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How do I move forward?

I have been scouring the internet for hours now to find help. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years. He has a 15 year old son. His son goes back and forth spending 1 week with his mother and 1 week with his father. When he first started school, I seemed to have been the only one making sure he did his homework, just like my own 3 kids. He had good grades and passed all his classes. That stopped when he reached high school. At that time, his dad didn't feel it was necessary to keep an eye on him. That's when I noticed he wasn't doing his homework and was putting minimal effort in school. Not my problem? Well when my own kids see that he's getting away with it, my kids start to wonder how come they can't. It sort of is a double standard for me and makes me feel like a hypocrite. He has no motivation and is glued to his video games all the time when he's at his mom's house. At our house, I've pretty much cut him off those privileges, as those are rewards he has not earned. Every time I tell him to do something around the house, he throws fits and slams things and starts stomping around the house. This has been going on pretty much the whole duration of our relationship. Nothing but complete disrespect towards me. His dad doesn't say anything to him about it, maybe that's why he keeps doing it, because he can get away with it. If that was my kid, he'd get a smack at the back of the head. I'm at the point where I'm pretty much fed up and am at the point where I just refuse to talk to him and just ignore him. It's not healthy...for everyone in the house, and I don't know what to do anymore. Marriage, I think, is not a priority for his dad and I anymore. We have discussed it a couple of times, and at one point he told me that we can't get married until I change my ways with his son. I think I should have walked away at that point. It's a subject I've pretty much dropped and no longer care to discuss. Here I am now, wondering should I just move on with my life without them? I'm in my mid 40's and I have 3 college aged children. Definitely not looking to starting a new relationship, but if it happens, it happens. I am nothing but annoyed and pissed off every time he's here with us, and it's not fair to everyone. I'm tired of it. I've held on for as long as I can, and I am having the hardest time to keep holding on. It feels like it would be so much easier to let go. But damn, 16 years....and all for nothing =(
2 Responses
189897 tn?1441130118
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ouch,  16 years.  Hopefully, it was not all for nothing - there had to have been some good times in there!
   But to the kid.  I am also the CL on the ADHD forum.  When I see posts about kids that have given up - many times (not always) its because they have ADHD, ADD, or another learning disability.  In other words, he may be giving up because he has had years of failure and is fed up with it.  I have seen many, many kids like that.   This is just one link that might help - http://www.additudemag.com/quiz/8/question-1.html
    Point being, before you give up on the kid (and his dad), find out what is going on with the kid.  By now the school should be getting worried too.  Talk to the school counselor.  If you need more info on things like ADD - please post.
Avatar universal
Maybe you should try talking to the kid calmly and open up some things? Confront him abt everything you have noticed in his behavior. If it doesn't work or if it doesn't turn out to be okay, that's when you decide.
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189897 tn?1441130118
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