Aa
does he need evaluating?
My son is 3y & 3mths, he is an only child. I am concerned with his very erratic behavior and am wondering if I should have him “evaluated”. This has been going on since he was about 2 ½.
He was a reasonably "good" baby. Never had a problem with weaning eg. breast to bottle, removal of dummy, transition from crib to bed etc. Fully toilet trained (day and night) in one week at 2 1/2. He was never an easy child to settle though. Never slept through the night until 13mths. He is still very hard to settle – just fights sleep unless absolutely and totally exhausted. He does things like kicks his legs rhythmically, pokes himself in the eyes and slaps his face etc. Physical mile stones were a little delayed. He is in the care of a pediatric physical therapist. He has been diagnosed with low muscle tone (long ligaments inherited from mum). He has a strange gait and is just now teaching himself to peddle his tricycle. He has suffered chronic ear infection (he is on his second set of grommets) lactose intolerance and asthma. All of which have settled down dramatically. He's always had a huge vocabulary, compared to his peers, but was very hard to understand due to significant hearing loss from the ear infections. He now continues to have a huge vocabulary and talks very well except for a few sounds like "L" pronounced as a "W" or "Y", "R" as a "W", "J" as a "Z", "V" as "B". He forms surprisingly comprehensive sentences etc.
When he chooses, he plays by himself quite well for a reasonable period of time - cars, trains, blocks etc. But shows very little interest in sitting and drawing, doing a puzzle etc (non physical activities). In a group setting he is very disruptive and will not adhere to instructions. eg storytime at daycare and playgroup. One-on-one storytime is up and down. He is also very verbally abusive - generally "you are not my best friend, I'm gonna kick you idiot" etc. He is not physically abusive to other children unless it is in retaliation to the same. However he can be quite physical with parents & grandparents-(occasionally) and very continually with our small dog. He mostly very hard to have a conversation with (can't focus on the topic, and goes off on a tangent - usually something that has been discussed numerous times before or goes into verbal abuse), he is impossible to sit down and teach something new to.
He attends daycare 2 days per week and spends 1 day per week at his home with his grandparents. He has done this since 9 weeks old. Dad works full time and I (mum) works 3 days per week. He has always attended the same daycare centre. This year he is in a class of approximately 20 children. He is is the youngest in the room by 4 months and "skipped" a room this year. ie. 5 rooms in the centre - went from room 1 in the first and second year, room 2 in the 3rd year and this year started in 4th room. The centre said they did this as he was becoming quite a bully (physically and verbally) last year in the toddler room and thought that as he is a tall boy & very bright that he would be better suited to a older group. They said that this would improve his behaviour. He seemed to behave quite well at daycare for the first month or 2 (with no change at home – other than not wanting to go to daycare), but now is starting his old behaviour again.
All in all he seems to be better at teaching himself to do things in his own time, rather than being assisted to learn something new. He seems to be quite intelligent, but hard to teach (if that makes sense)? He will behave PERFECTLY when it suits him and is unbearable the rest of the time regardless of surroundings, company and consequences. He's extremely up and down. He is defiant and any form of punishment whether it be a smack on the bottom, time out, confiscation or a combination has absolutely no effect. He will say he is going to be good and gets HEAPS of praise when he does, then turn around and act totally inappropriately. In the moment nothing will stop the behavior. When he's done though, he will freely admit it and says sorry. He cannot seem to grasp the idea of "trying" to act appropriate to different situations - that some behaviour (for example) jumping off the bed is ok at home but not appropriate at the doctor’s surgery!!!! etc. Most days tend to start out blissfully, then as soon as he is asked to do / not do something the rest of the day tends to be a nightmare. He literally can change JUST LIKE THAT! This is consistantly how he is at home with his parents and at daycare. Days at home with one parent or his grandparents can be up and down, and when he has the occasional sleep over at Uncles place or grandparents place his behavior is nothing short of excellent.
What should I do?
He was a reasonably "good" baby. Never had a problem with weaning eg. breast to bottle, removal of dummy, transition from crib to bed etc. Fully toilet trained (day and night) in one week at 2 1/2. He was never an easy child to settle though. Never slept through the night until 13mths. He is still very hard to settle – just fights sleep unless absolutely and totally exhausted. He does things like kicks his legs rhythmically, pokes himself in the eyes and slaps his face etc. Physical mile stones were a little delayed. He is in the care of a pediatric physical therapist. He has been diagnosed with low muscle tone (long ligaments inherited from mum). He has a strange gait and is just now teaching himself to peddle his tricycle. He has suffered chronic ear infection (he is on his second set of grommets) lactose intolerance and asthma. All of which have settled down dramatically. He's always had a huge vocabulary, compared to his peers, but was very hard to understand due to significant hearing loss from the ear infections. He now continues to have a huge vocabulary and talks very well except for a few sounds like "L" pronounced as a "W" or "Y", "R" as a "W", "J" as a "Z", "V" as "B". He forms surprisingly comprehensive sentences etc.
When he chooses, he plays by himself quite well for a reasonable period of time - cars, trains, blocks etc. But shows very little interest in sitting and drawing, doing a puzzle etc (non physical activities). In a group setting he is very disruptive and will not adhere to instructions. eg storytime at daycare and playgroup. One-on-one storytime is up and down. He is also very verbally abusive - generally "you are not my best friend, I'm gonna kick you idiot" etc. He is not physically abusive to other children unless it is in retaliation to the same. However he can be quite physical with parents & grandparents-(occasionally) and very continually with our small dog. He mostly very hard to have a conversation with (can't focus on the topic, and goes off on a tangent - usually something that has been discussed numerous times before or goes into verbal abuse), he is impossible to sit down and teach something new to.
He attends daycare 2 days per week and spends 1 day per week at his home with his grandparents. He has done this since 9 weeks old. Dad works full time and I (mum) works 3 days per week. He has always attended the same daycare centre. This year he is in a class of approximately 20 children. He is is the youngest in the room by 4 months and "skipped" a room this year. ie. 5 rooms in the centre - went from room 1 in the first and second year, room 2 in the 3rd year and this year started in 4th room. The centre said they did this as he was becoming quite a bully (physically and verbally) last year in the toddler room and thought that as he is a tall boy & very bright that he would be better suited to a older group. They said that this would improve his behaviour. He seemed to behave quite well at daycare for the first month or 2 (with no change at home – other than not wanting to go to daycare), but now is starting his old behaviour again.
All in all he seems to be better at teaching himself to do things in his own time, rather than being assisted to learn something new. He seems to be quite intelligent, but hard to teach (if that makes sense)? He will behave PERFECTLY when it suits him and is unbearable the rest of the time regardless of surroundings, company and consequences. He's extremely up and down. He is defiant and any form of punishment whether it be a smack on the bottom, time out, confiscation or a combination has absolutely no effect. He will say he is going to be good and gets HEAPS of praise when he does, then turn around and act totally inappropriately. In the moment nothing will stop the behavior. When he's done though, he will freely admit it and says sorry. He cannot seem to grasp the idea of "trying" to act appropriate to different situations - that some behaviour (for example) jumping off the bed is ok at home but not appropriate at the doctor’s surgery!!!! etc. Most days tend to start out blissfully, then as soon as he is asked to do / not do something the rest of the day tends to be a nightmare. He literally can change JUST LIKE THAT! This is consistantly how he is at home with his parents and at daycare. Days at home with one parent or his grandparents can be up and down, and when he has the occasional sleep over at Uncles place or grandparents place his behavior is nothing short of excellent.
What should I do?
He sounds normal to me, especially since you mention that he even plays on his own for a reasonable period of time. I wanted to point out that toddlers and young children are much more busy and adventurous than babies. They develop this sense of independence with their newfound and ever evolving mobility skills and talking skills. They require a greater deal of supervision and training (like teaching about being kind to friends and other endless life lessons). He's getting older and will likely cause you and any caregiver to move around more, keep up with him, and keep him entertained/busy. Perhaps some of the other posters will have some tips for you about teaching him about bullying or other things you may have mentioned. I just wanted you to know that he sounds perfectly normal. Have a good time!
I just wanted to add one more thing about the day care - he may be stressed and overwhelmed by the change and of having so many kids around him.
He sounds normal to me - except that he may be above average in intelligence - which makes them smarter at manipulating the adults in their life! The only thing that strikes me as odd is the fact that you say he says "You are not my best friend - you idiot!" - where did he learn that word? He must of seen it or heard it from someone else. Wherever he learned it from is probably what he is copying and what is causing the bullying. 3 year olds are very hard to deal alot of the time. They are irrational and crazy!! LOL! But they are trying to learn all the rules and you just have to be consistent and have TONS of patience and compassion. Try to enjoy it -(tantrums and all!) it goes by before you know it!
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