2 /12 YR Acting Up in Daycare but Not at Home

[noelwilliams]

Hello, my son will be 3 in March. He's a sweet, helpful kid who on occasion will throw a tantrum at home, nothing out of the ordinary, however, the year before last my husband and I transferred him from a home daycare to a public daycare. Within 3 mo. he's teachers wanted him to move up to the next class because they felt that the course was to slow for him. After transitioning to this new class I started getting calls about his behavior: not listening, testing the limits, a lot of tantrums, not wanting to be apart of a group activities. During one of the parent-teacher meetings, we told them that we didn't have a behavior problem at home and if there was ever an issue, our discipline was usually counting to 3 and putting him in timeout which extinguishes the tantrum. After trying it for a month, they claimed it didn't always work; within the last month of him leaving they claimed that he tried to kick a teacher on two different occasions. I spoke to the director and even went to the school to watch this behavior which I never saw problems. Now he's been in a home daycare in the last 6 months and the teacher started bringing up the same issues. If what I'm doing at home works fine, why is he acting this way at daycare? I really don't know what to do. He's never been the group type of kid, he plays well with others when he wants to, yes he does the test the limits and it seems that he has selective listening at times, whenever he does have tantrums it's usually because he can't express himself with words very well. Also, his father is in the military who unfortunately has been relocated without us, so he's here every once in a while.

[specialmom]

Hi, sounds like you are saying the problems followed him to this new daycare.  I again encourage you to spend some time observing and work with the teachers.  I've found that teachers really have no reason for making things up.  What would be their motivation?  So, I get that you got different answers but will tell you it is also hard to tell a  mom when their child was doing the absolute wrong thing.  My son's preschool teachers liked me and it seemed like it almost pained them to tell me what had happened.  But they needed to.  One time, my son had a super bad day when his head teacher was gone and it was his assistent teacher and an aide their.  I heard about the bad day from another teacher in the school and when I asked the assistent about it, she said she didn't want to tell me as she knew it would upset me.  She was trying to be kind but the right thing for me to do is to know all of the gruesome details so I can help.  

How are things going now?

[noelwilliams]

Thank ya'll for responding to my post. When I use the words "they claimed" I am using it disbelieving because there was so much inconsistency in what was being told to me by the teachers. He did have two teachersand a floater teacher but it was amazing that all these teachers had a different answer for the same question, and easy questions like what happened?
But yes, they did move him to a class with older kids and more of a structured learning environment.I didn't really think much of him being with older kids because he grow up with older kids instead of kids his own age. But after going through all the problems with the public daycare, I had to movehim out and ended up putting him back into a home daycare.

[RockRose]

It sounds like he doesn't do well in groups,  and does better in smaller groups or really,  at home.

I'd be wary of using words like "they claimed" he tried to kick a teacher,  because it sounds like he it's pretty clear he tried to kick a teacher.  Rather than being defensive and disbelieving,  believe what they are saying.  

And then work with that information.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, your guy is really little.  I don't know what kind of academic curriculem they have for him but it shouldn't be much at this point.  When they moved him up was he with older kids? Perhaps it was too much for him and the acting out was a way of showing his stress of it.  I'm trying to understand---  did you then move him back to another daycare, so he's changed again??  

First, he is little.  Let me just say that.  Lots of behavior can be attributed to immaturity at this point, right?  

I do want to mention that  my son went to preschool at 2.8 months for one half day a week and I got the same kinds of calls you did.  They wanted to evaluate him for something called sensory integration disorder.  I thought they were nuts but complied.  The evaluation was inconclusive.  However, the next year at preschool more problems surfaced and I could see damage to self esteem (kids don' like to get in trouble and other kids shun the ones that always do as that is human nature), I jumped on board and we had him evaluated again.  That time it was definate and he was diagnosed with sensory.  He was different at school than at home which is common with sensory although in retrospect, there were some signs at home too.  

sensory integration disorder involves the nervous system and I'd describe what happens in a preschool enviroment something like this.  If you think of your brain having lots of little gates in it.  Most will be shut with only one open so that you can accomplish a task.  The other gates hold back the sound of the boy across the room, the sight of the puzzless that you love, the smell of lunch, etc. all of the things that distract you.  You can remember the rules of the classroom because your brain is nice and quiet.  However, a sensory kid that is excited or overwhelmed has multiple gates open so that their brain is chaos.  They can't do one task because they are on to the next, they wander the room, the have trouble with peers, they can't remember rules because their mind is just a jumble of everything at once.  It has nothing to do with intelligence but is about processing.  

We did occupational therapy to help and boy did it!!!!  My kid is doing terrific and is now 8 years old and in 2nd grade.  Never in 1st or 2nd grade have I received anything but great reports about his behavior.  We still do occupational therapy and a diet of sensory things that help him maintain himself

I just tell you this because my story is a little like yours.  

I think what I'd do if I were you is to start working with his teachers----  for them to document when things happen.  Is it at a particular time of day, is it when they are going to draw (some kids have trouble with pencil grip and will act out so they don't have to do it), etc. and see if you can figure out a pattern.  I'd continue to go and observe and do mostly observing without interfering in his day (I tend to want to help my kid or intervene when I'm around him . . . mama's nature).  And help him with some ways to handle emotions at home by role playing and teaching him how to handle an issue at school.  Give him a cool down spot to go to at school, help him with words to use, etc.  Last, lots of physical activity really helps my child with behavior.  Increase what you do such as an hour each day if possible (much more on the weekends) of running, swimming, climbing, playing physical games, etc.  It will help, I promise.

good luck