my 13yr old son

[laurel94]

The other night i went on myspace to check up on my son who by the way doesn't know (thought he did) and found some disturbing correspondence to a girl. I was shocked. HE was asking her if she would do certain things sexualy for him and if he could do things to her disgusting things that i didn't know he even knew about, things i wouldn't even do.
I'm very close to my son and have been talking to him since the third grade about sex and changes. I mean we are incredibly close more so than my 9yr old daughter and I.  That's another reason i am so upset about this, i feel like i don't even know my son, he disgusted me.
Somehow i have to sit down and talk to him i just don't know how to start, it's been a couple of days so i've calmed down some but the first night i couldn't even get to sleep.
Is this normal??  somebody help.

[247932]

that is normal he's 13 dont overeact o tell him u went on his my space thenhe will just get pist not like uandhe wonttrust u

[laurel94]

thank you for that april2.  I would never let him have his computer in his room it's in our dining room which kinda stinks but it's not forever.  
I found out after talking with him about this that it was a girl in GA. and he thought by what he has learned at that lovely jr.high school that that's what girls like and he was just trying to sound cool.  Well believe me I set him straight, he is grounded from my space and he had to go in and erase what he wrote and was very sorry.

and to teri853 i have his password and i am almost always over his shoulder. we also talk very openly about sex and abstinence and those terms he used he did not even know what a couple of them meant he just heard kids at school talk about them. so april2 was right in that your son can and probably has made a myspace at school or friends house.  you can't protect them forever you just have to hope you've taught him morals and smarts and put your trust in them, the world is a tuff place for kids today, there has to be a balance. You can also get a myspace account and make it even easier to moniter him i know many parents who have done that.

[April2]

I think it's fine to let them have a Myspace with some rules. You must know your child's password. They should keep their profile private so that only their friends on their friend's list can see it, and check it often, like every day. If the kids are talking dirty or sharing inappropriate pictures, etc. then they get a warning. If it continues, the Myspace goes for awhile until they can show more maturity. They have to earn it back.

I tell you what. I'd rather let them have a Myspace with my rules than have them secretly make one at a friend's house or even at school (and yes, they can do that in computer class. I know). I'd rather them have a Myspace with me knowing their password and being able to check on it then them having a secret one that I don't know about. You know what I mean? And don't think your kid wouldn't try it. They all do. The nicest kids will try things and go behind your back. Don't be naive. You have to let your kids be kids and have some freedom with limits. This is the way the kids communicate today, online. They all do it. If your son isn't allowed to do it at home, I can almost guarentee he'll do it at a friend's house. We live in a different world today. The kids talk online to their friends or text each other. They don't talk much on the phone anymore. You may want to reconsder allowing your son a Myspace with limits. Just a suggestion.

[teris583]

Hi,
I too have a 13 yr old son.  My first question is "what were you thinking with my space". I dont mean to be mean but my son has been begging me to get on this and i will NOT let him.  He also can only use the internet in his room when I am home and his door is open. His computer faces the door.  I am always warning him about online prediters and how bad those sites can be for children.  I too have open talks with him about sex.  Maybe you should show him more detailed std's info.  My son recently got caught playing around at our neighbors house, I copied the NYstate tresspassing laws and made him copy them 5 times so he know the law.  As he gets older i find i have to get more creative with his punishments.

[RockRose]

Laurel,  I don't know if he can go in and erase.  I'm very sure she can go in and do that,  though.  You may want to ask him -

[laurel94]

Wow i did not even think about that.  Ya it was pretty bad I hope her Dad never see's it I don't know what he would do.  Can he go in and erase?  now i'm all freaked out again. Thank's so much for that, i appreciate it alot.

[SL345]

Good point, especially about what is put on the internet becomes public.

[RockRose]

I agree with LRM and SL,  and want to add this - you need to make him understand that he should NOT put in writing stuff like this.  Do NOT put incriminating things in writing on MySpace,  or in a text message,  or anywhere else.  

What would happen to him,  legally,  if this girl's father saw this?   What he writes and sends electronically becomes public.  

I don't know specifically what he wrote that  you describe as "disgusting" - maybe something mainstream like  oral sex,  maybe something involving excretions,  I don't know.

At this age,  when 13 year old boys think about sex,  they often just kind of think out of the box about nasty stuff - and it's not an indicator that he will grow up that way.

Best wishes.

[SL345]

Good for you for waiting til you calmed down. You want to go slow - for his sake and for yours. I wouldn't recommend beginning the discussion with any statements about whether or not you approve of what he wrote or even whether or not it's harmful. Sex with kids is all about communication -- opening up (which it sounds like you've tried to do) and maintaining lines of communication. At 13, what he wrote is likely a lot more bravado than readiness to act. Yes, of course you want to convey your values, but the art is conversing without shutting him down. Let's say he does have some unusual fantasies. If you take a firm stance against them at the beginning of the conversation, what's the chances that the conversation will continue at a later date. Would you talk to someone about your sexual interests and ideas who told you out of the gate that what you were doing was wrong? It is unquestionably a highly sensitive area of human behavior. I agree you need to level with him that you know about his postings. Eventually you need to find ways to share that it was surprising and uncomfortable for you to read. So, after telling him you know, I'd suggest asking him how he feels that you know. Ask him if there are ways that you can talk together about this. Tell him that you understand he may have a lot of different ideas and feelings - some very exciting and some very confusing. It's important that he feel emotionally ready and mature enough before he acts. Kids are physically ready long before they are psychologically, socially, and economically ready. You want him to be sure that neither he nor anyone else gets hurt in the process physically, emotionally or socially. Try to find out more. Where did he learn about stuff? What are his values and beliefs? What has he done? Does he have a romantic partner or interest (understand for some kids it may not be the opposite sex)? Lecturing and recitation of rules, shuts people down. Listening and sharing feelings & ideas tends to facilitate communication. If it is too embarrassing for you (and/or him), what about his dad? Hnag in there. If you spoke with him when he was younger you have a good basis for beginning this conversation.

[laurel94]

Thank you for that, i hadn't thought of having someone else talk to him except we don't have family, i'll figure something out.  Thanks again,

[LRM1021]

I think you need to tell him that you know what he's been up to, that you don't approve, but most importantly, tell him why. If something is disgusting because its VIOLENT or HARMFUL, then you can say what the harm is and why you think its damaging. You can try to explain to him that this type of behavior can lead him into feelings/ relationships/ situations that he is just not prepared to deal with at his age.  He needs to understand that sex is serious stuff-- it has all these taboos and sutff in our society because it is so powerful-- and until someone is old enough to handle the power, it can be very dangerous (like alcohol, or guns.)

I also think that having a non parental role model, someone your son can trust and looks up to, but does not feel that parental "shame" thing, deliver this type of message can be very helpful in these situations. I know a few mothers of teenage sons that can't get through to their kids, but having another trusted adult talk to them has been able to get through. The point of being a teenager is to separate from your parents-- its about growing up and, unfortunately in some respects,  away from your family. Its important to do that, but safely. Having someone who is not your parents, but can steer you in the right direction, can be really helpful in this respect.
Good luck.