Are we disciplining our daughter too hard?

[mammamj]

My daughter is 10, she has some challenges (ADHD, ODD, Processing issues being tested for dyslexia, TBI at 2, at 8 she was diagnosed with a seizure disorder that she has apparently had since birth and manifests mostly at night,) I guess that is quite a few actually.  My 14 year old son also has  challenges (PDD/NOS,ADHD, ODD.).  These are our only children, both were foster children that we adopted, and we are older parents (mid-50's).  Our concern is that our daughter repeatedly does what she knows and has been told not to do and when asked why responds with something along the line of she wanted to see what happened.  She admits she knew she would be disciplined, but it did not stop her.  I need to be clear she does not do dangerous or physically harmful things, just stuff she knows she should not do.  We have tried many different types of discipline over the 7 years she has been with us, and the only kind that seems to work has been confining her to her room and ignoring her.  As she has gotten older the confinements have gotten longer.  The latest incident involved a computer turntable used by her Dad to turn records into CD's.  It was installed on Monday, on Tuesday evening I was on the computer, my daughter came into the room and started playing with the turntable, I told her she was not to touch the turntable, explained what it was and that it was not a toy and easily broken.  The next evening, her Dad went up to tell her it was time for bed, she was in the computer room, she had taken the arm of the turntable and according to her tried to do rap.  She broke the arm, the compterized cartridge, and dug grooves (30-40) into a record so deeply they had ripped up the paper label.  She was given a week in her room restriction,  In our home that means homework right after school, in your room and only out for bathroom and meals.  W/hen in your room electronics are not allowed, no TV, Computer, or video games; no phone, no friends, no exceptions.  She is a pee wee cheerleader and since she committed to the team to cheer, if a game or practice occurs, we take her and bring her home immediately.  No after game socializing, snacks, etc.  She must also use her own money to replace what she damaged.  Since she does not get an allowance, she lost leftover birthday money, and any future gift money will be turned over to her  dad until her debt is paid.   The concern we have is that my daughter has told teachers and her coach what her punishment is.  We have been told (not for the first time I might add) that we are too hard on her, from more than one source, that the things she does, are normal for her age and we are over-reacting with our discipline.  One helpful teacher pointed out that since we had not raised a "normal child" that we might not recognize normal behavior when it happened.  Our son was much easier to discipline, and much quicker to grasp the whole consequence aspect.  He is high functioning, and with hard work was declassified from needing an IEP at the start oh 8th grade.  Our daughter has always been a bigger challenge in this area.  So my question is this;

Is my daughters behavior just normal for her age, and are we over reacting when we discipline herevery time she does what she should not?

[margypops]

I too think you are overly harsh on your child considering the challenges she has to face, child rearing is a joy  and it has to come from the Parents, what pleasures do you all enjoy together ,outings Games , sports and Physical activities like cycling , has she got plenty to keep her occcupied, it seems to me she is bored and it would only be made worse by making her saty bored and alone in her room, perhaps as you seem aware you can be too hard on her that you forgot the word Punishment and lots of discipline give her more care and love and psoitive attention, dwell on her good points not the ones that annoy you. Get her Dad in volved with Physical activities, and Games for her..

[RockRose]

I'm an extremely permissive parent,  so take that into account when I post.

Yes,  I think you're being too harsh.  It doesn't sound like there was any intent to destroy - only intent to satisfy her curiosity about this turntable.    My own person philosophy is,  if the child wants to play with the turntable,  GREAT,  let me know when and I'd be very glad to come help you as long as you'd like to play with it.   Virtually nothing - except toxins - are off limits in my house.  Had she gone behind your back and smashed the turntable that would be an entirely different matter - as it is,  she is driven by curiosity to explore it.  

If this turntable is too expensive for her to play with but she expressed an interest in it,  I believe I would have gone to Goodwill or Ebay and bought one and some records,  and let her play with it.  

Best wishes.  God bless you for adopting two special needs kids - parenting is never easy.  I may not be right,  you just have to use your own best judgement,  but if my kids aren't actually trying to be destructive I'd try to let them explore every chance I get.