Contrary 3 1/2 Year Old

[ddwilson]

My 3 1/2 year old little boy has become very contrary.  It's a "yes" then "no" reaction to everything.  It ranges from new experiences to old habits that we've been doing for so long it's almost automatic.  For example, we always give him a hug & kiss goodnight.  I will go to give him his hug/kiss & he will say "No, I don't want a hug, kiss."  So I will get up to leave room & he will start screaming that he wants a hug/kiss.  I will go back to give him a hug/kiss, & he will begin again with the "No...."  This can go on for hours.  In the store, I'll let him pick out a toy, halfway through the store he doesn't want the toy.  If I put it back on the shelf-tantrum, if I give it back to him-he doesn't want it.  I've tried following through when he says no to anything, hoping that he will begin to realize consequence.  There are Huge tantrums & he is so enraged that he will not listen to me try to explain that when he says something he needs to mean it.  I am very frustrated.  I've begun to dread when he asks for anything (milk....because the minute I pour it, he will want juice & the end of the world will begin again for the day).  He is an only child, he practically devours our attention all of the time.  So it's not as if he has anything he is competing with.  Discipline on my part is not what it should be & I would say I have spoiled him as far as doing things he is quite capable of doing for himself-i.e. going to get his favorite blanket.  I do not understand the motive for his contrary/disagreeable behavior, nor the correct discipline for it.  I am very tired of trying to rationalize with him, it feels to me more of a game for him & he does it simply because it is amusing.  But I don't know how to deal with it.  It just compounds the other problems-defiance, ignoring us, telling us no he will not do it, tantrums, not staying in timeout.  He's recently begun to say he's "sick/hurt" whenever he's sent to his bedroom as punishment, then proceeding with making himself cough & telling us he can't breath (sometimes to the point where I am scared he will truly make himself sick).  Please help.  Like I said, he is my first/only child & none of this was written about in that puppy dog tails piece.  Everyone who tells me these are the best years-I secretly think they are senile & have forgotten the constant struggle it feels like to me.  Thank you for any advice you can give.  Sincerely, Desiree

[callensberg]

It will pass.   They are just learning consequences, but  they don't totally understand them.  Don't make your consequences too dire or some thing that backs you and the child into a corner.  I do a little negotiating but try to remain firm enough.  For example,  I wanted him to eat something healthy before he got his yogurt.  He refused what I gave him.  We had a stand off with lots of tears.  I told him to pick something else healthy, and gave him a few other choices.  He picked some thing else healthy, and we had a win win.

[specialmom]

I agree.  My second son who is now 4 did this with such glee.  He doesn't do it anymore, thank goodness.  I always stayed really calm and remembered that I am the adult.  At bedtime, don't ask just give him the hug and kiss and leave.  If he pushes you away, don't react or say anything.  Just leave the room.  If he carries on, gently say it is time for bed and try to ignore the behavior.  The less you react, the better.  And at a store, if my kids throw any tantrum of any sort (I have a 4 year old and a 5 year old with a developmental delay . . .so I've been there)-----  we leave.  Even if I'm not done shopping or they are screaming.  We walk out the door.  That has worked for me in that all I say now is if we throw a fit, we have to leave.  They know I mean it and we rarely have a problem.  We also use this phrase "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".  My kids say it to each other and others and it helps when things are out of their control.  Don't react to the crying and stuff during time out.  When he is a  year older, you can tell him that the time out starts AFTER he calms down.  Use choices whenever possible and sometimes you can make one choice more desirable than another if need be.  

They are good years but they are hard.  Every new phase brings something else.  What I think is so hard about the toddler years is that it is very physical so you are tired physically.  I've heard that the teen age years are more exhausting mentally.  I'm still in the little kid years so I don't know.  But I am an old mom (in my 40's) that feels so luck to have these little guys-----  that I try to remember how blessed I am even on the bad days!  Good friends going through the same thing are a blessing to vent to!  Good luck!

[angelinamarina]

Well, my daughter went through that stage.  I used to get so angry.  I think it is a normal developmental stage though....asserting his independence and enjoying making you do stuff.

He sounds like a smart little guy.  it will pass!