Aa
Discipline/Behavior
My 4 year old has been acting out at school and his teacher thought it was ADD. Now the teacher thinks that it's RAD but my son lives with myself and his father. We're a little confused as to how to teach my son to stop what he is doing. He is asking questions at the wrong time, throwing temper tantrums, whining like a baby, not listening to his peers, manipulates the conversation, changes subjects when asked a direct questions, is clingy at inappropriate times, lies about the obvious, doesn't take responsiblity for his actions, and requires several redirects to get his attention. Is the characteristics of RAD? My husband and I are at our wits end and are afraid of what will happen down the road. What can we do? We've already taken away almost everything that he has, except his favorite dinosaur, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sorry, I took so long in getting back to you.
Remember back in my first post when I said, "I think your teacher is clutching at straws in the wind." I do get the feeling in more so that she is not real experienced in dealing with kids. If he is the oldest in his class - sounds like he is - he may be the one who is doing a bit of manipulating, and she hasn't learned how to deal with it. However, I am not at his school to see what is going on.
That's my first thought. You really ought to visit the school and see if he is different at school then at home. And actually if he is worse at school, that is a good thing. Just keep in mind that you can not punish him for what he does at school. Behavioral change to be effective has to be immediate (as well as constant). What you can do is work on things at home that will carry over to school.
Like - not interrupting, temper problems, whinning, etc. One good way to do this is to invest (they are cheap) in a series of books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd. Believe it or not, kids really do need to learn how to deal with temper, frustration, etc. A good start might be, "Cool down and work through anger." found here - http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_5
And if you scroll down you will find a bunch more of highly appropriate books. These are books that you want to read to him at night and then practice them during the day. They will give him a vocabulary that he can use and other methods to deal with disappointment.
Oh, the silent treatment really does work. You just have to be willing to let them scream. They will stop, but it will take a while. I know this from personal experience
Don't worry about him thinking, "it's a joke and "fake cries" and tries to speak to us. When we're not answering him, he turns around in his chair and pouts." He is trying to change his situation. Remember to be consistent, be immediate (and not too long). He will get the message. It just won't happen overnight.
My last thought in re- reading through your posts - is that he is doing some things that bother me because they could be defensive measures for someone who does have ADD. I really can't tell from the info, because they are several other things like maturity that will cause the same thing. However, I am including a link to a pretty good site on AD/ADHD so you can take a look at the symptoms. If those cause you concern, please get back to me - perhaps on the ADHD forum. The site is here - http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm
Hope this helps. Best wishes and don't hesitate to get back to us with any questions.
Remember back in my first post when I said, "I think your teacher is clutching at straws in the wind." I do get the feeling in more so that she is not real experienced in dealing with kids. If he is the oldest in his class - sounds like he is - he may be the one who is doing a bit of manipulating, and she hasn't learned how to deal with it. However, I am not at his school to see what is going on.
That's my first thought. You really ought to visit the school and see if he is different at school then at home. And actually if he is worse at school, that is a good thing. Just keep in mind that you can not punish him for what he does at school. Behavioral change to be effective has to be immediate (as well as constant). What you can do is work on things at home that will carry over to school.
Like - not interrupting, temper problems, whinning, etc. One good way to do this is to invest (they are cheap) in a series of books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd. Believe it or not, kids really do need to learn how to deal with temper, frustration, etc. A good start might be, "Cool down and work through anger." found here - http://www.amazon.com/Cool-Through-Anger-Learning-Along/dp/1575423464/ref=pd_sim_b_5
And if you scroll down you will find a bunch more of highly appropriate books. These are books that you want to read to him at night and then practice them during the day. They will give him a vocabulary that he can use and other methods to deal with disappointment.
Oh, the silent treatment really does work. You just have to be willing to let them scream. They will stop, but it will take a while. I know this from personal experience
Don't worry about him thinking, "it's a joke and "fake cries" and tries to speak to us. When we're not answering him, he turns around in his chair and pouts." He is trying to change his situation. Remember to be consistent, be immediate (and not too long). He will get the message. It just won't happen overnight.
My last thought in re- reading through your posts - is that he is doing some things that bother me because they could be defensive measures for someone who does have ADD. I really can't tell from the info, because they are several other things like maturity that will cause the same thing. However, I am including a link to a pretty good site on AD/ADHD so you can take a look at the symptoms. If those cause you concern, please get back to me - perhaps on the ADHD forum. The site is here - http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm
Hope this helps. Best wishes and don't hesitate to get back to us with any questions.
Yes, my son will start kindergarten in June 2013.As for his teacher, she is somewhat young but seems to be experienced. Thank you for the advice from all of you and from allmymarbles about the silent treatment. My son really does hate that. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you!
My treatment for tantrums is silence. Read a book, or leave the room. Plug your ears if he is too loud. No punishment. No reward. Just ignore him. He uses bad behavior to get your attention. Don't give it to him. He uses bad behavior to manipulate you. Don't let him. When he behaves, treat him as the loving mother that you are. Your son's behavior makes him as unhappy as it does you, something that is hard to remember.
You and your son will have a bad couple of weeks, but after that things should get better, at least in terms of tantrums.
You and your son will have a bad couple of weeks, but after that things should get better, at least in terms of tantrums.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, thank you for your reply. It really does change everything. But let me make sure I understand you. He will still be in preschool this coming school year - from Sept 2112 to June 2013. In June 2013 he will go to kindergarten. The reason this is important (from my own experience as an elementary school principal) is that he has gone from what I thought was the youngest kid in his class to probably the oldest or one of the oldest - and that makes a huge difference. So I really want to make sure of this before I go on as the advice changes completely.
And in regards to his teacher - how would you rate her experience level? And you really can't go to much by age here (although a very young teacher is kind of automatically less experienced). Any idea how long she has been in the classroom?
I will get back to you, but I do think that specialmoms point about following your motherly instincts is good.
And in regards to his teacher - how would you rate her experience level? And you really can't go to much by age here (although a very young teacher is kind of automatically less experienced). Any idea how long she has been in the classroom?
I will get back to you, but I do think that specialmoms point about following your motherly instincts is good.
Ya know, it was at my son's preschool that it was offered to have a therapist come in and observe my child. I don't think teachers should diagnose a cihld and really they aren't . . . they are just telling you what they think. Only an evaluation process and an expert in the field can give a diagnosis.
I agreed to have my child observed by the therapist. I really didn't love the idea of something being 'wrong' with my beloved baby boy. But frankly, an experienced teacher that spent time with many kids recommended that i did. He was different than other kids. Now it would have been one thing if he could care less about having friends or getting in trouble, but my boy was sad. He didn't feel good being different than his peers. Very motivating to me to get to the bottom of what was going on. He turned out to have sensory integration disorder and for us . . . knowing THAT changed everything. I knew what to do to help him. His teachers knew why he had some of the behaviors he had and were given instruction and a guide to help them make it better. and guess what------------ that improved things dramatically.
So, don't discount a teacher's recommendations for what to look into. It doesn't mean they know for sure or that they are diagnosing them, they are just saying other kids with that disorder act the same way. Look into it.
I just say that as doing what is best for your child is a parents job. You will ultimately make the choice to pursue an evaluation or not, do intervention or not, and how to handle any behavior issues. This is your child and you are his advocate. I'm sure that you deep down only what to do what is best for your child and you will figure out what steps to take to do that, I'm sure. Keep an open mind and follow your motherly instincts. Peace
I agreed to have my child observed by the therapist. I really didn't love the idea of something being 'wrong' with my beloved baby boy. But frankly, an experienced teacher that spent time with many kids recommended that i did. He was different than other kids. Now it would have been one thing if he could care less about having friends or getting in trouble, but my boy was sad. He didn't feel good being different than his peers. Very motivating to me to get to the bottom of what was going on. He turned out to have sensory integration disorder and for us . . . knowing THAT changed everything. I knew what to do to help him. His teachers knew why he had some of the behaviors he had and were given instruction and a guide to help them make it better. and guess what------------ that improved things dramatically.
So, don't discount a teacher's recommendations for what to look into. It doesn't mean they know for sure or that they are diagnosing them, they are just saying other kids with that disorder act the same way. Look into it.
I just say that as doing what is best for your child is a parents job. You will ultimately make the choice to pursue an evaluation or not, do intervention or not, and how to handle any behavior issues. This is your child and you are his advocate. I'm sure that you deep down only what to do what is best for your child and you will figure out what steps to take to do that, I'm sure. Keep an open mind and follow your motherly instincts. Peace
My son will be 5 next February and I plan on putting him in Kindergarten that following September. Basically at school he is asking questions at the wrong time, throwing temper tantrums, whining like a baby, not listening to his peers, manipulates the conversation, changes subjects when asked a direct questions, is clingy at inappropriate times, lies about the obvious, doesn't take responsiblity for his actions, and requires several redirects to get his attention. The more we've really been looking into this, the more we realize he does this at home at well. We have started putting him in a corner as a timeout punishment but he thinks it's a joke and "fake cries" and tries to speak to us. When we're not answering him, he turns around in his chair and pouts. I agree with "allmymarbles" about the teacher and am not sure how to go about telling her to stop diagnosis my child. Thank you for all your help. I greatly appreciate it and would love to hear more about what we can do.
I react very badly to teachers who impose diagnoses on children. If I remember correctly they are supposed to be teachers, not psychologists. This is a four-year-old child. Whence the urge to put a bunch of letters after his name as though they signified academic achievements..
He should be getting over his tantrums. That is a common problem usually handled by the parents. Your son is very young. He needs firm but gentle discipline and the chance to grow up.
He should be getting over his tantrums. That is a common problem usually handled by the parents. Your son is very young. He needs firm but gentle discipline and the chance to grow up.
COMMUNITY LEADER
One other thought. Is this the same preschool that your son has been going to all along? Did they mention any problems like this last year? How long have you been dealing with these problems.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, oh. You had better check the kindergarten cutoff dates. As far as I can tell no school in the United States will allow a child to enter with a Feb. birthdate. And this is for a good reason. He would be an extremely young child. Most states say you must be 5 by Sept. If you are thinking of going a private school route, please rethink this. He is way too young and his youth will be a definite disadvantage for all of his school career. And if you think he is having problems now - it will get worse.
Also, if most of his peers are going into kindergarten, then he may well be the youngest child in his preschool class (ask the teacher) and this could explain at least some of his problems at school- if not most of the problems.
What I am not sure about is exactly what kinds of problems are happening where? It really makes a huge difference. If most of his problems are happening at school, then it makes everything that you are trying to do a huge mistake. At this age you can not change behavior by punishing them for something that happened hours earlier. It really only makes the matter worse.
So, if you don't mind taking the time. Could you tell us what is going wrong at school and what is happening at home. Also am I correct in thinking that he would be starting kindergarten as a 4 year old?
In answer to your other question - I agree with specialmom, give the toys back. He is too young to grasp the concept of earning something back - unless it is extremely immediate. When he does misbehave you want to use timeouts or natural consequences (as specialmom suggested). But keep in mind that to change behavior your action must be immediate (which is why punishing him for actions at school won't work), consistent, and short. A really good book that uses natural consequences is love and logic by Fay and Cline.
And I can give you some ways to help him at school, but I need to know what is going on there. So please get back to us.
Also, if most of his peers are going into kindergarten, then he may well be the youngest child in his preschool class (ask the teacher) and this could explain at least some of his problems at school- if not most of the problems.
What I am not sure about is exactly what kinds of problems are happening where? It really makes a huge difference. If most of his problems are happening at school, then it makes everything that you are trying to do a huge mistake. At this age you can not change behavior by punishing them for something that happened hours earlier. It really only makes the matter worse.
So, if you don't mind taking the time. Could you tell us what is going wrong at school and what is happening at home. Also am I correct in thinking that he would be starting kindergarten as a 4 year old?
In answer to your other question - I agree with specialmom, give the toys back. He is too young to grasp the concept of earning something back - unless it is extremely immediate. When he does misbehave you want to use timeouts or natural consequences (as specialmom suggested). But keep in mind that to change behavior your action must be immediate (which is why punishing him for actions at school won't work), consistent, and short. A really good book that uses natural consequences is love and logic by Fay and Cline.
And I can give you some ways to help him at school, but I need to know what is going on there. So please get back to us.
A good thing to do with a boy this age is to have him earn a bean to put in a jar and when he gets to a certain number, he gets to pick an activity to do of his choice. Good deeds and behavior earn the beans. We also used coins to put in a piggy bank. amazing what a penny could motivate my boys to do.
Also, I'd go ahead and give him all of his toys back. If you go the route of taking something for a consequence, you can't take everything. You think of that one item that will make an impact. for my sons, it was a blankie for one and his pillow for another. To lose those hurt. That was my ticket to their understanding they must listen to have good things in their life.
I did have natural (and do now) consequences. Throw a toy, the toy is mine for a while.
But with 4 year olds, the time frame can't be really long.
good luck. It is challenging work being a parent. Peace
Also, I'd go ahead and give him all of his toys back. If you go the route of taking something for a consequence, you can't take everything. You think of that one item that will make an impact. for my sons, it was a blankie for one and his pillow for another. To lose those hurt. That was my ticket to their understanding they must listen to have good things in their life.
I did have natural (and do now) consequences. Throw a toy, the toy is mine for a while.
But with 4 year olds, the time frame can't be really long.
good luck. It is challenging work being a parent. Peace
It sounds as if he trying to get more attention,I also think there is too much focus on punishment ,focus on his positive side and praise him when you see him doing something right..He may also as you get further along hear much about a new baby and a lot of children do feel jealous of a new sibling ..
My son is actually in a daycare that he has been in since he was 3 months old. His birthday is in February 2008 so he is will be starting kindergarten next year. I am currently 4 months pregnant and am due in December. So, should I go ahead and give him all his toys back or have him earn them back? I've also cut all TV time for him. Is this also a bad thing? I would really appreciate any advise and help that you can suggest to me. I really don't like felling that I'm a failure because I can't control my sons behavior.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Really good point by Margy as we see this a lot. Do you have younger kids and how old are they?
I agree with sandman this is typical 4 year old behavior and most ask questions non stop ..whine and throw tantrums .Have you had any addition to the family as often behavior gets worse when a sibling arrives and older child feels left out .?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think your teacher is clutching at straws in the wind (is she kind of new to the profession?). Those are not characteristics of ADD (possibly a few are ADHD) and certainly not RAD. Check out RAD here -
http://en.wikipedia.o/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder
Taking away everything is not the way to change behavior. It will never work. Essentially, behavior modification has to be immediate, consistent, and length is according to age. You are violating all of the rules. Not your fault.
We can certainly help you with good workable resources to help you.
But first. You say he is in school. I take it some kind of pre-school? When is his birthday? Are you in the US? I ask because this is summer now and most kids are not in school.
The good news is that this sounds pretty much like a lot of typical 4 year old behavior we see on this site - so I think we can help. Please get back to us.
http://en.wikipedia.o/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder
Taking away everything is not the way to change behavior. It will never work. Essentially, behavior modification has to be immediate, consistent, and length is according to age. You are violating all of the rules. Not your fault.
We can certainly help you with good workable resources to help you.
But first. You say he is in school. I take it some kind of pre-school? When is his birthday? Are you in the US? I ask because this is summer now and most kids are not in school.
The good news is that this sounds pretty much like a lot of typical 4 year old behavior we see on this site - so I think we can help. Please get back to us.
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