I need help.

[Emmalea27]

I need help with my 4 year old son. He is a good kid, but at times he doesnt listen, throws fits if he doesnt get what he wants, tells me he hates me, hits me, screams at me. I need to learn to be more patient with him. I just want to correct this before he gets any older. My whole family see it.

[adgal]

Well, my son is a bit younger but I can tell you what we do, and perhaps it will help.

We use a logical and natural consequences and also a lot of positive reinforcement.  For example - we are out and he has a temper tantrum over something.  First step is to stay very calm and in control of yourself (not always easy I know, but it's important).    If it's a tantrum at home, I find that being empathetic but firm works.  So, I will get right down on his level and (again very calmly) say something like "I know it's hard to understand that we can't always have everything we want.  Would you like a hug?"  That works a great deal of the time.  If he is still screaming I often find that just removing the audience works.  So I kind of ignore him.  As soon as he stops screaming, I pick him up, give him a cuddle and tell him that I love him.  So there was immediate response to the positive behavior.  If we are out, I do pretty much the same thing, but if he doesn't stop, I just pick him up and we leave.  

I keep my rules and expectations age appropriate.  So let's say I want him to pick up his toys when he is done.  I gently remind him and often we do it together.  When he remembers on his own, I make a big deal out of it.  When he doesn't, I remind.  If that doesn't do the trick I will tell him that if he doesn't pick them up, I will have to put them away.  Then I start removing things from him.  I keep them for an afternoon or something, then give them back and we start over.  He is learning that he gets positive attention for picking them up, and there are consequences for not.  It really really works. Hitting is a big one in our house.  No one hits and it's not ok.  For that, I remind him that I don't hit him and he cannot hit me.  I remind him we only ever use gentle hands and if he hits he will go to time out.  Then I follow up and to time out he goes..rule is 1 minute per age.  Afterward I again hug him and tell him I love him.

The important thing is that the consequence should make sense and should be directly related to what is going on.  And again, very important to stay calm.  I find that my child reacts very poorly to raised voices or anger.  Firm is good, but anger is scary for them.  In our case it just makes things worse and turns into a power struggle - we aren't going to win and everyone just get's frustrated.  Nothing is really learned.

Toddlers are tough.  We aren't at 4 yet, so perhaps my advice isn't appropriate, but maybe some of it will help.  I wish you all the best!

[ku111]

I know this may sound silly but every time my kids hit me or anyone else I would get on their level take a hold of their hands and say "oh no, our hands aren't for hitting.  They are for clapping (I'd clap their hands), they are for kissing (i'd kiss their hands) and for saying "Yea! (I'd put their hands above their heads and wiggle them) but they are never for hitting.  I'd kiss their cheek and go about my business.  Sometimes more than once.  Eventually they forgot why they were hitting and they would laugh.  I did this many times but do know that my one is 18 and his girlfriend gives him a friendly slap he does the same to her and she eventually stopped doing that.LOL!  So, he remembered what our hands are used for and he has told me that was a cool thing and he will do that with his own children.  Raising kids is difficult but remaining firm, consistant, lots of patience, and talking to them often about what is appropriate and not appropriate.  If they did this in a store, I warned one time and then left (er! for me) and the next time I made sure they knew I was waiting to go to store when dad came home because of the last episode.  This stopped pretty quickly and then before we went over the easy rules of "no whinning, no crying and no gimmy gimmy".  They would eventually say these simple rules on their own.LOL!  Hang in there and love em lots!  Goodluck!

[adgal]

I don't think that sounds silly at all.  I like that alot actually. And personally, I think children respond better when a game is made out of it. What you did with their hands is great!

[specialmom]

There is actually a great book ku by that very title "Hands are not for Hitting".  It drives that message home.  Another in that series is "Words are not for Hurting" which is also very good.

I do what Adgal does.  I also do my very best to stay calm as if I get upset, then it just ramps the whole thing up more.

I also give choices.  Kids that have trouble with complying will do so much more easily if they are given choices between a or b.  So, give lots and lots of choices to him---  you are giving the choices, so you have ultimate control.  But they 'think' they have some control by choosing.  Very effective.

I also have a zero tolerance policy for fits outside the house---  in that, no matter what we are doing or where we are at, I leave.  Not in a huff.  But matter of factly, "oh no, since you are having a fit, we have to leave."  This includes the park, grocery store (yes, even with a full grocery cart and then when he wants apple juice later, you say 'oh sorry, we had to leave the store so we don't have any.  Here is some water."), church, play date, family party, etc.  A few times of follow through gets the message across, I promise.

good luck

By the way,, it is normal for kids of that age to test the boundaries.  They are also having new skills being asked of them like hand writing, etc. and that can be frustrating.  It's also important that your son get enough sleep (throw in a little extra if possible) and physical activiity each and every day.  good luck