Sexual behavior in young children

[tumpitover]

I am a mother of two boys, ages 6 and 3 1/2.  Last August when my oldest son was 5, my sister and I caught he and his male cousin age 3 at the time (now 4) sucking each others penises.  This happened on several different occassions.  My youngest was involved in some of this activity as well; however, it was only with his cousin and not brother.  The activity between my youngest and his cousin were lying on top of one another and the like.  After the third time of catching my oldest and his cousin, I called my children's prediatrician and she said that this was not something children of this age usually think of on their own.  She reported the incidents to Child Protection Services.  In January of this year they came to my and my sister's homes and then met with my oldest and his cousin separately to see if they could find out anything further.  They determined no abuse had occurred and said it was probably just them exploring and closed the case.  

My children's father and I are married and have been since before they were born.  My children are and have not ever been exposed to pornography or sexually explicit material.  We do not have any type of this material in our home and neither does my sister (who is married to my nephew's father) that I am aware of.  There has been no physical, mental or emotional abuse to any of the children.  

I have discussed primarily with my 6 year old time and again about parts of our bodies being private and that no one is to touch them and if someone does he should tell mama or daddy.  All seemed to be going well until the last couple of weeks when the behavior started again between my 6 year old and his 4 year old cousin.  Then it started involving my 3 1/2 year old and all of them would "play" at the same time.  Tonight I caught my 6 year old and his 3 1/2 year old brother naked in my bed and found out that they were kissing booties and penises.  I left them in my bedroom watching "The Land Before Time" and was in the kitchen for no more than 5 minutes when for some reason I got suspicious.  When I asked my oldest why they were doing this he said he didn't know.  They were laughing and giggling when I found them and weren't necessarily embarrassed about being caught; however, when I sat my oldest down, I could tell he knew he shouldn't be doing it.  He also didn't tell me the truth initially but did about 5 minutes later.  Again, I told both children that this behavior was not good and out bodies are private.  I have never punished my children for this behavior but they know when they get caught that it is unacceptable.    

I am very distraught at this point because I'm not sure what to do.  I have a very, very tight circle.  My children never go spend the night with friends and have only spent the night with my parents a handful of times.  I am certain there is no physical abuse going on within the confines of my home.  My youngest does go to preschool and my oldest is in elementary school.  This behavior started right about the time my oldest was getting ready to enter elementary or had just entered elementary.  The children at his school never go anywhere in the school by themselves.  They always have a buddy.  The school is top notch and monitored closely.  My oldest does attend an after school program because I work but I've checked with the director about inappropriate behavior going on at the center and she says none has ever been reported of this nature.  The bathrooms are monitored at the center and all the kindergarteners stay together in one room for the most part with supervision.  

This most recent incident was the third in less than two weeks.  I need some advice on whether we need to see a counselor for this behavior.  I don't want this to scar my children and nephew for life.  I am desperate and have no idea what to do at this point.  My oldest does not exhibit any of this behavior at school.  He is a good student although sometimes a bit too talkative and active.  My husband and I just need some input.

Sorry this is so long but I want to make sure the background is there.  Thanks.  

[aid821]

In response to your post, i was merely suggesting that boys can become curious about their bodies and sometimes their natural curiousity is to explore with another individual, and that because his cousin is a close member of the family, may have felt comfortable to explore. At no point did i condone it or mentioned sitting there and 'watching two boys playing with each other' was acceptable.

Additionally, yes this type of behaviour is displayed if sexual abuse has occured, but was coming from the actual poster's perpective that she is sure that sexual abuse had not occured. I was simply giving the poster an idea into why this behaviour may be happening.

My worry is for you thinking homosexual behaviour is not normal, in children no it's exploratory, in adults? how blatantly homophobic, no wonder we can't break down barriers in society with viewpoints like that.

[Sully74]

Uh, I disagree with the above response completely.  I find your response very disturbing.  I find your behavior of watching two young boys playing with each other very disturbing.  

This is not normal at all!  Exploring might be touching themselves or the others, but does not involve sucking on or kissing body parts and should be stopped.  If it requires paddling them, then do it.  If it requires grounding them, do it.  If it requires cutting them off from seeing their cousins, do it.  

The more serious problem seems to be where this was learned, and that type of behavior is learned.  1st and 2nd graders don't think of kissing or sucking eachothers privates on their own.  It seems to me that one of your nephews has been or is being exposed to homosexual behavior and that is not normal at all.

If this is allowed to continue, your boys will think homosexual behavior is normal and acceptable.  If it continues, explain to them that God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve and that God will send them to hell if they continue that behavior.  (and for all those people who will post you are born that way - BS, it is a choice, you are not born to be a sinner, one choices to sin, that's why her son knows the behavior was WRONG)

The biggest concern should be to find out who taught the children about this type of behavior.  Could have been someone like liquid4444 who babysits the kids, could be a teacher at school, or another child at school who is abused.  The source needs to be found, so that the child that is being abused can be protected.

[aid821]

First of all, i think you have done all the right things by means of trying to stop the behaviour occuring. I also agree that it is exploratory behaviour being exhibited between you son and his cousin.

This is jsut off the top of my head but i think boys get to the age where they realise that someone else has a penis just like they have, and due to the closeness of the family (i.e. cousin) they feel comfortable enough to explore.

I do think in some cases where sexual abuse has occured, these behaviour are exhibited but in your case with no history, i don't think you need to worry about that. Additionally, boys at that don't age know what homosexuality is, that boys are not supposed to touch each other etc  (in other words they are unknowingly doing it) and it's all a learning experience.

My suggestion would be to keep monitoring play between your son and nephew and keep reinforcing the behaviour you expect (as tiresome as it is sometimes!) and perhaps have a word to your 3.5 year old and get him to report to you if it occurs with him. You might also want to google 'freud's stages of development'. may give you another insight.

[Liquid4444]

Your account of the incidents were very good. I believe the activity you described is very normal between boys and it is nothing more then exploritory. Boys hear from other boys about kissing peepees and get curious and try it out on the most available boy. I am sure they will grow out of it. But it should be monitored and watched. When they start interacting with outside chldren, they should be forwarned that this type of behavior is totally unacceptable with other children. And they and you could get into lots of trouble. If they require an example of trouble, give them one where they can get taken away from home. Tell this to the oldest as he would understand better. I have encountered such behavior while watching a friends two boys and I just let them go and told her about it afterwards. They were totally naked and were touching each other's penis. The were giggling and laughing. It didn't appear to be anything sexual. My friend said that they have just started doing that and thanked me for not putting in my voice to them on the subject. But I did watch them for safety sake.