out of control son

[Doralice]

Our 10 year old Step son is very intelligent.  Above average in academics.  Behaves very well in school. Loves it and is easy for him to make A's.  Always bragging he made a A. He met his advance reading goals. and so on.  Constantly seeking attention.  He gets plenty of attention.  He gets plenty of Wows. great Job. You should be proud of yourself.. But it never seems to be enough. He sleeps normal but does over eat alot and is slightly overweight.  He gets angry at himself if he isnt the best at everything.  Over last three years of divorce, his behavior and disrespect has gotten worse.  From wanting to control his father, (he had admitted to wanting to control him) to the verbal abuse of his father. He treathens his father he will tell his new step dad.  Dispite his fathers attempt to discipline him.  He believes his father must respect him before he should respect his father.  Doesn't like being told no.  Refuses to stop arguing to prove his point whether he is right or wrong.  Becomes increasing aggresive and "ugly" with the way he looks at us if he doesn't get his way.  At the age of 10 has begun to soil his pants on a regular basis with poop.  After we show him the "evidence" he refuses to admit he did not wipe and will argue to the death and never admit any wrong doing. I am concern is more than just being bratty as he is manipulative and cunning.  No help from mother as she encourages the "daddy doesnt respect you and you should tell him so (he does it happily) or his doesn't poop over here routine!.  I don't think he is bipolar because he is not "depressed" just goes from happy to angry in a second.  He can act like a 2 year old one minute, and turn into a 40 year old repremanding his own father as if his father is his child.  My husband is strong with him.  We  tried the nice way, we try the medium way and now trying the "thats it!" way as to until you can respect this house you will not be picked up.

He has gone to some therapy in the past but obviously did no good as mother refuses to believe anything wrong with him.  We see that he has an equal say so at her house and she walks around egg shells to make him happy but also refuses to believe thats  what she does.

What other resources or behavior diagnosis can he have in order to try to understand him.  He just doesn't seem right.  This is more than basic growing up wanting to control everything since the divorce?  He is agressive and I am concerned.  

[Agiesmom]

You seem to think he's up to some cunning plan.  I hate to break it to you, but while 10 yos can be manipulative in certain situations, I think they are more reactive and perhaps a bit impulsive.

I think he feels empty--he's trying to "fill" himself figuratively with praise and respect from his father and I view the overeating as a way to physically try to fill an emotional void.

I'm sure that going back and forth is hard for him.  And of course he's going to miss his father--what an awful situation for him.

But the adults created this mess for him, so it's up to them to help him.  Does his father spend one-on-one quality time with him?  And I'm not talking about you all together--trying to make him be part of your family--and I'm not talking about watching tv together.  I'm talking about just the two of them going out to dinner, going to a park, playing a game, etc.

I think parents in a divorce/remarry situation are often too focused on themselves and how the kid needs to fit into the life they are trying to create with other adults when they should be focusing on the most important person in this huge mess--the child.

[Doralice]

Thank you... I didn't think of that.... Its weird though because he "cries" he misses his daddy... he never said he does not want to be over.. but I will discuss that with my husband and see what he thinks.  Maybe your right.. Maybe that was the enitre plan. I know he has been trying to break us up because he sort of wants his mom and dad together but he "likes" the man his mother remarried?  I guess time will tell. Thanks again.

[RockRose]

Maybe he got what he wanted in the end?   To "not be picked up"?  Maybe he wants to live with his stepdad and his mom and was trying to devise ever and ever more unpleasant ways to get what he wants - one home where he lives all the time instead of going back and forth and back and forth?