URGENT: How do I tell a parent about something disturbing their child did?

[luv_my_babies]

URGENT: How do I tell a parent about something disturbing their child did?
I am babysitting for multiple children this summer and one of them has exhibited a couple disturbing tendencies. This child is 10 yrs old, and I have recently found out that he can be violent. Not from his parents, but through some of his family members. I knew about a couple incidents before I agreed to watch him, but wrote them off as "boys will be boys", because they were not severe in nature (wrestling, arguing...not out of the ordinary). What I found disturbing was after he exited my bathroom, I went in to use it myself and found that he had smeared feces on my sink cabinet and also in the toilet basin, like he had reached in and played with it. I took note of it and decided not to call him on it so as not to embarass him. An hour later the same thing happened again, and again I did not call him on it. I fear that this is significant, but I am not a mental health professional. What can I do? How do I talk to his parents?

  

[margypops]

I totally agree with mrwjd, you should mention it to the parents, its possible he needs more positive attention, he is making a statement , someone needs to listen to it, his parents will want to talk to him and find out why he did it.

[mrwjd]

You are not a mental health professional, but I am--or was, before retirement.  So I'm going to say things you already know, and validate your observations, and then you are going to have the courage to do what you know you have to do.  (How's that for arrogance?)

Nothing you say will be news to the parents, so be polite but firm, and don't worry about their feelings.  This kid has real problems that you can't fix, they know it, and they were irresponsible in not telling you before you innocently walked into it.  You are responsible for the safety and health of other children, this child puts them at risk, and you are much too smart to need another parent's complaint to the health department to tell you that.  

This boy did not "misbehave" nor did he "misunderstand"--you don't for a moment think he does this at home or elsewhere without being told it's wrong, do you?  This is 'way outside normal testing of boundaries for a 10-year-old (and classically indicative of things they need to find out from their own child psychologist).  Neither you nor the parents can control his aberrations, and the other children including your own are much more immediately at risk than you may imagine.  Even if for some reason he behaved normally for a day or more, the risk is still there and the effort to keep up a normal front makes it that much more explosive.

You may want to suggest they try a therapeutic day care--it is obviously the best placement for him, but apparently they aren't going to do it until they run out of cheaper options.  Helping them run out of options by refusing to keep him is the best thing you can do for them and him.

Don't feel I am being unfair to the boy.  He deserves the help he requires and, at 10, had better get pretty soon, you and the other children deserve to be safe, and the parents need to be responsible.  

[LRM1021]

Your responsibility is to tell the parents what happened, and what you did about it. Regardless of whether or not this is indicative of a serious mental health problem, its a PUBLIC health problem-- you have other children in your care and you need to think about sanitation for their sake.I would bring it up matter of factly and work with them on a plan to get the behavior to stop-- and treat it like any other behavior issue that you have in your day care. If the issue becomes chronic or escalates, he may not be able to be there.

Next is just my opinion

Children who have ADHD and/or ODD sometimes do this. Its an impulse control thing. Violent behavior falls in this spectrum as well-- again the impulse control thing. His parents probably know that there is something going on with him, and did not tell you because they did not think that the behavior is extreme-- which you yourself have mentioned that nothing you heard was extreme. Its hard for parents of children who have issues to bring them up ALL the time-- you feel like you are setting your kid up for failure every time a new situation arises.

Again, as his caretaker you have to watch for his safety and the safety of the other children you watch. If he is too much to handle then you have to ask the parents to find another place for him. But I would, if I were you, start off by telling them what you found, and why you need them to help you make sure it does not continue. Could be just a "new space" issue that goes away....

Good luck.

[April2]

It sounds like he was looking for a reaction from you for some reason. Maybe for the shock value? It's too bad you didn't do anything about it. The next time it happens you need to calmly tell him that what he has done is unnacceptable and make him clean it up. Give him gloves, cleaning supplies, etc. and moniter him cleaning it up. Tell him if he does it again that he will lose a priviledge for that day, something that is important to him, like playing video games.
I'm not sure I'd tell the parents at this point since you let time go by on this one. He may claim innocence or not remember. You can sit him down and tell him calmly that if it happens again that not only will he be cleaning it up and losing a priviledge but that you will be telling his parents too. Let him protest all he wants. Just state what will happen and leave it at that. Don't argue with him. Don't get into a power struggle with him. He will try to deny, deny, deny. He'll also try to upset you and get you to lose control. It's important that you remain in control here and be the authority figure. You don't want to act afraid of him either. He will pick up on that and enjoy it because it gives him control. Just address the issue and leave it at that. Don't try to defend or argue or anything. You must maintain the upperhand here. If you can do that I think he will start to have more respect for you. It's also a good idea to post some rules where the kids can see them and go over them.
Best wishes.
April

[browneyedmama]

wow... that is a tough situtation!  i know that if that were my child, i would definately want to know about it ASAP! i would sit them down and tell them that you are concerned about him and tell them what he did. i wouldnt want to be in your situation, thats for sure. good luck, and please let me know how it goes. maybe they wont be surprised about what he's done, theres a possibility that he is doing it at home. i really feel that this child needs help.