Is my 4 year old telling the truth?

[happymommy89]

My 4 year old daughter is court ordered to stay the night at her dads house. She dreads going over there and begs me to stay home with me. The other day, I asked her where she sleeps when she is there. She said, well if i dont cry, I sleep with daddy and his girlfriend and their other kid. But if i do cry, they put me alone in a room by myself to cry. then she says, I get scared." And I asked "why? Is there no light on?" She said "no, its dark." Where would she come up with this? I do not think she is lying. I've taught her about lying already.

[RockRose]

Oops,  sorry,  I just reread.  When you said "she is crying for me when it's time to go to bed",  I interpreted that to mean that also at your home she cries when it's bedtime.  

In rereading,  it seems she is crying at his house because she wants you at bedtime.  Sorry for the misinterpretation.

[RockRose]

I agree with the others that you need help.  

I'm trying to picture this.  Is this a child who is sitting quietly,  dissolved in tears,  or are they more like tantrums?  When you say she cries for you also at bedtime,  I'm picturing more of a tantrum than a child who is sad and can't help the tears.   So I'm wondering if her dad and his girlfriend are trying to set limits on a child who is vying for control - vs. punishing a child who is expressing sadness.

This is hard.   Can you be more specific about what the "crying" looks like?

[margypops]

Yes you do need help here that's a nasty thing to threaten a child with, very definately get some advice what to do and as I said I would stop visitations whilst its sorted out or at least overnight ones,.I would do it ASAP poor child

[specialmom]

Ugh, that is really really hard.  He took advantage of custody for overnights when you asked for child support.   Then he makes things hard for her.  Any way you can speak to an attorney?  Could you live without the child support and have him sign off his parental rights so he doesn't have to pay and you don't have to let her stay the night?  You can still ensure that he is in her life but maybe with a little more control??  

You have to stay kind of neutral with her for the time being.  Send a nightlight with her and tell the dad to plug this into that room.  I agree that she needs love and comfort at that time but if you have no control right now, at least get a light in there.  If he won't use it---  then he is being a grade A jerk and I don't know how'd he live with himself for being like that to his child.  I'd send a comfort item with her too.  A special teddy or something that she can squeeze and hug.  

I'd try to be friendly with him so that he doesn't get into some kind of mindset of using her to bother you.

I agree it is really hard.  Talk to an attorney and see what your options are.  

[happymommy89]

I want to stop overnights.Do you think I should take her to a child psychologist? I feel the judge doesn't listen to me. I was thinking I should bring medical proof. The father's girl friend also tells my daughter, "you're a baby, keep crying and I'll put a diaper on you." This upsets me very bad. A 4 yr old doesn't want to be called a baby. I would never treat my daughter like that.

[happymommy89]

She is crying for me when its time to go to bed. Her father was never really in her life before. He never had her overnights before. He only took me back to court and wanted her overnight is when I took him back to court for child support. She's never been away from me at until she was 31/2 because that is what the court ordered. She is staying 2 nights. Her father's girl friend also tells her, "you're a baby, quit crying or i'll put a diaper on you." Breaks my heart. My daughter should never have to go through this. I also do tell him I can get her at anytime. He won't let me when she cries. And the fact that they put her in a dark room when she is crying for me upsets me so bad! She needs to be comforted. Not excluded. Thanks you time. It really helps. I don't want to be a mom to ignore such a thing that my daughter is being affected by. I feel it's traumatizing to her.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  Hi, many a child tells what could be called 'lies' but it is actually just a misinterpretation of the situation.  Could they allow her to sleep with them (which I would not love anyway) and then put her in another bedroom but be remiss in that it doesn't have a night light?  She could be telling the truth without it being abusive.  Did you ask her why she is crying when they go to bed?  That is something I'd really want to know.

Then talk to your ex calmly about this. Tell him that at 4, the transition for bedtimes and things is hard.  She's afraid of the 'other room' she is put in to sleep as it is dark.  Ask him what's going on in a nice voice just so you two can work together because she is now saying she is afraid to go there.  You can offer that she have a full day visit but that then you could pick her up at bed time.  He may go for that if she is crying and disrupting others sleep (poor little one, I don't mean that in a mean way.  I feel bad for her that she is scared and unhappy).  

So, she could be lying, she could be telling the truth based on her perception but it isn't abusive, or the situation is abusive.  You need to ask a few more questions and then in a non angry way, talk to her dad.  good luck

[margypops]

sorry...wasn't sleeping with them ..

[margypops]

No I doubt she is lying and I think its best to believe ones child anyway. Speak to  the father and if it was my child I would stop visitations till the matter was resolved and she want sleeping with them .