worried, please help

[joyfred10]

my son has some major anger issues. When we try to talk about things that have happened, he always gets defensive and thinks that we are blaming everthing on him. He will say things like, "just get a knife and kill me". He is seeing a theropist and is on medication for ADHD and he has high functioning aspergers. I was just wondering if anyone else has experience things like this, or have any advice. After the anger calms down he will say that he doesn't really mean that he wants to kill himself. Is he just manipulating me?

[specialmom]

Ha, I just read my above post and I was a little out of it when I wrote that apparently.  I apologize for all mistakes in grammar and thought.  It had been a long day.  Good luck with your child!

[Sandman2]

   I love specialmoms idea of turns.  It's something that is simple and can be practiced at home.  The book I recommended has quite a long section on Social Skills, I think that you will find it extremely helpful.  Good luck and thanks for the added feedback!

[specialmom]

My dear boy is 6.  He has said such things before.  When he does, I've stopped and caught my breath.  Not because I think he is suicidal but because he feels that that bad about himself for that moment at such a young age.  Kids that suffer from something that makes them feel different (and in my case, no matter HOW hard I try to not make him feel that way)-------  tend to suffer inside.  They never feel quite right in their own skin.  Yes, there is that moment of grabbing attention by saying something inflammatory like this . . . but it is also a sign to watch your child for things like depression and anxiety.  And overall, work on keeping his self esteem high. That is my goal with my child anyway.  

My boy at 6 has the same issue with friends.  So far, he keeps them but younger kids are a lot more forgiving of each other.  I worry about him in the future.  Things like cub scouts/boy scouts are a really good organization for kids that are a little "outside the box".  We did a social skills camp for our son run through a large occupational therapy office.  They have them for different age groups.  Also, children's hospitals will often have programs for add/adhd kids and families as well as aspergers where socializing is a big focus.  Our school counselor sent home information (to all families at our school) about another organization running summer skills classes for all ages on socializing.  We have "friends groups" at our school run through the counselor.  My point is that you shouldn't feel alone.  Many kids need extra help with friends.  Talk to the school counselor and see what ideas they might have in your area.  Cal OT offices and ask if they know of everything.  Remember, a child with a challenge often appears inflexible because they are just trying to cope.  So find ways for him to cope and still "be a good friend."  Our son does best with the idea of turns.  He gets things his way for the first turn, friend gets it their way for the second.  My son seems to cope with that idea alright.  
Sandman always has excellent advice.  I wish you and your son the best of luck!

[joyfred10]

Thanks for you post, Sandman2. My son is 10 and was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at age 7ish. He has been a high spirited child from day one. He is the baby to 3 older sibs, 30, 27 and 22. He is an uncle to 4 little ones and dosen't care much to be around them. He has learned to deal pretty well in school but still gets pretty out of sorts here at home. One of my big concerns right now is with him and his friends. He has a hard time keeping them for long because he wants to have control of what goes on and he gets annoyed so easily. I talk till I'm blue trying to explain to him how to be a good friend. I will get and read the book you recommended. Thanks so much.

[Sandman2]

  It would be helpful to know how old he is and how long he has been diagnosed with ADHD.
  Short answer is that with ADHD you go through a period of time (before it is diagnosed), when people are on your case all the time.  That constant being blamed can really get to a child.  As Susan Ashley says in "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," - "being repeatedly told to stop moving, stop interrupting, or stop talking so much leads the child to feel as if he is always doing something wrong.  This, of course, leads to lower self-esteem." and being on the defensive.  She also notes that aspergers will lead to a lack of empathy and they are unable to understand how other people feel.  All of this, I think, would logically explain his actions.  You might want to pick up the book I mentioned as there is a lot of good info on what to expect and how to deal with it.
  To answer your question, he could be doing some manipulating, but I would need some more information.  His actions I would expect given his condition.  Hopefully, you have had training on how to work with an ADHD child - it really is very different than with a child without ADHD.  Once again the book I mentioned gives lots of good ideas.
  If he has only recently been diagnosed (and you have only recently changed your parenting style to fit his condition), it will take him awhile to realize that he is not now being blamed for everything.  Of course, he could still be having this problem at school.  The older he is - the sooner this realization should sink in.  Remember he has basically gotten a "learned behavior", it will not go away overnight.  
  I am glad to see that he is seeing a therapist.  Medication alone really doesn't solve the problem (as you are finding out).  I would think that the therapist could also give you some ideas on how to "talk about things", without him going crazy.  Also its very important to give him the tools to be able to respond to other people.  Practice with him how to respond when people are blaming him.  Hopefully, you do use "I statements".
  Thanks for posting, you have a valid concern and your son has a very valid need.