Temper Tantrums

[greeneyesgrandma]

I have an 8 year old grandaughter whom I have legally adopted and she has been with me since she was a year and a half. When I place her in pre-school the instructor told me she was a very advanced child for her age, but also noticed she was very mean to the other children and on occasion threw temper tanturms. To this day she continues to be disrespectful and throws tantrums screaming and crying on occasion when she doesn't get her way. This behavior has remained at home only just until last week..the tantrums/disrespectfulness has now been displayed twice at an after school program she is in. She has yelled at the instructors and does not follow orders. This behavior has been off and on for quiet sometime now and they have tried to work with her. She has been in counceling off and on for 3 years but I feel it does no good.  They have now advised that they must suspend her and possibly remover her from the program if it continues. I have and the staff has spoken to her asking why she does this. She says is that she gets so mad that she throws a tantrum. ( but she is also very disrespectful) I have now grounded her from TV and computer and also told her that if if continues and she is suspended I will also take away her toys. What am I doing wrong in disiplining her? How can I help her direct her anger in another way..I have never expierenced this behavior before with my 3 other older children and am trying to do what is right and bring up a disiplined/respectful child. I am a single mother and there is no disrespectfulness/anger in my home other than coming from her mother which I have distanced contact from.
Please help...stressed out!

[jdtm]

Sorry - the first sentence should be "pull towards nature than nurture".

[jdtm]

I personally believe that the anger that my grandaughter displays came way before whem she was still in the womb. --  your words

Probably you are correct.  I really believe there is a much stronger pull towards nature than nuture.  I suspect there are major mental health issues in the genetic background of this child and she probably has inherited some of them.  I also think much of a person's behavioural tendencies are genetic (and therefore physical) and that is why counselling does not work that well (in some cases, not at all).  My guess is that this child is beginning to display the symptoms of a mood or an emotional or a personality disorder and all the love and discipline in the world will not change or cure this.  Have you ever had her "checked out" by a pediatric mental health specialist as a child neurologist or a child psychiatrist?  This is the place that I would begin ....

[greeneyesgrandma]

Hi supermomma, answers to your questions...yes she has been allowed to visit with her mother (my eldest daughter who is now 30) my daughter is not a positive influence, I personally believe that the anger that my grandaughter displays came way before whem she was still in the womb. My grandaughters biological father and my daughter were physical abusers to each other they were aslo drug users and that is why I have adopted my granddaughter. I limit her visitation with her mother and she has no contact with the father. My grandaughter gets nothing but love in my home, we attend church go to many functions/movies/concerts/dinners you name it.. thru the Adoption Association. She knows she is adopted and the reason why, She is doing outstanding in her grades and is at grade level 4 when she is only in second. She has no disabilities, we/ and school have used the rewards chart for many years off and on because she got bored with it so we needed to change it up from time to time. She is not teased by anyone, and we/councelors/social workers all agree she is angry and has a reason to be and does not know how to express it so she throws tantrums off and on. On a good note after 5 days of no tv or computer or IPOD she has on a daily basis been doing good in the afterschool program. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions it does help to talk sometimes!
Stressed Mom and Grandma

[supermomma531]

You said that you've had her since she was a year and a half. Has she ever been allowed to visit or be visited by her mother? Does she know that she is adopted? Is she being teased about anything at home or in school? Does she feel out-casted? Does she play sports? Does she like to draw or read or go for walks or dance or bake or listen to music? The reason for all of my questions is it seems like she's craving for attention and is willing to do anything to get it. So here are a few suggestions, first of all let her know that this behavior is very unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Secondly, see if she wants to do any extra curricular activities that she may be able to do through her school or another city funded program. Also too, how are her grades at school? Is she having any problems with school work? Does she have any learning disabilities? Any one of these issues can contribute to her behavior. Have you tried to use a reward chart? How many different counselors has she seen? Maybe you haven't found the right one yet. Check your local school system out because they should be able to offer some sort of counseling for free. She needs more consistency in discipline by the sounds of it. She doesn't take anyone seriously. Have you tried getting her to write her feelings down in a journal and or maybe painting or drawing, something to help her express her feelings. She maybe lashing out if she is being teased by anyone. She may not know how to appropriately express herself. I hope this helps you a lot.

[margypops]

Does she get on well with your 3 older children do the treat her kindly what is the age differance ,are they boys or girls,,I was wondering why she is so upset perhaps be any jealousy, .