Temper Tantrums and Impulse Control in 6yo

[mommiegeek]

I am at the end of my rope with my daughter. She is six years old and in the first grade. She is described (by teachers, doctors, etc) as a "bright, sweet girl" but . . .

She is prone to these temper tantrum/rages. If she doesn't get what she wants, if she hears a no, if she has to wait on something, if she gets frustrated, if she is not the center of attention the water works start. The tears and crying are mild in comparison to the angry, escalating reactions. For example, when the teacher did not call on her, she got upset, kicked her desk, pushed it away, yelled out, screamed and cried and eventually hurt herself by flailing before the teacher could get to her and get her out of the classroom.

Another time, she was in "cool down" in the hallway because she was already upset and crying and she got angry and threw her eyeglasses and stomped her feet.

At home, she will throw toys, clothes, stomp feet, beat the walls and scream that "I hate you," to her father and I.

Since school has started, she has been taken out of class and put in "cool out" in the principal's office three times. School has been in session for three weeks, and the three visits to "cool out" were within a span of five days.

She is told the rules before hand, and when she breaks them, it is explained what she did wrong and she acknowledges it. ("I yelled at Daddy. That wasn't nice.") However, when she is punished (sent to bed, privileges revoked) she will instantly not accept the blame. Instead it becomes my fault, my husband's fault, the teacher's fault, anyone's fault but hers. And we are doing it not because she did something wrong, but because "you're mean and you don't love me."

These attacks are not infrequent. They happen regularly at least every other day. My husband and I don't know what to do. We recently moved and she started a new school, but she had these problems before the move and school change, however, so I don't believe that is all of her problem.

Are there any suggestions to help us? We have an appointment scheduled for a psychologist but that's two weeks out. Could there be something medical that I could ask her family physician to look at? Am I missing anything or are there other details and information I should be gathering to give to her psychologist when we go?

[babygirl6152]

SO how did she do this week? at school?
Right then. you have already ruled out the meds, since the behavior happened prior. 7:30 for bedtime is pretty awesome.

A conscience should be clearly formed by age 7 or 8. If she is still blaming others for her actions by then, I would really be concerned.  I am so happy you are going to see a psychologist. I know that it is human nature to almost "want" the doctor to find something wrong with her so you can feel you will have something tangible to work through.

The only other suggestion I have is this/ her learning to think things through on her own and it takes  a lot of patience as parents to do this. It will be hard:
After a meltdown have the child sit on the couch with zero distractions and ask her to think out what she has done that is unacceptable. Tell her you are not happy with her actions and you want her to guess why
Do not go back to her in TWO minutes. Give her at least 15-30 minutes to think through this. It's thinking time. After all that, she still needs to think of a way to reconcile her behavior....what could she do to make things right? example: apologize to teacher- apologize to class for the outburst- but she gets to come up with the consequence for the most part. You may have to help her the first few times but it should not be FAST- She needs time to really examine her conscience and feel true penitence. Otherwise it's just a quick fix and you are still the one fixing her. She sounds so smart- I bet she can do this. Now here's the hard part. Dinner will come up, or bedtime, or piano lessons.  Those things can wait. It will not be the end of the world to mess up a few scheduled activities.
My father was the eldest of 4 boys. He ended up helping raise them. He was much older and took on the disciplinary role. He gave long talks and lectures and tried to teach them how to do better. He said his brothers would say "Could you just hit me and get it over with please?" LOL This takes time and patience- the lecturing and the examination and the reconciliation parts can al l be done with little emotion on the parent's parts. You are modeling perfect rational behavior. Always end the evening or the thinking part and calmly ask- "What did you learn"?

I am interested- we can talk about this if you want- I know it must be hard.

[mommiegeek]

Her allergist prescribed the Claritin combined with Nasonex. She has really horrid allergies and that's actually improved with the combined regimine of the two medications.  I only give her the Benadryl as needed, like when her eyes are really itchy or she's really congested and I know she'll have trouble sleeping. We saw this behavior before the Claritin and Nasonex started as well.

We're lucky that she's getting the amount of sleep that she is, so I'm not sure we can manage 12; we'd be lucky to do 11. Our schedules require that she's up by 6AM (so that DH and I can get to work on time and she can get to before-care). On a good day, we're home by 5PM (if there's no gymnastics or swimming which she absolutely adores), dinner is done by 6PM, and she's had her bath/shower and is in her jammies by 7/7:30PM. But then there's still math and reading review and it's very important to us that she also gets quiet quality time with one or both of us - playing a quiet game, reading a book, watching a favorite short video, whatever.

Unfortunately, this is one of the problems with today's overworked, overscheduled society. There's no time left for family if you adhere to the sleep need requirements suggested

[babygirl6152]

I am not the only one that seen this with Benadry and other OTC antihistamines. Other mothers have noticed how mean our children got after day (or evening) 3 of administering this stuff. I have seen doctors commenting that it doesn't affect behavior but I can't believe it. Too many of us notice it. I think it is sort of a hangover effect. I have it the morning after I take cold meds if I don't sleep it off- maybe takes 10 hours...... I turn in to a real Bit@ the NEXT day. and I am usually Mary Poppins.

Try claritin with no more bendaryl?
Try zyrtec and 11-12 hours sleep?
Try Nasonex only? and no oral meds- maybe for a week and see if behavior changes?

Pituitary gland as I said- is for growth. It kicks in when there is REM sleep. The only way to evaluate is staying awake all night to observe if she has "apnea" or ask her if she dreams? or have her evaluated at a sleep clinic.
BTW my husband had apnea/snoring as an adult- was evaluated at sleep clinic and had tonsillectomy etc- he was previously taking 2 naps a day and a regular night's sleep to feel like a human being. It's been 5 years and his sleep is much better. Oh yes, and he has grown too!!!!!!! (giggling) he teases that his clothes shrink in his closet....

[mommiegeek]

She doesn't snore, but she does suffer from allergies. She's on Claritin and Nasonex and Benadryl as needed. The Benadryl is at night because it makes her absolutely horrid and wicked mean. She's a restless sleeper though, like her father. She can toss and roll and spread out and move from one end of the bed to the next all night long. I don't know if she's just restless (like I said, her father is and I was as a child) or if it's something else.

As for height and weight, she is average right now, but she has fluctuated from below average to average; also, her bone and body structure are petite. All of the women in the family are petite, so her pediatrician has never been bothered by this. She's healthy, however.

[babygirl6152]

I applaud you for getting her help and most of all not letting her "play victim"- wow- you two are excellent parents. My parents got two children that were challenges like this. They never knew what to do with them.
When my son endured my husband leaving our home at age 5, he went through kicking screaming tantrums. We went to counseling twice a week and it helped. He is now 17, and is a loving, happy young adult. He drives, he is in Honors classes, he has made wonderful relationships with other students, he has a part time job, and plays the drums in his High School band. My point is, he is fine!

I know of kids like yours that are medicated. Don't refuse this kind of help if the psychiatrist suggests it. If your child were diabetic, you would treat her with insulin. Don't neglect  her needs by withholding any type of treatment the doctor advises you to try.

Now this is a long shot but I have heard of this particular reason more than once.  Is she average size and height for her age? Kiddos that do not sleep well can have major meltdowns in the daytime.
Let me give you an example.... Mikey sleeps 10 hours at night, but he sleeps fitfully and snores. He takes two one hour naps in the day hours.  How could he not be sleeping enough? He needed his adenoids and tonsils removed. Here's why. A child grows when they go into REM sleep. This is when the pituitary gland kicks in. When we don't go into REM Sleep or dream sleep, we don't sleep well. Even if it seems to be a long sleep- it is not a deep sleep. The child never feels fully rested, and is grumpy all day. When they have adenoid and tonsil removal, they quit snoring and get plenty of good sleep and wake up refreshed and no more grumpy child. AND THEY GROW- sometimes within that first year, you will see a kid shoot up several inches.

As I said- so many adults let their children slip into "blaming the other guy" for their wrong doings- By making her accountable, age 7 is usually considered the age of accountability, you are starting off on the right track.  Making sure you follow through with discipline and the consequences you have set in place shows her you mean business. its is so easy to slip back and blame someone else. You are strong and I admire you. Keep me updated. I love children and am interested.