my 3yr old son makes me want to give up!

[ladyb23]

My son is three years old (October) and he is an only child. His father and I split up when he was a year old and he has gone on visits with him every other weekend ever since then (almost two years ago now.) He is very aggressive with me, will not listen,very challenging and has a very bad attitude. Ive tried time outs, spanking, taking toys away and everything and nothing works but seems to make his outbursts worse!!! I am a social worker / therapist and I try not to diagnose my own child however Im inclined to believe something is really wrong. Nonetheless, he behaves perfectly for other people. His dad says that he has control over him most of the time but he is defiant towards him as well.At this point I feel like Im losing control and I dont know where to turn. We are going to have him evaluated but his father also has a realy bad temper and I wonder if that was passed on to him. I know how the game goes and he will most likely be "labeled" adhd but I know he has the ability to control his behavior as seen with other people. Its just me that gets the worse treatment. Im so lost and ready to let him live with his dad at this point but I dont want to feel like Im giving up. Please i need advice and answers!

[NalaBalt]

I am a 13 year old and coming from someone who went through the same thing and I was the same way I was like that because I thought it was my mom's fault all you need to do is talk to him face to face when he's calm listen but don't get mad then tell him and show him that its for the better and that you love him but be firm when you need to because he will need the discipline.

[Tearsofastepmom]

have you tried seeing a psychologist  ? Maybe  he would feel more comfortable talking to someone  that he loves very much besides Mom and Dad .

[aid821]

My first thought was that maybe his dad displays this angry behaviour around him and your son has learnt to deal with the problems he encounters in this way (i.e bad attitude, not listening etc). I feel this could have a big impact on the immediate development of his personality and development. I'd suss out how dad behaves around him first and go from there.

I'm sure you already explain this to your son but reinforce that he needs to communicate what's on his mind, instead of the attitude or anger. for example, when the attitude begins, reply with " that's not how you talk to mummy". I have a niece who is very much like this and we all just reinforce that she needs to talk nicely, wait, say it in a calm way, stop what your doing etc. I know it may sound lame, but your son is at the age where this early stuff is effective in the development of their personlity etc

I know it's HARD but stay consistent, don't back down and hopefully soon you'll see a big change. all the best :)

[RockRose]

My education is in social work,  too.

From one social worker to another,  you know this.    You know  the stuff I'm about to say.  

The "sins" of the father are passed on to the son.  That is,  that father's negative anti-social personality is passed on to his sons,  typically.  For some reason daughters don't do this.

You have the double whammy of your baby having a father who has passed on anger issues.  And you are single.  That makes your job really really hard.  

At this point you need to find very positive role models.  That doesn't mean your lovers.  

That means uncles,  grandfathers,  cub scout leaders, t-ball coaches,   any really nice men who are better than the guy you made this child with.  

This sounds difficult.  It is.  Your child has been dealt a hand of awful genetics,  and an awful homelife with a young single mother.

Think with your social work mind,  and think how you would evaluate his awful situation as a professional social worker.