My step parent section..

[here4theinfo]

So this is what I have, this space, my ideas, opinions,responses and questions aren't always perfect, but I just want to have this space to say THANK YOU to all of the "step parents". Being a child of divorce and a mother of divorce, I have had "step parents", my kids have had "step parents" and I have been a "step parent"..Its like a world that revolves around "step parents". I noticed awhile back on these boards there are easy ways to upset people. Being a "step parent" with any problem is one way. It can be any problem and the boards blow up and usually "turn" againest the "step parent". It can be from the smallest "how to get my step child to kiss me, to how do I disipline my step child", and before you know it, peoples replies become judgemental. I think it may just be a "group" of elders that had parents that were married forever that don't quite understand the whole "step parent" situation. Sometimes, being a "step parent" is not a choice, sometimes it is, whatever the "step parent" reason is, I think it is just wonderful that there is another person to love our children!!! Our society should be more approving of it because it is the REALITY, not badger the "step parent" for trying to do what a normally responsible/irresponsible biological parent should be doing. Which brings me to why I am leaving this post, if you find that you are a "step parent" frustrated by 'badgers" and you can not find a helpful answer, post your question here, for now, and I with what ever powers I have, will be an easy listener and hoping helpful answer. Yes, I know this is quite a strestch, but I guess Im tired of reading posts where "step parents" dont ever get an answer, and by the time they do, they usually are frustrated and dont post anymore replies. This forum is supposed to be helpful to everyone, and I feel I can be a helper, and I know there are others on here who are very helpful, so give it a try. I want to see what kind of things I can accomplish that are positive. Thank you so much for reading this! Have a nice day!!

[rebbecca]

thanks, I finally have some light at the end of this dark tunnel

[here4theinfo]

Hi, hehe, look at this mess. Well I can stay focused through all of this bickering. You know what, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYTHING!!  Thats right, who cares what you are really, you are taking care of someones elses child and that is wonderful. If the mother wants to rant and rave, she can, but no matter what, your married to her husband. Not her!! So she cant control one thing that you do. If you make the decision that you do  not want to be responsible doing her work, then you tell her. You have every right to tell her  that if she does not want that responsibility, then things will have to change. Then you and your husband go to court and file paper work to get full custody of Bri with visitations every other weekend, that way she will have a better home with parents that want to take care of her, and her mommy can play "Magic Mountain Mommy" on the weekend.It will be less stressful for your husband and you, and Bri wont get stuck in the middle by her mom anymore. When her mom can grow up and be more responsible, then slowly she can have more time. Her mother shouldnt have had children if she was going to be so irresponsible. See, its a damn good thing that you are around to be a responsible loving person!!
PS dont let the "badgers" get to you, they have nothing better to do and there kids are all grown..

[Trialanderror]

We are getting the full band width in this thread, it is like a glimpse of the multitude of life scenarios that we find today. I understand where each of you is coming from. There are always masters and losers on both sides of the spectrum of parenting, bio or step, married or not. The real art after divorce is to maintain continuity, predictability and a sense of home in a child`s life, with love obviously. That is all that counts, regardless whether it is provided by step parents or bio parents. However, chances are that these values are harder to live if there are new partners, step parents and changes in the home environment. A child`s trust needs to be earned and that is hard. It can easily happen that a child feels homeless at home. Just by watching my son, I realized how much truly undivided attention he needs and deserves on a daily basis so first of all I decided not to have any new partner in my life, period. Second, I made sure his bio dad would remain in his life, even if initially reluctantly. He has a really great new wife. Third, I set up "business meetings" with his dad on a regular basis on neutral ground so we could both voice each other`s concerns if there were any -and that includes that his new wife lets him be the messenger for whatever upsets or delights her. Even though we did have bad arguments and distrust about each other`s motives at some point, the path has been cleared. We found compromises in parenting styles but most of all we respect our son`s well-being. He is not always in the mood to leave our "home base" or his neighborhood friends, so we let him decide where he likes to be each week. That way he does not feel transplanted against his will and is quite happy to do the "other-home" trip on his own terms. I am writing this to point out it takes a lot of good team players to accomplish all this but despite things having gone pretty well so far, I can tell that my son is a bit more restless and questioning than his pals who live in regular mom-and-dad families. I will write back in 10 years and let you know how he turns out.

[RockRose]

I want to add something to my last post.  It sounds like I'm saying because of all these lifelong marriages,  and no step kids,  that I think my family is better than anyone else's,  who have blended families.

That's not what I'm saying.  I was trying to point out and back up my point from before,  that if you grow up watching a style of parenting it's much easier to do.  Because my husband and  I come from families whose parents put all their effort into getting along and staying strong and staying together,  it's second nature to us to do that too.

When you see it patterened,  it's easy to do it - almost hard NOT to follow the pattern.

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

No,   I'm not a stepmom.    I've been married 22 years,  and my parents have been married 50 years this February,  and my parents in law have been married 56 years last month.     All my three boys are both my husbands and mine.

I do see a lot of hideous blended families,  though,  and a few really good caring ones.  Right now I'm trying to put together a birthday party for my youngest,  and it's an overnighter and I"m dealing with two sets of parents who are just ridiculous.

No he can't go,  this is my week and you're friends with the mom's side of the family.     The other stepmother always never relays messages to the biomom,  like don't forget we're actually leaving an hour earlier.    I do know a couple stepmoms who are Mother Teresa's,  truly caring and they treat their steps the way they treat their own.

But by and large,  the kids get screwed.  Different sets of rules at different houses,  and the opposing moms are sabotaging each other.  Chaos,  and sad.

[Agiesmom]

rebecca wrote:
"...No one has stood up to her and told her how they feel about parenting Brianna and Im not ashamed of doing it... "

Why do you think it's so wonderful to stand up and tell her what you think?  Do you REALLY think she cares?  Is she suddenly going to change her whole outlook on life because you did that?   Confronting her is totally ridiculous and pointless and a complete waste of energy.  Your energy would be much better spent focusing positively and UNCONDITIONALLY on Brianna without using a score card with her mother.  Like RockRose said, don't think for a minute she doesn't realize that you are loving, wonderful, and supportive only when it's your "turn" to be such.