome this. I did not expect to hear that she was eating with granma everyday! Thats kind of weird. In fact, to me, it is really different for a 5th grader to be doing this! I can understand your concern.
You definitely want to get the grandma involved for two reasons. One, she may be able to give you more info on the child. TWO (and the big one here), you gotta (gently) start easing her out of the picture. One day a week she needs to come up with an excuse why she can't show up for lunch (and then go to two days, etc). Along with this, you need some of the other kids in class to make sure the girl has some one to eat with. It would be best if this is not a surprise to the girl. If grandma refuses (then I think you will know where a lot of the problem is coming from), you need to convince grandma that this is best for her granddaughter, and if that doesn't work then its time to play hardball. You do this with kindergarten/first grade parents all the time.
I would check on her academics to see how she is doing. If she is really struggling, that cause cause the anxiety. I doubt that grandma is doing much at home to help with school.
It may take some trial and error to figure this out. Getting her involved with kids of her own age is huge. She has got to have friends if she has been there since 1st grade. (if not, then that's also a big part of the problem). I assume you have gotten her 4th grade teacher involved in the discussions. Have you spoken with her other teachers from prior years. Is this an ongoing pattern? It would make a huge difference to me in how I would treat the situation.
Just from the dad's response I am guessing she is Oriental? is she very timid and shy? How are her language skills? Think about getting some of the other 5th graders to help her out (appoint a "big sister").
Hope this helps. Keep us posted - I've got a few other things on my mind that could help. In summary: start with grandma, get her involved with other girls, check out the academics and language. Research with prior teachers.
I think some counselling is called for here ,reading your post it sounds like she is afraid of someone in the class room , how do the other children behave towards her,has she any friends , what does he granma say has she any ideas maybe she is the one to talk to the child for more information.How about the Teacher could there be a clash there?
Can this be just a case of a child too lazy to goto school??? -- your words
No -- my answer. As I stated before, you are dealing with anxiety - probably separation and/or social anxiety.
No -- my answer. As I stated before, you are dealing with anxiety - probably separation and/or social anxiety.
she was in our school since she was in 1st grade... she eats her lunch with her guardian (grandma).
We asked her if there was somebody whom she's afraid of inside the classroom and she consistently says that there's no one inside the classroom that she's afraid of. She just keeps on repeating that she just wants to be with her mama (grandma). Though there was one case of bullying inside the classroom, that case was already solved. I have talked to the one who's bullying her and they also confronted each other. Both of them are fine now. I even referred her to the guidance counselors, and they too have had a hard time making her go inside the classroom.
Can this be just a case of a child too lazy to goto school???
we already referred her to a specialist and currently we are just waiting for the result.
thank you for all the comments and suggestions. I really appreciate it.
We asked her if there was somebody whom she's afraid of inside the classroom and she consistently says that there's no one inside the classroom that she's afraid of. She just keeps on repeating that she just wants to be with her mama (grandma). Though there was one case of bullying inside the classroom, that case was already solved. I have talked to the one who's bullying her and they also confronted each other. Both of them are fine now. I even referred her to the guidance counselors, and they too have had a hard time making her go inside the classroom.
Can this be just a case of a child too lazy to goto school???
we already referred her to a specialist and currently we are just waiting for the result.
thank you for all the comments and suggestions. I really appreciate it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Was she in your school in fourth grade? - and if not, how long has she been attending your school? Is her English ok (both conversational and written)? Does she eat lunch with other kids or does she sit alone?
Maybe there is something in the classroom causing her fear or anxiety whatever may be the case. Kids teasing, picking on her, being mean. Or something like that. And she may have problems dealing with how she feels, or how to explain it. When I was young, and even still I find that some subjects I just can't seem to say how I feel, or feel embarrassed or afraid of the person I am talking to reaction. Even to this day sometimes I will write a note or e-mail instead of actually speaking. Perhaps have her write down how she feels about the classroom....and what feelings and thoughts she has. And let her know that she will not be in trouble no matter what she writes. And that you will keep it safe, ie the class won't know etc. Or even drawing pictures too may help. But yes, there is definitely something going on, especially at her age that needs to be addressed. Perhaps a counselor or psychiatrist that can be a safe confidant that isn't in her day to day life. Example if the problem is say with her father....she may not be saying anything out of fear that he will be told, and there will be repercussions.
thank you for the suggestion... i might just do as well... Anyway, the following day i foun out that she destroyed her uniform so that she will have a reason not to goto school. I also had a talk with the mom and later that afternoon, the child expressed that she wants to goto school. However, the following when i visited her classroom, she was not there. hmmm.... again Thanks for your suggestion...
I suspect you are dealing with anxiety - not sure exactly which one of the disorders although the precise "name" is not that relevant. I might suggest you google the phrase "childhood anxiety disorders" or "anxiety and school" or similar words/phrases to learn more about this issue. I suspect there are other places this child will not enter without the comfort of parents or a trusted person. To put it bluntly, I suspect this child is very, very afraid of entering the classroom - a totally unfounded fear and one which, I doubt, she is able to explain why or understand. This is anxiety - a disease of the nervous system - an issue which has mental, emotional and physical components. And the way to help a child learn to manage his/her fears is through intervention, therapy and sometimes medication.
If anxiety is the issue, there are ways to "desensitize her fear" although it might be wise to consult a professional for advice and assistance. The family doctor might be able to refer this child to a medical specialist as a child neurologist or child psychiatrist. By the way, if anxiety is the issue, then it is the "anxiety" which controls the behaviour, not the child, and the first thing is always "to lessen the anxiety" which is very difficult to do without professional guidance. If this child is already in Grade 5, then it would appear to me that this problem cannot be solved by the parents and/or school and professional medical help should be sought. I wish you the best ....
If anxiety is the issue, there are ways to "desensitize her fear" although it might be wise to consult a professional for advice and assistance. The family doctor might be able to refer this child to a medical specialist as a child neurologist or child psychiatrist. By the way, if anxiety is the issue, then it is the "anxiety" which controls the behaviour, not the child, and the first thing is always "to lessen the anxiety" which is very difficult to do without professional guidance. If this child is already in Grade 5, then it would appear to me that this problem cannot be solved by the parents and/or school and professional medical help should be sought. I wish you the best ....
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