Is This Baby "Alright"?

[hdkrazee]

My 14 month old grandchild, who lives in our home with her mother, has recently started banging her head on the floor when she gets angry. She has been a "high spirited" child from day one. Her mother is bi-polar, and in the past has displayed many self-destructive behaviors. I'm worried about my grandchild's head banging and other agressive behaviors like hitting others, tantrums for no apparent reason, and frequent angry outbursts. I realize she just may be entering the "terrible twos" at an early age (she has appeared quite advanced, developmentally, from the beginning, and our doctor agrees with this), however, I wonder if this could possibly be bi-polar tendencies rearing it's ugly head THIS early in her life??? My daughter was adopted by us, and we do know that there is a LONG history of bi-polar disorder in her biological family!  Do you think we should be so concerned so early in her life, or are we just over worried grandparents??

[margypops]

Megaroni is right,seek some professional help you can bring into a court and in my Oppinion you should do all you can to keep the Baby with you, Also it is hard once sthe Baby is already upset to put a stop,if Distraction doesnt help ,wait for it to pass, as long as she is just Yelling and not physically hurting herself.It is a pity your daughter wont see sense I do believe that kids need their Mom and if she would see what she had to do to make it better and get Help would be the Best thing of all.

[Megaroni]

The one positive thing you have in your court is that the child is so young.  If you can get her to a child physciatrist she can get help, and come out of this perfectly fine.  Is that a possibility?  I know they help them through play stations, and with very possitive guidlines.

[hdkrazee]

Thanks for the reply!  No, unfortunately, the Dad isn't, and never has been around since the baby's conception. My daughter has a boyfriend, and he's a very nice guy, but they have a lot of problems with communication and they argue a lot. Thankfully, he doesn't spend a whole lot of time here so the baby isn't exposed to their problems very often. Plus, he's very immature for his age (19), so talking to him is of no help. In all, there are 6 of us living in our home, including my daughter and the baby. The baby gets LOTS of love, attention, stimulation and play with everyone. Fortunately, my husband and I are able to distract the baby when she gets angry, and that usually stoops the behavior as long as we're right there when it begins. However, if we walk into a situation where she's already upset, it's very difficult to redirect her attention once she starts. I think she is in tune to her Mom's anxieties, and reacting to them a lot of the time. My daughter "says" she's going back into therapy, but, as they say, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink"!  My daughter isn't very patient with the baby, and in spite of the fact that her Dad and I explain that the baby doesn't understand many of the things that my daughter expects of her, she feels SHE knows best, and ignores our input. We have given her many books on "ages and stages" of development to try to help her, but in her mind, it's all ****!  We have decided that our daughter isn't really capable of raising this child on her own at this point, and that if she does try to leave, we will do everything in our power to make sure the baby doesn't go with her, unless my daugheter does get some help and is able to display that she is able to provide the baby with a safe, appropriate, "healthy" living situation. Fortunately, we have MANY years of experience working within the child welfare system after being foster parents for 15 years, so we pretty much know the ins and outs, what we can and can't do, and who to call if the situation warrents. We really don't want it to come to that, but we'll do whatever is necessary to protect the baby, and make sure she has the best possible life. Again, thank you so much for your advice!

[margypops]

No you dont want her moving out your Grandchild needs you,The cjhild is copying the behavior she sees,and it is upsetting her, possibly you could ask your Daughter to get some councilling, but do it gently so not to make it confrontational as that wont help.Is there a Dad around you can discreetly ask help of with the Problem ,your Daughter is probably feeling overwhelmed aswell, its a Knock on affect. Try to talk to her quietly and tell her(your Daughter) you want to help and how can you help.her.As for the Baby" how about a lot of Happy stuff in the House can Granma Dance how about lots of Music, reading , Games and keeping her busy in fact that goes for both of them!!

[hdkrazee]

Thanks for the reply!  Her Mom gets angry at the drop of a hat and I feel the baby senses and recognizes it. Mom is in and out of therapy, depending on her moods and bi-polar cycle.  We have tried to explain that HER behavior around the baby isn't healthy for the child, but of course, all we get back is, "She's MY daughter, and if you don't like it, we'll just move out!"  That's the LAST thing I want to happen, because I'm REALLY concerned about the baby being raised and taken care of properly.  I'm just wondering, other than my daughter changing HER behavior, how do we go about helping this sweet little girl!

[Megaroni]

This is not normal behaivor.  My nephew started banging his head and acting exactly like you are describing.  He was about the same age, and continued to get worse.  The entire family sought counseling.  He was acting out his dads anger.  He saw his dads outburst and internalized it, and started acting out.  Once his dad got his anger under control and saw the direct effect he was having on his child things got better and better until no more outburst.