Aa
My step parent section..
So this is what I have, this space, my ideas, opinions,responses and questions aren't always perfect, but I just want to have this space to say THANK YOU to all of the "step parents". Being a child of divorce and a mother of divorce, I have had "step parents", my kids have had "step parents" and I have been a "step parent"..Its like a world that revolves around "step parents". I noticed awhile back on these boards there are easy ways to upset people. Being a "step parent" with any problem is one way. It can be any problem and the boards blow up and usually "turn" againest the "step parent". It can be from the smallest "how to get my step child to kiss me, to how do I disipline my step child", and before you know it, peoples replies become judgemental. I think it may just be a "group" of elders that had parents that were married forever that don't quite understand the whole "step parent" situation. Sometimes, being a "step parent" is not a choice, sometimes it is, whatever the "step parent" reason is, I think it is just wonderful that there is another person to love our children!!! Our society should be more approving of it because it is the REALITY, not badger the "step parent" for trying to do what a normally responsible/irresponsible biological parent should be doing. Which brings me to why I am leaving this post, if you find that you are a "step parent" frustrated by 'badgers" and you can not find a helpful answer, post your question here, for now, and I with what ever powers I have, will be an easy listener and hoping helpful answer. Yes, I know this is quite a strestch, but I guess Im tired of reading posts where "step parents" dont ever get an answer, and by the time they do, they usually are frustrated and dont post anymore replies. This forum is supposed to be helpful to everyone, and I feel I can be a helper, and I know there are others on here who are very helpful, so give it a try. I want to see what kind of things I can accomplish that are positive. Thank you so much for reading this! Have a nice day!!
I am so pleased to see someone come to a forum with this kind of attitude. I am a step-parent and a biological parent. There is no difference in love for either of my children, however, whenever I have in the past (I stopped trying about 9 years ago) asked a question on a "Parent" forum re: an issue with my son (stepson) I got a great big ration of nastiness of how I should just stay out of it all. I am a believer of being a parent, period. I am also an Marriage and family therapist, and would love to be of any help on this forum as well. Thanks again!
Awesome, thank you very much. Hey if this takes off like Im hoping it will, maybe I can find out where they actually create the forums, and see if they will add "Step Parents" as its own forum..Yes, parenting to me is like parenting all the lil munchkins in the world. I just love kids and just want the best for all of them..Ok, add this to your "watch" list and check it out occasionally. Thank you again!!
I forgot, being a therapist will help. You probaly have some really good advice!!
MedHelp already installed the new forum "Divorce and Breakups" which includes custody and co-parenting issues. Check it out - it may be just what you are looking for.
In the other post I supported all step parents that go the extra mile to even just accept children of a previous relationship, regardless of how much time they spend with them. I think a lot of the harsh posters automatically see a new wife as an intruder of a previous family life. In reality it is often the man who is back in the dating game and casually mentions - oh, by the way, I have a few kids... when his new future wife is already emotionally involved. I am not even a stepmom but a biological mother and appreciate what a lot of step parents do. So, good luck on your journey.
As for the full custody issues that keep popping up in any step parent post I want to add my two cents. The biological mother-turned-single mother often has to be a master in time management, providing the family income and being a good parent. Sometimes just squeezing in the simple necessities like clothes shopping or haircuts or the daily bath is a challenge and will be delayed or just not perfect. Of course one could say that mothers-turned-single should not be the ones raising their children and often people are quick on these forums to judge a biological mom as unfit. What hurts is that initially the ex-husband sailed off, often barely interested in the well-being of his kids until one fine day he settles down again with a new wife. And then suddenly there is the perfect family setting without the single-parenting madness and the biological mother always looks like a loser. And then she loses her children in a custody battle? That is just very painful. It takes a lot of maturity and communication among parents and step parents to understand each other`s challenges and to respect the child`s needs and desires. I am glad to say it worked out well for my son but it did not come easy and it certainly took a step mom with a very kind heart.
In the other post I supported all step parents that go the extra mile to even just accept children of a previous relationship, regardless of how much time they spend with them. I think a lot of the harsh posters automatically see a new wife as an intruder of a previous family life. In reality it is often the man who is back in the dating game and casually mentions - oh, by the way, I have a few kids... when his new future wife is already emotionally involved. I am not even a stepmom but a biological mother and appreciate what a lot of step parents do. So, good luck on your journey.
As for the full custody issues that keep popping up in any step parent post I want to add my two cents. The biological mother-turned-single mother often has to be a master in time management, providing the family income and being a good parent. Sometimes just squeezing in the simple necessities like clothes shopping or haircuts or the daily bath is a challenge and will be delayed or just not perfect. Of course one could say that mothers-turned-single should not be the ones raising their children and often people are quick on these forums to judge a biological mom as unfit. What hurts is that initially the ex-husband sailed off, often barely interested in the well-being of his kids until one fine day he settles down again with a new wife. And then suddenly there is the perfect family setting without the single-parenting madness and the biological mother always looks like a loser. And then she loses her children in a custody battle? That is just very painful. It takes a lot of maturity and communication among parents and step parents to understand each other`s challenges and to respect the child`s needs and desires. I am glad to say it worked out well for my son but it did not come easy and it certainly took a step mom with a very kind heart.
Hi, I will check out the "divorce co-parenting" forum, but Im not sure "step parents" should post their because, as you now, problems with divorce are quite negative, and I think that their should be a positive area for "step parents" to write in. Even a "step parent single parenting" section would do. (Thanx for the idea)
I understand the frustration a step parent has, I was and am one. I was also single, I had a 6 year old and a 16 month old at the time, and yes it was hard. I lived and paid rent at a family members house, I took on jobs that I could bring my 16 month old, and I stayed on top of my sons education and had to meet all their needs. It was very hard, but I would not have changed it for the world. Being a single mom helped me learn more appreciatition for the world, and I was able to teach that to my kids. They had fathers involved who took them every other weekend, but at no time did I feel the work I was doing was a reason to have them take my kids. Then I became a step parent, boy I thought I had things nipped in the bud, nope I didnt, it is so easy to lose control of a situation where you have the problem of "out of control" kids. Then bring the mom into the equation, it was like a stirring pot ready to blow. The problem most "step parents" allready have when they decide to make a choice is, the other biological parent that is not in the picture, talking badly about them telling the kids that they dont have to listen to "step parent", the list can go on. So as you call an "intruder" as the step parent, that is really how the step parent feels, because they have "negative" forces surrounding them. However, usually it is the biological parent that is the "intruder" for introducing this negative and hateful way to their children and throwing it back on the "step parent". Exs often go into jealousy, confusion, anger, and use it on their own children which in turn is used on the "step parent". It makes an very unbalanced situation. Then you have this one step parent , doing all the work, and of course as stepparents, we feel as were doing the work alone, it brings us closer to the child and figuring out the needs. A reponsible parent will not teach the child anything, and worse yet, will raise them to think wrong.
Kind hearts and people that focus on children are all around us. This is usually how it goes say a mom writes in and says her 9 yr old son runs around beating her up. The advice is usually this "Check if he has anger problems, add, take him to a counselor" Fair enough right? Then this my 9 yr old "step son" runs around beating me up, the answer is usually as follows "Well, if he had His Mother and His Father together, maybe he wouldnt do that, children need a stable home, maybe You are the reason he is doing it" See the difference, one little word, and all heck breaks loose.
Responsible peole are going to gripe about irresponsible people, no doubt.It should not be any different if its a parent or a step parent. ANy parent that loves a child and is responsible and takes care of their children be praised!! Even if the are single, step, bio, etc. We need these children to suceed. What is it teaching to the kids if a parent can be irresponsible? In my experience, give an irresponsible parent less responsibilities, and they either become more reponsible after awhile, or they live their life and someone else raises their kids. We need these kids to be responsible and to learn it in any way so when they get older, they dont make the same mistakes. Maybe after all this, marriages will becaome a thing of the future, a divorced family may not be able to teach it, but maybe a family with a step parent where their is love can. Maybe a single mom can be responsible enough and strong enough to teach it to her kids too. My kids have 3 step dads, yes 3!! They get the love of the world and are very lucky.We have had our ups and downs getting through the communication barriers and emotions,but above anything, my kids are happy stable and loved. It has been a rough life for all of us, but we will get through, and if I can make one person smile because they are doing good, then thats what I want to do.
PS, I saw something in your post that made a light bulb go off, you might be some good help over here. You mentioned "communication"! Dah, that is probaly the most important information, anyone could give..Im going to ask Rebecca that and see if it helps. Im happy everything worked out for you and your son, he is lucky to have so much love surrounding him. Thanx for writing in!
I understand the frustration a step parent has, I was and am one. I was also single, I had a 6 year old and a 16 month old at the time, and yes it was hard. I lived and paid rent at a family members house, I took on jobs that I could bring my 16 month old, and I stayed on top of my sons education and had to meet all their needs. It was very hard, but I would not have changed it for the world. Being a single mom helped me learn more appreciatition for the world, and I was able to teach that to my kids. They had fathers involved who took them every other weekend, but at no time did I feel the work I was doing was a reason to have them take my kids. Then I became a step parent, boy I thought I had things nipped in the bud, nope I didnt, it is so easy to lose control of a situation where you have the problem of "out of control" kids. Then bring the mom into the equation, it was like a stirring pot ready to blow. The problem most "step parents" allready have when they decide to make a choice is, the other biological parent that is not in the picture, talking badly about them telling the kids that they dont have to listen to "step parent", the list can go on. So as you call an "intruder" as the step parent, that is really how the step parent feels, because they have "negative" forces surrounding them. However, usually it is the biological parent that is the "intruder" for introducing this negative and hateful way to their children and throwing it back on the "step parent". Exs often go into jealousy, confusion, anger, and use it on their own children which in turn is used on the "step parent". It makes an very unbalanced situation. Then you have this one step parent , doing all the work, and of course as stepparents, we feel as were doing the work alone, it brings us closer to the child and figuring out the needs. A reponsible parent will not teach the child anything, and worse yet, will raise them to think wrong.
Kind hearts and people that focus on children are all around us. This is usually how it goes say a mom writes in and says her 9 yr old son runs around beating her up. The advice is usually this "Check if he has anger problems, add, take him to a counselor" Fair enough right? Then this my 9 yr old "step son" runs around beating me up, the answer is usually as follows "Well, if he had His Mother and His Father together, maybe he wouldnt do that, children need a stable home, maybe You are the reason he is doing it" See the difference, one little word, and all heck breaks loose.
Responsible peole are going to gripe about irresponsible people, no doubt.It should not be any different if its a parent or a step parent. ANy parent that loves a child and is responsible and takes care of their children be praised!! Even if the are single, step, bio, etc. We need these children to suceed. What is it teaching to the kids if a parent can be irresponsible? In my experience, give an irresponsible parent less responsibilities, and they either become more reponsible after awhile, or they live their life and someone else raises their kids. We need these kids to be responsible and to learn it in any way so when they get older, they dont make the same mistakes. Maybe after all this, marriages will becaome a thing of the future, a divorced family may not be able to teach it, but maybe a family with a step parent where their is love can. Maybe a single mom can be responsible enough and strong enough to teach it to her kids too. My kids have 3 step dads, yes 3!! They get the love of the world and are very lucky.We have had our ups and downs getting through the communication barriers and emotions,but above anything, my kids are happy stable and loved. It has been a rough life for all of us, but we will get through, and if I can make one person smile because they are doing good, then thats what I want to do.
PS, I saw something in your post that made a light bulb go off, you might be some good help over here. You mentioned "communication"! Dah, that is probaly the most important information, anyone could give..Im going to ask Rebecca that and see if it helps. Im happy everything worked out for you and your son, he is lucky to have so much love surrounding him. Thanx for writing in!
Hey, I read something in Trials reply. Communication! Big word, huge possibilities. Have you been able to communicate with the mother? Can you talk to your husband and she if he can communicate with the mother. Maybe a talk to her about how you feel and her picking up her share when shes supposed to will stop the problem. Ok, let me know!!
I forgot to add something. Are children of married "whole" families allowed to disrespect and not love their parents? The answer is no. So you are suggesting that you see a problem in "step parent " households, you are seeing that the children do not respect nor love the other "intruder".Well how about this, how about it being a balance, how about if the kids can love and respect a "whole" family they can do the same when there is a "step parent".Kids shouldnt have that choice anyways.It just creates confusion. Really how often do you see kids not receiving the emotional comfort for their sadness and emotional upsets in a "whole" family? I would say alot of times. There is no difference whether the family is whole or blended. The same problems exist, and it is the adults responsibility to take handle and control unwanted actions in a child to shape them into future adults.
Yes I called Bri's mom and I was screamed at because she thinks I should do everything for Bri that I do for my 2 boys, that is fine because I do when it is our week but I shouldnt have to on her weeks. And my husband lets her run her mouth and he will just walk away, I cant and wont let her do that to me. I wish I could get along with her mom but she makes it very hard.
Here4. No family is perfect.
No set of parents are perfect.
What is MOST close to perfect is a loving mother and father who are married and focused on the needs of the children.
What is LEAST likely to be perfect is a man and a woman who aren't married and have separate children all living under the same roof, although sometimes the kids are passed around so they don't have a 100% home.
Let me tell you what I typically see on a board like this, and maybe you'll agree this is what you see too.
Bio moms say things like: my son is small for his age, and actually probably hyperactive. He's as sweet as he can be, though, and I love him dearly. I am really worried about how he'll be treated in school when he goes to kindergarten because I guess he has a tendency to have a hard time making friends because he's so bouncy, and also it's hard to get him to brush his teeth. I lay awake nights worrying. HELP.
step moms say things like: my stepson is hyper. He doesn't wash, and he doesn't have any friends. He is here every other weekend and the house is in total chaos when he's here. He's loud, and bouncy, and messy. I'm at the end of my rope, I want to leave when he's here. HELP.
Do you ever hear a biomom write a post like this:
Me and my boyfriend live together and he's the most perfect man I've ever met. I love him forever, he's absolutely perfect and we get along great, he's the man of my dreams. But when my children visit, the whole house comes apart. My children are loud, and messy, and have bad table manners and play Nintendo. They also want to stay up late playing and interrupt our conversations. They're hard to get to go to bed at night. My perfect relationship with my boyfriend is wrecked for me during this time and I'm miserable during their visits. HELP. (Do you ever see biomoms saying that, ever? Is every other post from a stepmom just like that?)
So do you see what I see? When a stepmom writes a post describing specific symptoms and asking for help, or expresses love, and asks for guidance, I think they get treated very well here. It's the moms who are irritated and just wish the kids would vanish and stop taking up her time that make my head fly off. I know some stepmoms are really trying, and really loving, and kudos to them. The complaints I see, and the outrageous expectations I see, are more typical.
Best wishes.
No set of parents are perfect.
What is MOST close to perfect is a loving mother and father who are married and focused on the needs of the children.
What is LEAST likely to be perfect is a man and a woman who aren't married and have separate children all living under the same roof, although sometimes the kids are passed around so they don't have a 100% home.
Let me tell you what I typically see on a board like this, and maybe you'll agree this is what you see too.
Bio moms say things like: my son is small for his age, and actually probably hyperactive. He's as sweet as he can be, though, and I love him dearly. I am really worried about how he'll be treated in school when he goes to kindergarten because I guess he has a tendency to have a hard time making friends because he's so bouncy, and also it's hard to get him to brush his teeth. I lay awake nights worrying. HELP.
step moms say things like: my stepson is hyper. He doesn't wash, and he doesn't have any friends. He is here every other weekend and the house is in total chaos when he's here. He's loud, and bouncy, and messy. I'm at the end of my rope, I want to leave when he's here. HELP.
Do you ever hear a biomom write a post like this:
Me and my boyfriend live together and he's the most perfect man I've ever met. I love him forever, he's absolutely perfect and we get along great, he's the man of my dreams. But when my children visit, the whole house comes apart. My children are loud, and messy, and have bad table manners and play Nintendo. They also want to stay up late playing and interrupt our conversations. They're hard to get to go to bed at night. My perfect relationship with my boyfriend is wrecked for me during this time and I'm miserable during their visits. HELP. (Do you ever see biomoms saying that, ever? Is every other post from a stepmom just like that?)
So do you see what I see? When a stepmom writes a post describing specific symptoms and asking for help, or expresses love, and asks for guidance, I think they get treated very well here. It's the moms who are irritated and just wish the kids would vanish and stop taking up her time that make my head fly off. I know some stepmoms are really trying, and really loving, and kudos to them. The complaints I see, and the outrageous expectations I see, are more typical.
Best wishes.
rebbecca - how would you like to change places with Brianna for a year?
You be her, and she can be you.
Really imagine it. Does it sound like a comfortable swap for you - would you like to be in her shoes?
(Please don't answer by saying how much you hate her lazy mother).
You be her, and she can be you.
Really imagine it. Does it sound like a comfortable swap for you - would you like to be in her shoes?
(Please don't answer by saying how much you hate her lazy mother).
I lived Bri's life as a child, so what the hell do you really want to know now. And I turned out pretty damn good and I had a stepmom from hell and I would never do that to Brianna.
RockRose wrote:
"...Bio moms say things like: my son is small for his age, and actually probably hyperactive. He's as sweet as he can be, though, and I love him dearly. I am really worried about how he'll be treated in school when he goes to kindergarten because I guess he has a tendency to have a hard time making friends because he's so bouncy, and also it's hard to get him to brush his teeth. I lay awake nights worrying. HELP.
step moms say things like: my stepson is hyper. He doesn't wash, and he doesn't have any friends. He is here every other weekend and the house is in total chaos when he's here. He's loud, and bouncy, and messy. I'm at the end of my rope, I want to leave when he's here. HELP.
Do you ever hear a biomom write a post like this:
Me and my boyfriend live together and he's the most perfect man I've ever met. I love him forever, he's absolutely perfect and we get along great, he's the man of my dreams. But when my children visit, the whole house comes apart. My children are loud, and messy, and have bad table manners and play Nintendo. They also want to stay up late playing and interrupt our conversations. They're hard to get to go to bed at night. My perfect relationship with my boyfriend is wrecked for me during this time and I'm miserable during their visits. HELP. (Do you ever see biomoms saying that, ever? Is every other post from a stepmom just like that?) ..."
That is so true! I have seen the odd stepmother post a loving request to help a little one struggling, but it's way, way, way too often the way you described. It's incredibly sad.
"...Bio moms say things like: my son is small for his age, and actually probably hyperactive. He's as sweet as he can be, though, and I love him dearly. I am really worried about how he'll be treated in school when he goes to kindergarten because I guess he has a tendency to have a hard time making friends because he's so bouncy, and also it's hard to get him to brush his teeth. I lay awake nights worrying. HELP.
step moms say things like: my stepson is hyper. He doesn't wash, and he doesn't have any friends. He is here every other weekend and the house is in total chaos when he's here. He's loud, and bouncy, and messy. I'm at the end of my rope, I want to leave when he's here. HELP.
Do you ever hear a biomom write a post like this:
Me and my boyfriend live together and he's the most perfect man I've ever met. I love him forever, he's absolutely perfect and we get along great, he's the man of my dreams. But when my children visit, the whole house comes apart. My children are loud, and messy, and have bad table manners and play Nintendo. They also want to stay up late playing and interrupt our conversations. They're hard to get to go to bed at night. My perfect relationship with my boyfriend is wrecked for me during this time and I'm miserable during their visits. HELP. (Do you ever see biomoms saying that, ever? Is every other post from a stepmom just like that?) ..."
That is so true! I have seen the odd stepmother post a loving request to help a little one struggling, but it's way, way, way too often the way you described. It's incredibly sad.
rebbecca - I know you reject everything I say, but I'm not the least surprised you had a stepmom from hell. Not the least.
And I'm not saying you're the stepmom from hell. I'm saying you could be the stepmom from heaven, and as it is, you're putting in your 1/2 time and refusing to do one little bit more. I swear, maternal patterning is everything, and what you learned about how to be a stepmom as a child, although you state you reject it, has influenced the way you treat that child.
When you were on the phone screaming at Brianna's mother, do you think your husband smiled to himself and thought "thank GOD I married that woman!" No, he didn't. Do you think it' doesn't hurt him that you are locked horns with Bri's mother, and that despite your protests to the contrary, you don't treat her the way you treat your boys. Treating her that way by the calendar, one week on and one week off, isn't the same at all.
Mothers who had a cold uncaring mother have SUCH a struggle being warm and loving. I would go out on a limb and say the same thing for stepmoms. You repeat the pattern, even though you try not to and don't think you are.
And I'm not saying you're the stepmom from hell. I'm saying you could be the stepmom from heaven, and as it is, you're putting in your 1/2 time and refusing to do one little bit more. I swear, maternal patterning is everything, and what you learned about how to be a stepmom as a child, although you state you reject it, has influenced the way you treat that child.
When you were on the phone screaming at Brianna's mother, do you think your husband smiled to himself and thought "thank GOD I married that woman!" No, he didn't. Do you think it' doesn't hurt him that you are locked horns with Bri's mother, and that despite your protests to the contrary, you don't treat her the way you treat your boys. Treating her that way by the calendar, one week on and one week off, isn't the same at all.
Mothers who had a cold uncaring mother have SUCH a struggle being warm and loving. I would go out on a limb and say the same thing for stepmoms. You repeat the pattern, even though you try not to and don't think you are.
What is wrong with you????????? MY husband was laughing when as you typed locking horns. Yes my husband thanks GOD EVERYDAY that he married a women with a back bone that wont take no **** off of anyone.
No one has stood up to her and told her how they feel about parenting Brianna and Im not ashamed of doing it and yes until that night me and her mom got along very good. Dont try to type what you think my life was and how I turn out to be a parent step or not . So no I dont have a problem being warm and loving toward my family.
No one has stood up to her and told her how they feel about parenting Brianna and Im not ashamed of doing it and yes until that night me and her mom got along very good. Dont try to type what you think my life was and how I turn out to be a parent step or not . So no I dont have a problem being warm and loving toward my family.
rebecca wrote:
"...No one has stood up to her and told her how they feel about parenting Brianna and Im not ashamed of doing it... "
Why do you think it's so wonderful to stand up and tell her what you think? Do you REALLY think she cares? Is she suddenly going to change her whole outlook on life because you did that? Confronting her is totally ridiculous and pointless and a complete waste of energy. Your energy would be much better spent focusing positively and UNCONDITIONALLY on Brianna without using a score card with her mother. Like RockRose said, don't think for a minute she doesn't realize that you are loving, wonderful, and supportive only when it's your "turn" to be such.
"...No one has stood up to her and told her how they feel about parenting Brianna and Im not ashamed of doing it... "
Why do you think it's so wonderful to stand up and tell her what you think? Do you REALLY think she cares? Is she suddenly going to change her whole outlook on life because you did that? Confronting her is totally ridiculous and pointless and a complete waste of energy. Your energy would be much better spent focusing positively and UNCONDITIONALLY on Brianna without using a score card with her mother. Like RockRose said, don't think for a minute she doesn't realize that you are loving, wonderful, and supportive only when it's your "turn" to be such.
No, I'm not a stepmom. I've been married 22 years, and my parents have been married 50 years this February, and my parents in law have been married 56 years last month. All my three boys are both my husbands and mine.
I do see a lot of hideous blended families, though, and a few really good caring ones. Right now I'm trying to put together a birthday party for my youngest, and it's an overnighter and I"m dealing with two sets of parents who are just ridiculous.
No he can't go, this is my week and you're friends with the mom's side of the family. The other stepmother always never relays messages to the biomom, like don't forget we're actually leaving an hour earlier. I do know a couple stepmoms who are Mother Teresa's, truly caring and they treat their steps the way they treat their own.
But by and large, the kids get screwed. Different sets of rules at different houses, and the opposing moms are sabotaging each other. Chaos, and sad.
I do see a lot of hideous blended families, though, and a few really good caring ones. Right now I'm trying to put together a birthday party for my youngest, and it's an overnighter and I"m dealing with two sets of parents who are just ridiculous.
No he can't go, this is my week and you're friends with the mom's side of the family. The other stepmother always never relays messages to the biomom, like don't forget we're actually leaving an hour earlier. I do know a couple stepmoms who are Mother Teresa's, truly caring and they treat their steps the way they treat their own.
But by and large, the kids get screwed. Different sets of rules at different houses, and the opposing moms are sabotaging each other. Chaos, and sad.
I want to add something to my last post. It sounds like I'm saying because of all these lifelong marriages, and no step kids, that I think my family is better than anyone else's, who have blended families.
That's not what I'm saying. I was trying to point out and back up my point from before, that if you grow up watching a style of parenting it's much easier to do. Because my husband and I come from families whose parents put all their effort into getting along and staying strong and staying together, it's second nature to us to do that too.
When you see it patterened, it's easy to do it - almost hard NOT to follow the pattern.
Best wishes.
That's not what I'm saying. I was trying to point out and back up my point from before, that if you grow up watching a style of parenting it's much easier to do. Because my husband and I come from families whose parents put all their effort into getting along and staying strong and staying together, it's second nature to us to do that too.
When you see it patterened, it's easy to do it - almost hard NOT to follow the pattern.
Best wishes.
We are getting the full band width in this thread, it is like a glimpse of the multitude of life scenarios that we find today. I understand where each of you is coming from. There are always masters and losers on both sides of the spectrum of parenting, bio or step, married or not. The real art after divorce is to maintain continuity, predictability and a sense of home in a child`s life, with love obviously. That is all that counts, regardless whether it is provided by step parents or bio parents. However, chances are that these values are harder to live if there are new partners, step parents and changes in the home environment. A child`s trust needs to be earned and that is hard. It can easily happen that a child feels homeless at home. Just by watching my son, I realized how much truly undivided attention he needs and deserves on a daily basis so first of all I decided not to have any new partner in my life, period. Second, I made sure his bio dad would remain in his life, even if initially reluctantly. He has a really great new wife. Third, I set up "business meetings" with his dad on a regular basis on neutral ground so we could both voice each other`s concerns if there were any -and that includes that his new wife lets him be the messenger for whatever upsets or delights her. Even though we did have bad arguments and distrust about each other`s motives at some point, the path has been cleared. We found compromises in parenting styles but most of all we respect our son`s well-being. He is not always in the mood to leave our "home base" or his neighborhood friends, so we let him decide where he likes to be each week. That way he does not feel transplanted against his will and is quite happy to do the "other-home" trip on his own terms. I am writing this to point out it takes a lot of good team players to accomplish all this but despite things having gone pretty well so far, I can tell that my son is a bit more restless and questioning than his pals who live in regular mom-and-dad families. I will write back in 10 years and let you know how he turns out.
Hi, hehe, look at this mess. Well I can stay focused through all of this bickering. You know what, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYTHING!! Thats right, who cares what you are really, you are taking care of someones elses child and that is wonderful. If the mother wants to rant and rave, she can, but no matter what, your married to her husband. Not her!! So she cant control one thing that you do. If you make the decision that you do not want to be responsible doing her work, then you tell her. You have every right to tell her that if she does not want that responsibility, then things will have to change. Then you and your husband go to court and file paper work to get full custody of Bri with visitations every other weekend, that way she will have a better home with parents that want to take care of her, and her mommy can play "Magic Mountain Mommy" on the weekend.It will be less stressful for your husband and you, and Bri wont get stuck in the middle by her mom anymore. When her mom can grow up and be more responsible, then slowly she can have more time. Her mother shouldnt have had children if she was going to be so irresponsible. See, its a damn good thing that you are around to be a responsible loving person!!
PS dont let the "badgers" get to you, they have nothing better to do and there kids are all grown..
PS dont let the "badgers" get to you, they have nothing better to do and there kids are all grown..
I will not be responsible for making you anymore angry at your life and the world, I have my own wonderful life and mission right now. Im sorry all your kids are grown and you didnt learn how to be nice to others, I have had mine for 12 years, and they are wonderful! If only you would shared your good knowledge would you be worthy for this board. Im sorry it didnt work out for you, happiness, honesty and positive thoughts will overcome any situation, maybe you have something you need to talk about? Are you sad right now? I wonder, why do you spend so much time writing on this forum? I was introduced to it when I was pregnant with my last baby, I found alot of interesting topics on here concerning my medical problems. I have started to get sick again so Im back heating pad and strong mind in hand. Plus I have other things going on that I need information on, oh its like therapy. Is this like therapy to you? Or do you just find yourself bullying everyone? You know, maybe it is, you give advice on ADD and ADHD alot. Do you have kids with those conditions? Im not real familar with those things, but I could learn simply by reading up on it if you need an ear yourself?? I dont see why you want to spread negative vibes everywhere. Do you? Let me know, now I am real interested in your story..
I can see an awful lot of validity in what you are saying. I counsel families everyday who once a divorce is upon them, noone matters but the adults. It is true that the court systems look more at parent rights than children's rights. I do believe in most cases it is best for biological parents to be together. I also see exceptions to this rule. In my own family, I am both a bio and step mother. However, I only use the "step" term for the purposes of the forum because we do not use it in our home. My son knows I am his "step" mom, but I have been with him since he was 1 1/2 years old (he's 11 now). His bio mom used to tell him how horrible I was because I was a "stepmom", he told a kid at school one day that it was sad that he didn't have a "stepmom" because they are way better than "real moms". He decided that I was just his mom, plain and simple. For years there was a battle with his bio mom, she would take him out to men's houses, parties, you name it, and have him sleeping in a back room. We spent years of anguish, trying to reason with her on her weekends, we would switch days with her, whatever we could do to make sure that our son was safe, and she could have him when she had time. She never would take us up on this and thank
God it was only every other weekend because we would've probably fell apart. The reason I'm saying all of this is my husband was young and stupid and got this girl pregnant within 2 weeks of knowing her. I'm certainly not sorry, because our son is one of the three most precious things to me. But once my husband got to know this person, he realized that a relationship with her, which he tried, would only be detrimental to T (our son). This woman was physically and verbally abusive to my husband as well as verbally so to T. He was afraid of T going through life experiencing this. We are married, and have been for 9 1/2 years. We have another child of our own, who I was afriad when I was pregnant with her that I might not be able to love her as much as I love T, of course I do, but it was one of those weird mom fears. We used to argue with bio mom, now we try everything we can to make peace, for T. He knows that we do this because we love him.
All of this is just to say that yes, biological families are typically better for a child, sometimes they're not. It would be great if young people were raised with the mind set that marriage is forever, not until they change their mind. Children suffer tremendously because of this mind set. Enter step-parents and bonds are made and broken without anyone giving a thought to the child's feelings. This said, there are many great step-parents, and many extremely horrible ones. My belief is that when you marry someone with a child, you are accepting that child as your own. When I thought about marrying my husband I sat down with my closest confidant and had a serious discussion about whether or not I would be able to love this step-child as much as my own biological children when I had them. If my answer would have been no, I couldn't, I never would have married him. It would not be right for a child to feel unwelcome in their own home. They should have a safe place to be, or two safe places, but wherever they are they should feel as if they are loved unconditionally and the time that they spend there is precious.
Sorry for the long post
God it was only every other weekend because we would've probably fell apart. The reason I'm saying all of this is my husband was young and stupid and got this girl pregnant within 2 weeks of knowing her. I'm certainly not sorry, because our son is one of the three most precious things to me. But once my husband got to know this person, he realized that a relationship with her, which he tried, would only be detrimental to T (our son). This woman was physically and verbally abusive to my husband as well as verbally so to T. He was afraid of T going through life experiencing this. We are married, and have been for 9 1/2 years. We have another child of our own, who I was afriad when I was pregnant with her that I might not be able to love her as much as I love T, of course I do, but it was one of those weird mom fears. We used to argue with bio mom, now we try everything we can to make peace, for T. He knows that we do this because we love him.
All of this is just to say that yes, biological families are typically better for a child, sometimes they're not. It would be great if young people were raised with the mind set that marriage is forever, not until they change their mind. Children suffer tremendously because of this mind set. Enter step-parents and bonds are made and broken without anyone giving a thought to the child's feelings. This said, there are many great step-parents, and many extremely horrible ones. My belief is that when you marry someone with a child, you are accepting that child as your own. When I thought about marrying my husband I sat down with my closest confidant and had a serious discussion about whether or not I would be able to love this step-child as much as my own biological children when I had them. If my answer would have been no, I couldn't, I never would have married him. It would not be right for a child to feel unwelcome in their own home. They should have a safe place to be, or two safe places, but wherever they are they should feel as if they are loved unconditionally and the time that they spend there is precious.
Sorry for the long post
Before I get in trouble for siding with RockRose.lol. I just want to point out that she does make some valid points...RockRose I think that giving some of the step-parents the benefit of the doubt though is a good thing. I agree their's some that don't seem to deserve it, but think of how much help you could give by giving positive advice of how they can make positive changes, rather than letting them know all they're doing wrong. Just a thought
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Child Behavior Community
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments
