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How should I respond to negative behavior?
My husband and I are showing less and less patience with our 5 year old (2nd of two). He is an absolute angel full whose smile can make you melt when he is in a good mood. The mood can shift suddenly and seemingly without cause, but particularly when he doesn't get his way or feels he is being unfairly treated. Then he becomes aggressive, yells, throws things, breaks things, pinches himself. He has even peed on the floor, purposefully. Every morning he fights over what he is going to wear - says everything feels too tight, too loose, too scratchy, and writhes around in his clothes - even though they were the ones that he happily picked out the night before to wear. My husband and I try to handle things calmly, but about 15 minutes in we resort to yelling and threatening, and that time frame is decreasing. I don't want to be that kind of parent. How should I respond?
Gosh, this sounds a lot like my son. It's like he's fine one minute and then something sets him off too and he gets aggressive too more so at the school. I do not see things near as much at home. My son is five too and in kindergarten. I put my son in elastic waist knit pants, he will not wear anything else and he prefers short sleeves.
I wonder if your son is stressed out in the classroom.
My son has not grabbed a crotch yet, but he has hit students before and that is not in his nature normally. But the school seems to bring out the WORST in him.
I wonder if your son is stressed out in the classroom.
My son has not grabbed a crotch yet, but he has hit students before and that is not in his nature normally. But the school seems to bring out the WORST in him.
Just wanted to say that I was clarifying that because I have a son with sensory integration disorder and some tactile defensiveness but he is not autistic. Sensory integration disorder can be a disorder in and of itself and it can be present with other disorders such as autism or add/adhd. Good luck!
Sensitivity to texture is a symptom sometimes (but not always) of sensory integration disorder. A child with autism may have sensory issues as well of autism but it is not a factor of autism. Just thought I'd clarify that. I would not think from this post that your child shows signs of autism. Sensory and tactile defensiveness would be worth reading up on.
Do not take offense please, but being sensitive to texture , is I believe a sign of autism,,which can be increadibly mild in symptoms .Id check into that.
Other wise, The little guy is controlling you. Do not give in by yelling (I have 3 boys 1.5 years apart each) I know its sooo easy to say, But they do become immune to it.
Change what you do in reactions..I whispered when my son was throwing a fit once...he had to quite down to hear me. If he breaks something make him clean it up ( i know he cant do glass etc) but make him help..also if he has a piggy bank take out 50cents or what ever and tell him since he broke oh a picture frame he must pay for it.
Dont tell him he is bad...tell him his behavior is not acceptable...if he wont pick up toys...the toys can go to jail..did this to middle son once..waited till he went to school, picked up all his toys put in box hid in basement...when he got home from school,,,he had a bed, and a childs bible in his room all else was gone...I told him thats what jail rooms look like for people who have too much negative behavior and his toys are all in jail for a week, because they were not picked up.
If he pees on the floor, hand him a wash cloth and have him clean it, if you have to pick him up and carry him back to the spot 100 times...he likely wont clean it properly at his young age but let him think he did,,,when he is done put him in bathtub and clean the spot right.
when he doesnt get his way and throws a fit..leave...I walked out of blockbusters cause my kids were being wild..I waited in lobby till they knew I was gone..and we walked to car..they got no movie no popcorn.
If he is throwing a fit in grocery store calmly pick him up...no words. go to car go home..he will figure it out soon,
Tell his teacher about clothes issue, tell son you have let his teacher know that he will be going to school in his pajamas from now on. That will get his attention.
about my first comment , I really doubt it ,,sounds like hes a very bright boy and knows how to push your buttons..just felt I should mention,
Let me know if any of this helps.....remember the only way to change anyones behavior is to change the way you react to it.
less talk more action...if he fusses over clothes get him dressed like you did when he was a baby,, breifly explain you must treat him as a younger boy rather than the big boy he is until he makes better choices.
Other wise, The little guy is controlling you. Do not give in by yelling (I have 3 boys 1.5 years apart each) I know its sooo easy to say, But they do become immune to it.
Change what you do in reactions..I whispered when my son was throwing a fit once...he had to quite down to hear me. If he breaks something make him clean it up ( i know he cant do glass etc) but make him help..also if he has a piggy bank take out 50cents or what ever and tell him since he broke oh a picture frame he must pay for it.
Dont tell him he is bad...tell him his behavior is not acceptable...if he wont pick up toys...the toys can go to jail..did this to middle son once..waited till he went to school, picked up all his toys put in box hid in basement...when he got home from school,,,he had a bed, and a childs bible in his room all else was gone...I told him thats what jail rooms look like for people who have too much negative behavior and his toys are all in jail for a week, because they were not picked up.
If he pees on the floor, hand him a wash cloth and have him clean it, if you have to pick him up and carry him back to the spot 100 times...he likely wont clean it properly at his young age but let him think he did,,,when he is done put him in bathtub and clean the spot right.
when he doesnt get his way and throws a fit..leave...I walked out of blockbusters cause my kids were being wild..I waited in lobby till they knew I was gone..and we walked to car..they got no movie no popcorn.
If he is throwing a fit in grocery store calmly pick him up...no words. go to car go home..he will figure it out soon,
Tell his teacher about clothes issue, tell son you have let his teacher know that he will be going to school in his pajamas from now on. That will get his attention.
about my first comment , I really doubt it ,,sounds like hes a very bright boy and knows how to push your buttons..just felt I should mention,
Let me know if any of this helps.....remember the only way to change anyones behavior is to change the way you react to it.
less talk more action...if he fusses over clothes get him dressed like you did when he was a baby,, breifly explain you must treat him as a younger boy rather than the big boy he is until he makes better choices.
I agree it sounds like sensory defensiveness. There was a website posted here, with clothing for children with tactile issues and it looked great. Tagless, seamless soft cotton clothing.
The thing is, with kids like that everything IS too loose, or too tight, or too scratchy. Think about how it would feel to put on things that were too tight, too scratchy, had a piece that poked at you, etc. These kids feel it in spades, and they can't "turn it off" in their brain the way others can ignore noxious stimulus. They are subject to feel it without being able to concentrate on more important things.
He sounds like an extremely bright child, and he's found out what works - hurting kids in the crotch works. It's not acceptable, but it DOES work, and quickly!
I think you're doing the right thing talking to him about this stuff - he seems to have a smart grasp of what's right and wrong, he just doesn't have the impulse control at this point to do the right thing.
Best wishes.
The thing is, with kids like that everything IS too loose, or too tight, or too scratchy. Think about how it would feel to put on things that were too tight, too scratchy, had a piece that poked at you, etc. These kids feel it in spades, and they can't "turn it off" in their brain the way others can ignore noxious stimulus. They are subject to feel it without being able to concentrate on more important things.
He sounds like an extremely bright child, and he's found out what works - hurting kids in the crotch works. It's not acceptable, but it DOES work, and quickly!
I think you're doing the right thing talking to him about this stuff - he seems to have a smart grasp of what's right and wrong, he just doesn't have the impulse control at this point to do the right thing.
Best wishes.
Couple of things that stand out to me. First, with the clothes. Tactile defensiveness which is part of the sensory system can be at play here. This is a real issue to some kids and it ranges to mildly uncomfortable to completely unbearable. Some kids refuse to wear certain things and choose their favorites over and over. Google it and see what you think. If he picks it out the night before and then balks in the morning----- I'd have a back up and let him choose between the two. Remember that what looks good might not feel good. Make sure there are not big seams around the kneck or down the side and that there are no tags.
I agree that choices are a good answer when a child is having difficulty. You control the choices and hence you are in charge, but he feels as if he has some control as well. It is a win win.
I think lots of talking about emotions is good and acting out and role playing for and then with him about what is appropriate behavior and what is not is helpful. That visual is good--------- it makes them laugh and it clicks. I don't spend a lot of time really explaining and going on and on------ kids start to tune out. I keep it simple and direct. There is a book called "hands are not for hitting" which is excellent. There is a whole series and another good one is "words are not for hurting". My kids really liked the posative message. When it comes to things in school----- what exactly precipitates it and what does the school do about it? I think talking to him about EVERYONE being his friend and being nice to everyone is important. And then talk about what makes a good friend. Keep it simple and short----- but make sure he knows he is not being a friendly guy when he reacts by hitting.
I think you and your husband will have to get a handle on the yelling. If you can't control yourself, how do you expect him to control himself? Impulse control starts with the parents . . . You can push your tongue to the roof of your mouth to stop yourself or give yourself a time out. Wake up and start the morning routine 10 minutes earlier if you are in a rush and get frustrated more in the morning because of that.
Natural consequences are good too. Throw something? Then it is mine for the day. I never yell about it or fight about it. It is just the rule. So the consequence of throwing it is the toy goes bye bye. And if he makes a mess, he cleans it up himself. That type of thing.
I wish you luck. I have two children ---- one with sensory integration disorder and one without and raising kids is always a hard task no matter what is going on.
I agree that choices are a good answer when a child is having difficulty. You control the choices and hence you are in charge, but he feels as if he has some control as well. It is a win win.
I think lots of talking about emotions is good and acting out and role playing for and then with him about what is appropriate behavior and what is not is helpful. That visual is good--------- it makes them laugh and it clicks. I don't spend a lot of time really explaining and going on and on------ kids start to tune out. I keep it simple and direct. There is a book called "hands are not for hitting" which is excellent. There is a whole series and another good one is "words are not for hurting". My kids really liked the posative message. When it comes to things in school----- what exactly precipitates it and what does the school do about it? I think talking to him about EVERYONE being his friend and being nice to everyone is important. And then talk about what makes a good friend. Keep it simple and short----- but make sure he knows he is not being a friendly guy when he reacts by hitting.
I think you and your husband will have to get a handle on the yelling. If you can't control yourself, how do you expect him to control himself? Impulse control starts with the parents . . . You can push your tongue to the roof of your mouth to stop yourself or give yourself a time out. Wake up and start the morning routine 10 minutes earlier if you are in a rush and get frustrated more in the morning because of that.
Natural consequences are good too. Throw something? Then it is mine for the day. I never yell about it or fight about it. It is just the rule. So the consequence of throwing it is the toy goes bye bye. And if he makes a mess, he cleans it up himself. That type of thing.
I wish you luck. I have two children ---- one with sensory integration disorder and one without and raising kids is always a hard task no matter what is going on.
Thanks for your advice. It used to be that my son only did these things at home. He definitely behaves better at school, for his afterschool caregiver (an early childhood teacher) and for our parents. That said, we have been getting a phone call everyweek from school about one thing or another. At first, it was just bringing toys to school, but has now escalated to hitting other students when he feels they treat him or his friends unfairly. His teacher said he can always justify his actions in his own mind and therefor feels disliked by the others and her when told he isn't behaving acceptably. He often writes about being sad or mad. Yesterday he full-on grabbed his friend in the crotch when he wouldn't give back a toy quickly enough. He is very focused on that part of the anatomy lately - on using it to threaten (chasing his brother around threatening to pee on him if he is mad) or using it to punish - hitting/kicking there. His favorite toy is a puppet - I have been using it to have him replay events for me to help me understand better. When asked what he thinks he is supposed to do in those situations he can give an acceptable answer, but that's not what he does when actually in the situation. I still have to call the mother of the boy he grabbed yesterday. I don't know what to say to her. I don't believe it was meant in a sexual way, but I don't know that she will agree. My husband was really, really disturbed by the event - just so lost as to where that would come from.
Does he act this way with others when you're not around?
It appears that he requires a lot of attention and that he is getting attention when he misbehaves. Here are a few things I do when watching difficult children.
-Try ignoring his negative behaviors, unless he is putting himself or others in danger. It will be difficult not to respond to his negative behaviors. But make sure you make a great deal out of his positive behaviors. Praise him for sitting quietly, smiling, asking for something nicely, walking nicely, giving good hugs, treating others nicely, doing a great job at cleaning, picking out something on his own, etc. Let other know that you are doing this so they won't respond to his negative behavior either. Otherwise he will be a handful whenever the person who give him that attention is around. "If mommy won't, then daddy will."
-Let him know calmly that it is okay to be upset, but his behavior is not exceptable and give him something to do when he is upset. "It's okay to be upset, but throwing ______ can hurt someone and it may break (If it's a toy of his) So I am going to take it away until you learn how to play with it safely like a big boy. But if you'd like, you can color (I can read you a book, sit on your bed, etc.) until you feel better and we can try ______again." basically let him know that his feelings are normal, his behavior is not okay and why, and give consequences for his behavior and suggest something for him to do instead when he feels the way he does. This can also be used when he is excited but getting too wild indoors.
- It appears that you are already letting him make some choices for himself. That is great. It is quite powerful if he is striving to be a big boy. I do timeouts, but very very very rarely have to use them because of what I mentioned above and because of what I am about to tell you. If you want him to do something and make a good choice, don't immediately use time out (or punishment) as a threat. Give him two choices which are both in your favor just giving him two different ways of getting the task done. Sometimes he may suggest a different way, and that is okay only if he has had good behavior (let him know that). Example: In the mornings he doesn't want to wear the clothes he picked out the night before "I think you made an excellent choice of what to wear today. You're going to look so handsome! Well, if you don't like it anymore I can pick out a new outfit. So which one are you going to wear? If you can't make a choice I will make one for you and then we are leaving." All of this is said calmly and any negative responses are ignored.
Give 2 choices in your favor. Use the power of him having a choice. Make a decision if he responds negatively without choosing a choice you have given him.
Now in order to see any changes in behavior, you must be consistent!
As for experience I have worked with children with diagnosed behavior disorders, development disabled, normal everyday children, children who's parents spank/ and who don't (I've never spanked). I also have a Bachelors in psychology and looking to acheive my PhD. I hope that you find something that works for you and your family.
It appears that he requires a lot of attention and that he is getting attention when he misbehaves. Here are a few things I do when watching difficult children.
-Try ignoring his negative behaviors, unless he is putting himself or others in danger. It will be difficult not to respond to his negative behaviors. But make sure you make a great deal out of his positive behaviors. Praise him for sitting quietly, smiling, asking for something nicely, walking nicely, giving good hugs, treating others nicely, doing a great job at cleaning, picking out something on his own, etc. Let other know that you are doing this so they won't respond to his negative behavior either. Otherwise he will be a handful whenever the person who give him that attention is around. "If mommy won't, then daddy will."
-Let him know calmly that it is okay to be upset, but his behavior is not exceptable and give him something to do when he is upset. "It's okay to be upset, but throwing ______ can hurt someone and it may break (If it's a toy of his) So I am going to take it away until you learn how to play with it safely like a big boy. But if you'd like, you can color (I can read you a book, sit on your bed, etc.) until you feel better and we can try ______again." basically let him know that his feelings are normal, his behavior is not okay and why, and give consequences for his behavior and suggest something for him to do instead when he feels the way he does. This can also be used when he is excited but getting too wild indoors.
- It appears that you are already letting him make some choices for himself. That is great. It is quite powerful if he is striving to be a big boy. I do timeouts, but very very very rarely have to use them because of what I mentioned above and because of what I am about to tell you. If you want him to do something and make a good choice, don't immediately use time out (or punishment) as a threat. Give him two choices which are both in your favor just giving him two different ways of getting the task done. Sometimes he may suggest a different way, and that is okay only if he has had good behavior (let him know that). Example: In the mornings he doesn't want to wear the clothes he picked out the night before "I think you made an excellent choice of what to wear today. You're going to look so handsome! Well, if you don't like it anymore I can pick out a new outfit. So which one are you going to wear? If you can't make a choice I will make one for you and then we are leaving." All of this is said calmly and any negative responses are ignored.
Give 2 choices in your favor. Use the power of him having a choice. Make a decision if he responds negatively without choosing a choice you have given him.
Now in order to see any changes in behavior, you must be consistent!
As for experience I have worked with children with diagnosed behavior disorders, development disabled, normal everyday children, children who's parents spank/ and who don't (I've never spanked). I also have a Bachelors in psychology and looking to acheive my PhD. I hope that you find something that works for you and your family.
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