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questions about my son who has SPD
I hope Specialmom sees this question. My son has been in OT since last June. So I know it's been a while, but his babysitter (the weekday sitter) says she feels like he has made only minimal progress. I think differently. and the OT feels like he has made progress. She knows one kid who has SPD and he went though therapy and now she says he is "totally" regulated. But I think while children go thru the OT, they don't just become perfect and never have issues again. Do I expect too little or does she expect too much. I know she knows one child, but an OT would know much more. She says I should get a second opinion and do more things with him. I just don't know what more to do. It seems like anything I do is never enough. I see progresss in him and his teacher at school said a lot of these kids it takes time to see real progress. He said a lot get better around age 8 and up in his experience.
I just don't like the way she acts like she is a child expert, I'm no child expert.
I just don't like the way she acts like she is a child expert, I'm no child expert.
Best Answer
Yes, I wonder if she is favoring her son. ONe day I picked him up at a park and her son started screaming in the car and she said he learned that from my son, but I've not seen that behavior before. Then another time, she said they were hiding from her when it was time to go and her son learned that from my son, but I told her he does not do this at home. I think sometimes two boys together come up with great ideas!! I think this summer I might need to do something differently.
I think perhaps they were playing with things and they were taken away or things that he deemed as important artwork given to him by a classmate were thrown away. He says it has happened MANY times and he has never said any other teacher has done this. So I think she has destroyed trust with him.
I am thinking about seeing a therapist again to try to get some techniques to deal with the behaviors. My OT feels like a lot are the result of the sensory and now that we are getting the sensory under control, we should try to work more on the behaviors, which I must add is VERY challenging!! these are challenging kids!!
I think perhaps they were playing with things and they were taken away or things that he deemed as important artwork given to him by a classmate were thrown away. He says it has happened MANY times and he has never said any other teacher has done this. So I think she has destroyed trust with him.
I am thinking about seeing a therapist again to try to get some techniques to deal with the behaviors. My OT feels like a lot are the result of the sensory and now that we are getting the sensory under control, we should try to work more on the behaviors, which I must add is VERY challenging!! these are challenging kids!!
Again, good advice and comments from Sandman.
I know I said this before, the "throwing" away is commonly the cleaning of a disorganized, messy desk in first grade. My son's first grade teacher routinely goes through the desks and "cleans" them out. (I've helped her do it when working in the classroom.) Kids don't usually see her do it as she does it while they are at one of their other classes like gym or art or whatever. But you should see some of these desks! She also sees that some kids do not take things home. So I'm guessing that this is how the "throwing away" started. When you discuss this with your son, I'd talk about that with him. Tell him that she was doing it to everyone and not singling him out and she thought she was "helping" him. She now knows that this upset him and she is not going to do it. But he will have to clean out his own desk. (I'm of course making the assumption of why she was throwing things away. And I'm going from the point of view that I "clean" out as well when my kids aren't around and clear out the excess junk that way that they would certainly still think we should keep. But ya know, I can't have a fire hazard here and need to be able to walk freely about the house . . . some of it has to go!! LOL But I may be off base for what happened with the teacher--------- so take my comment here for what it is worth.)
After what your son has been through with the abusive babysitter that hit him---------- he may have trouble trusting some adult women that come into his life. I would think this is still a reaction to that to some extent.
I tell ya, I have mixed feelings about this babysitter. A mom of another child may not be the best scenario for him. No, a five year old and a sensory 6 or 7 year old aren't going to get along all the time. I've got a 5 year old and a a7 year old sensory kid myself. Geez. They fight for sure and often it is my 5 year old having the "bad day". That is kid stuff. And a parent of the 5 year old is going to favor her own child and see your son as the problem as that is preferable than seeing her child as sometimes being a part of the fight.
What about a college student? What about a couple of college students that work together? I did have this when my kids were really tiny and my husband traveled frequently. I'd have a female that was in college for just a couple of hours a week-------- but she and two of her roommates babysat for another family and traded off based on their school schedule for who would take different days babysitting. They were WONDERFUL. They played, took it seriously, etc. I had another college student a year later that was also wonderful. Consider this. One of the girls I had was premed and going to be a pediatrician and the other was going to be a social worker. They were only with my kids a tiny bit to give me a break-------- but I think they'd be great for your son. After school, this would be a good thing with YOUR son being their sole focus. Anyway, just something to think about.
Have you worked on behavioral things and strategies that your babysitter can incorporate? That would be important. And always remember, you have professionals to make suggestions to you as to what to do and I'd use that resourse. And then you tell the babysitter what THEY say verses her making suggestions for you. She can tell yo what is going on, and I guess make a suggestion about something but not when it comes to a diagnosis or treatment plan that is in place. I'd rely on your professional support for that.
As you can see, I'm tending to ramble as I get back into the swing of things. Sorry for that.
I know I said this before, the "throwing" away is commonly the cleaning of a disorganized, messy desk in first grade. My son's first grade teacher routinely goes through the desks and "cleans" them out. (I've helped her do it when working in the classroom.) Kids don't usually see her do it as she does it while they are at one of their other classes like gym or art or whatever. But you should see some of these desks! She also sees that some kids do not take things home. So I'm guessing that this is how the "throwing away" started. When you discuss this with your son, I'd talk about that with him. Tell him that she was doing it to everyone and not singling him out and she thought she was "helping" him. She now knows that this upset him and she is not going to do it. But he will have to clean out his own desk. (I'm of course making the assumption of why she was throwing things away. And I'm going from the point of view that I "clean" out as well when my kids aren't around and clear out the excess junk that way that they would certainly still think we should keep. But ya know, I can't have a fire hazard here and need to be able to walk freely about the house . . . some of it has to go!! LOL But I may be off base for what happened with the teacher--------- so take my comment here for what it is worth.)
After what your son has been through with the abusive babysitter that hit him---------- he may have trouble trusting some adult women that come into his life. I would think this is still a reaction to that to some extent.
I tell ya, I have mixed feelings about this babysitter. A mom of another child may not be the best scenario for him. No, a five year old and a sensory 6 or 7 year old aren't going to get along all the time. I've got a 5 year old and a a7 year old sensory kid myself. Geez. They fight for sure and often it is my 5 year old having the "bad day". That is kid stuff. And a parent of the 5 year old is going to favor her own child and see your son as the problem as that is preferable than seeing her child as sometimes being a part of the fight.
What about a college student? What about a couple of college students that work together? I did have this when my kids were really tiny and my husband traveled frequently. I'd have a female that was in college for just a couple of hours a week-------- but she and two of her roommates babysat for another family and traded off based on their school schedule for who would take different days babysitting. They were WONDERFUL. They played, took it seriously, etc. I had another college student a year later that was also wonderful. Consider this. One of the girls I had was premed and going to be a pediatrician and the other was going to be a social worker. They were only with my kids a tiny bit to give me a break-------- but I think they'd be great for your son. After school, this would be a good thing with YOUR son being their sole focus. Anyway, just something to think about.
Have you worked on behavioral things and strategies that your babysitter can incorporate? That would be important. And always remember, you have professionals to make suggestions to you as to what to do and I'd use that resourse. And then you tell the babysitter what THEY say verses her making suggestions for you. She can tell yo what is going on, and I guess make a suggestion about something but not when it comes to a diagnosis or treatment plan that is in place. I'd rely on your professional support for that.
As you can see, I'm tending to ramble as I get back into the swing of things. Sorry for that.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Its funny to hear specialmom say I am exactly right, everything I know about SPD is because of her. Glad to see she is slowing making her way back.
Aide wise, this is a tricky situation. I would approach this from the angle that your son used to love going to school and something has changed. Do they have any idea what it may be? Explain about his statement. If you have a good relationship with the school psyc, have that person there. If possible try and meet with more then just a single teacher. If you have a good relationship with the principal - start there. Don't accuse (that can come later) ask for help. Can't remember if he has a 504 or a IEP (he definitely should have one or the other). Wouldn't hurt to see if any of the provisions in the 504 or IEP have been broken.
And ya, its important to see that things are still going well at school. But I think that putting your energy into helping the babysitter be more effective is more important right now (at least that's what started the whole thing).
And I hear you about being tired. That's why its important to pick your battles. You don't have the energy to hit every thing (let your son know that). Unfortunately, its only you right now that can fight those battles - but we are here to back you up! Hang in there - its worth it.
Aide wise, this is a tricky situation. I would approach this from the angle that your son used to love going to school and something has changed. Do they have any idea what it may be? Explain about his statement. If you have a good relationship with the school psyc, have that person there. If possible try and meet with more then just a single teacher. If you have a good relationship with the principal - start there. Don't accuse (that can come later) ask for help. Can't remember if he has a 504 or a IEP (he definitely should have one or the other). Wouldn't hurt to see if any of the provisions in the 504 or IEP have been broken.
And ya, its important to see that things are still going well at school. But I think that putting your energy into helping the babysitter be more effective is more important right now (at least that's what started the whole thing).
And I hear you about being tired. That's why its important to pick your battles. You don't have the energy to hit every thing (let your son know that). Unfortunately, its only you right now that can fight those battles - but we are here to back you up! Hang in there - its worth it.
I think my son has lost trust in this teacher (she's an aide) and I am going to talk to them more about it tomorrow.
Also, my son really has bad feelings about a teacher at school and I can't help but wonder if that is not exacerbating the symptoms. He used to like going to school, now he hates going to school and he told someone at school that he wished he could die and they asked why and he said so he would not have to go to school anymore. He loved school before. I just don't know what to do with teh situation. Of course, if he's had a bad day at school, then things are exacerbated with the sitter too.
She has a five year old son and sometimes they don't always get along and I honestly don't think that's that abnormal, kids don't always get along with each other. Most of the time they seem to get along. She always makes it that my son is doing things, but you never know with kids. The other day she went into pick her son up at a playdate and left him in teh car while she went to the front door, she said he started screaming. I asked him about it and he said he missed me.
I have given her a list and she does the exercises with him.
I think I am going to have one of the OTs do a school visit. I also need to talk to them more about this teacher at school and really push for something to be done. The social worker recommended that this teacher sit down and say she is sorry. I was told by him multiple times that she took his things nad threw them away, how much is true I don't know. But now he does not want her to touch any of his things and he often interupts when she talks.
Lately at school, he has been repeating himself a lot, like saying the number 88 a lot or underwear, they had a unit on hygiene and he thought the underwear stuff was funny.
I get so tired trying to deal with this.
Glad you are doing better Specialmom.
She has a five year old son and sometimes they don't always get along and I honestly don't think that's that abnormal, kids don't always get along with each other. Most of the time they seem to get along. She always makes it that my son is doing things, but you never know with kids. The other day she went into pick her son up at a playdate and left him in teh car while she went to the front door, she said he started screaming. I asked him about it and he said he missed me.
I have given her a list and she does the exercises with him.
I think I am going to have one of the OTs do a school visit. I also need to talk to them more about this teacher at school and really push for something to be done. The social worker recommended that this teacher sit down and say she is sorry. I was told by him multiple times that she took his things nad threw them away, how much is true I don't know. But now he does not want her to touch any of his things and he often interupts when she talks.
Lately at school, he has been repeating himself a lot, like saying the number 88 a lot or underwear, they had a unit on hygiene and he thought the underwear stuff was funny.
I get so tired trying to deal with this.
Glad you are doing better Specialmom.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I get the feeling that the weekday baby sitter is making those recommendations because she is working harder then she wants to. I would suspect that when your son gets home from school, he is probably tired from holding it together for so long (not to mention staying in his seat, external stimulation etc) - and so he probably gets rather active.
Realizing that it is winter and much harder to do now (in fact, how was he with her when the weather was good and he could be outside), I think (from what I remember reading in some of specialmoms posts) that she needs to "run him" for awhile. Do things with him that are really physical, and for a longer period of time. Not just the normal exercises. She will either see an improvement or not. If there is improvement, then its her decision on what she wants to do. If no improvement - well, that's why we have specialmom (hopefully, she gets over the sickies and is back with us soon). Best wishes to you.
By the way, how old is your little guy now, I've kind of lost touch.
Realizing that it is winter and much harder to do now (in fact, how was he with her when the weather was good and he could be outside), I think (from what I remember reading in some of specialmoms posts) that she needs to "run him" for awhile. Do things with him that are really physical, and for a longer period of time. Not just the normal exercises. She will either see an improvement or not. If there is improvement, then its her decision on what she wants to do. If no improvement - well, that's why we have specialmom (hopefully, she gets over the sickies and is back with us soon). Best wishes to you.
By the way, how old is your little guy now, I've kind of lost touch.
Yes, I'm a working mom and single mom and sometimes feel like I can barely think straight!! Then when someone questions things, I just feel like a terrible mother. She does do exercises with him. He goes to another babysitter on the weekend and does better there. SHe has four kids and he loves one of her daughters. This babysitter on the w/end has had some sesnory issues with her kids and she stressed to me that it gets better with age too and I've seen that myself. She has a dtr too with a feeding disorder.
The babysitter on the weekdays keeps suggesting that I get the head therapist to re-eval my son. I'm not sure insurance would pay for another eval as the first one was about $1000 at a different place. Do you think this would be a good idea?
I try to do everything I can. The sitter also made a comment about how she has to really watch him, well, isnt that her job? Yes, all kids need to be watched. Sometimes he doesn't always get along perfectly with her son who is five, but I think it's not that abnormal for boys to not get along and have little arguments, etc. IT's not like anyone is getting beat up, etc.
I just feel like this lady always wants more and I try to do the best I can. I've seen progress, he's not perfect, but I don't expect perfection .
She knows some kids who went thru OT (2 boys) and she says they are totally regulated now. Of course, they started at a younger age. My OT told me that my son is more extreme than some of her other cases. But I'm sure not everyone responds at teh same rate and to the same things!
The babysitter on the weekdays keeps suggesting that I get the head therapist to re-eval my son. I'm not sure insurance would pay for another eval as the first one was about $1000 at a different place. Do you think this would be a good idea?
I try to do everything I can. The sitter also made a comment about how she has to really watch him, well, isnt that her job? Yes, all kids need to be watched. Sometimes he doesn't always get along perfectly with her son who is five, but I think it's not that abnormal for boys to not get along and have little arguments, etc. IT's not like anyone is getting beat up, etc.
I just feel like this lady always wants more and I try to do the best I can. I've seen progress, he's not perfect, but I don't expect perfection .
She knows some kids who went thru OT (2 boys) and she says they are totally regulated now. Of course, they started at a younger age. My OT told me that my son is more extreme than some of her other cases. But I'm sure not everyone responds at teh same rate and to the same things!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am sure that specialmom will get back to you. She and all her kids have been under the weather for awhile.
My own thoughts is that the babysitter really has no valid comparisons. I kind of think that it is wishful thinking on her part. I certainly can understand why she would want more progress, but it doesn't work that way.
What I do wonder is if she does any of the OT activities that specialmom suggests with him. Or does she just watch him? Also, when he gets home from school, he has got to be tired and that does things to ones behavior. I am pretty sure that specialmom will have good ideas to do in that situation.
Her comment about doing more things with him is hard to answer because I don't know what your (or her) are doing. I do know that specialmom does a ton of stuff with her child - but she has the opportunity to do so (and if I remember correctly you are a working mom with a bit less time to spend)
So I guess, my main thought is that - maybe the babysitter could be more involved? But to do so, she needs training - which certainly would make her more employable later on. So try and work with her to make her more of a child expert with kids with SPD. Best wishes!
My own thoughts is that the babysitter really has no valid comparisons. I kind of think that it is wishful thinking on her part. I certainly can understand why she would want more progress, but it doesn't work that way.
What I do wonder is if she does any of the OT activities that specialmom suggests with him. Or does she just watch him? Also, when he gets home from school, he has got to be tired and that does things to ones behavior. I am pretty sure that specialmom will have good ideas to do in that situation.
Her comment about doing more things with him is hard to answer because I don't know what your (or her) are doing. I do know that specialmom does a ton of stuff with her child - but she has the opportunity to do so (and if I remember correctly you are a working mom with a bit less time to spend)
So I guess, my main thought is that - maybe the babysitter could be more involved? But to do so, she needs training - which certainly would make her more employable later on. So try and work with her to make her more of a child expert with kids with SPD. Best wishes!
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Anyway, let me just say that I agree with Sandman. To be honest, I would not . . . repeat NOT . . . allow the opinion of a babysitter to sway how I feel my child is doing.
My initial goal with my son? Have him function well at school with more good days than bad. That was IT! Things were so bad in school and in social situations that if he improved there, I would have been one happy camper. And he did. And hasn't your son? He is doing well in school which is his "job",right?. That is the place he HAS to keep himself regulated. Everything you do away from school is to fulfill that mission. That is why we incorporate all of the activities we do into home life so that they stay regulated enough to be calm and cooperative in school.
I overheard our OT tell a mom who kept wondering why her son would have one really terrible day a month at school. As in a really bad day. The OT said something that stuck with me. She said, "when you came here, he had 4 or 5 bad days a week at school. He will always have good and bad days and the goal is as many good days as possible."
I don't think that means to not work on behavior and regulation at home. We do. But I understand that he has a developmental delay and if he is having an issue at any given time, I go to my list of techniques for dealing with it and handle it accordingly. Really, I have a 5 year old without sensory . . . who also has good and bad days.
You worked very hard to get answers regarding your son. Very hard----------- I remember. And your ot is seeing progress. He is doing well in school the majority of the time. You've seen improvement. So do not be discouraged. Do not second guess yourself.
I would say that Sandman is exactly right. She is having to work at this more than she thought she would. She'd like a playmate for her son so the two of them can go off and play. But . . . it doesn't work that way with a sensory kid. What do I do? I get involved and we have a big game of funny animal walks. I call out the animal and they take turns doing it across the floor. We go to the park and have "Olympic Challenges"----- I call out things for them to do such as hang on the Monkey bars or climb the rock wall (all sensory activities). They can go run and play Spiderman after that but I get those things in! And then my son plays better after he has had those activities. So, yeah. She is going to have to incorporate sensory play into her time with your son (would be good for hers as well) and be involved. Do you know that when we have kids over that I am close by always? I listen and if there is a time in which I need to "help" iron something out, I do it. Sensory kids are inflexible in play often. They need help sometimes with negotiating. I've been involved and as time goes on, it is less and less. But I am still close by and listen for when I might be needed.
I think it is also worth noting that your son had a very bad experience with a babysitter in the not too distant past. That may affect him in some ways.
How long is he with the babysitter after school? I'd do as Sandman suggests. I'd make it really easy and give her a list of things that are sensory activities that you've gotten from your OT. Tell her that you'd like her to do a couple of those activities every time she sits with your son. They aren't hard and don't take that long. She should be willing to help in this way I would think. I also would go over with her strategies that your OT has helped you with for dealing with difficult moments/behavior.
By the way----------- what exactly is she saying she hasn't seen progress in? Some specifics in that would be helpful.