Only Child

[onlydaughterashley]

My daughter is 7 years old and she is the only child that my husband and I habe together.  My stepson is 18 years old and he lives with us and the two of them get along fine.  The problem is my daughter wants all the attention all the time.  When my husband and I are trying to have a conversation or watch television together, She starts acting out and jumping all over us and says that we love each other more than we love her.  If either of us are home with just her, she is fine but the moment we are both in the home, she tries to divide us.  Is this normal for a child that has a large age between siblings to behave?  What can we do to assure that we adore and love her very much but sometimes we need quiet time together?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I think this is pretty normal for seven year olds.  I have two kids that are 7 and 8.  Kids of this age do really want to be the center of their parents universe.  Mine pretty much are but I do need from time to time to discuss things with my husband or have some time with him.

I'm proactive in the spending time with the kids.  I plan a lot of quality time with the kids---  me and them and me, them and my husband, all of us.  Making outings, plans, movie night for all of us or game night . . .  well, that helps me say "hey, we are having movie night in a half hour, so I need a few minutes to talk to dad first."  

That strategy really helps me.  I probably wouldn't punish my child for wanting my attention but instead help them learn to not interrupt and to be patient.  Basic manners.  Encouraging them really goes a long way to do that.  I hold up my finger and say "dad and I need to talk, can you give us until X on the clock?  Go read that book I got you or play until then,okay?"  

I wouldn't make it a big deal but take the time you and your husband need.  Preoccupy her in the mean time.  

We keep a bed time that is reasonable----  and have our alone time after that.  That's how we handle it anyway.    

Oh, and don't forget . . .  babysitters!  Dates are a wonderful thing for a couple.  

Wishing you lots of luck.  The truth is, this time is fleeting.  Try not to be bothered by her neediness because the time will come in which she'll act like she wants nothing to do with you!  But DO teach her the manners she needs so that you and your husband can be partners at home . . .  manners include giving people physical space, not interrupting, being patient.  lots of luck

[nursegirl6572]

If you are giving her equal attention, then you need to start being firm with her.  Explain that there are times you will spend with her, and then times you will spend with each other.  Explain that that is important to having a loving and successful marriage, pointing out that she is very lucky to have two parents who are happy and so much in love with each other, that you still value spending time with one another.  Heck, with the divorce rates...most kids would be thrilled to have you guys as parents!

I would say that when you guys decide you want to watch a movie, or play a game, whatever...you make it clear that it is time for her to entertain herself.  Make her go to her room (not as in a punishment, but to play, etc), or outside, or some other room in the house.  That will send a clear message that it is YOUR adult time, and she is to entertain herself.  Obviously, make sure the length of time is reasonable.  Two hours or so is reasonable, 4 or 5 isn't (as I'm sure you already know).  

Then, be sure you are communicating with her when there will be family time.  For example, "Honey, we're going to watch a movie tonight, but tomorrow, we are all going to dinner and mini golf".  Don't use family time as a bargaining chip, don't tell her IF she allows you guys to watch a movie in peace, you'll do something with her.  That gives the wrong message.  If she continues to be disruptive during the "adult" time, then there should be some kind of punishment.

I think if you're consistent, eventually she'll get the message.