Please help me withdraw from Xanax and answer a question re: it

[reallysad]

I have been taking Xanax ER for 3 1/2 years.  I was told by an
"addictions specialist" that it was "non-addictive" since it was slowly released.  I never abused it or took it other than as prescribed.  NOW I am suffering, and I do mean suffering, very embarrassingly from incontinence.  I will not go out almost at all and I live alone.  I am dying of loneliness.  I read that Xanax could cause incontinence and the docs have been unable to find a reason so they have suggested that I stop taking it.  I am just now beginning to wean off the first 1/2 milligram and am feeling terrible.  I cannot sleep and I am shaky and miserable.  I am afraid of getting worse, as I start taking less in 2 days.  I am so alone and so shaky and scared.  IS IT TRUE that Xanax can "impair urination?"  I read that on one question and I am having that problem also.  Please give me some answers and also know that I have a history of alcoholism and severe panic attacks years after that with PTSD and then severe agoraphobia.  Am I ever going to be OK?  Do I need a treatment facility?  What should I do?  Are there any "things" that I can do/ eat/ drink/ that are healthy and helpful that I might try?  Please help!

[espresso]

Hi,
I will post my update here. I read your story with interest, you have a lot in common with me. I have seriously been trying to taper down, and avoid anxiety attacks and withdrawal symptoms by taking some every day, more than I ever used to. I started with .50 mg and then .37 and just had low level anxiety. But yesterday I had to go to the orthodontist to get my wire tightened and (yes I am over 50 but I had to get my teeth straightened again as they slipped back), I felt the anxiety and tension rising, and took another quarter pill to add up to the whole .50. I still barely made it, almost wanting to leave or tell them to take someone before me as I waited for it to work...but I forced myself and got through it. I was proud that I went alone without my safe person. But then, it all wore off 5 hours later and I got new, horrible sensations: my left thumb was tingling, so I feared, maybe I do have parkinson's (my right index finger twitched a few days ago too). Then, I got tingling all over, and felt anxiety rising. This never happens, normally when the pills wear off I'm just OK at least till the next day! So, I laid down and had a one hr. nap and felt horrible when I woke up, cold and unsteady... but it abated after a few hours, and I then had insomnia until 5 a.m.

My concern is that I have "tolerance withdrawal." In other words, my body was telling me yesterday "give us another pill" when the .50 wore off. But that is absurd because for ten years of use I never even needed .50 except for funerals and weddings or other massively stressful things. Now, the body is acting like it wants more that .50. And I think it's because I raised it to .50 after my dr. said .25 was not enough. I told him I wanted to taper and use valium and I have that now but am still using the Xanax.

Here's the way I feel now - that I am better the next day. I wake up, I feel normal, I can think and remember. I don't want to take the Xanax. But if I want to go out and drive, I now fear I'll have an attack if I don't take it in advance. Like yesterday, I didn't take enough or well enough in advance. It has to be 3 hours in advance to be fully working.

I don't like being like this.

As for my broken toe , I had it xrayed, it was a fracture of the phalanx...the bottom of the toe. The foot wasn't broken, but the top of the foot still hurts and the toe still hurts. I still limp, but it aches even when I'm just sitting. The dr said it's all normal. The bruising is gone now but the toe it still swollen and shorter than the other. I still can only wear sandals with velcro.

Now, objectively speaking, I am very handicapped by these things, but if I had a job I'd have to manage, wouldn't I? I'd limp to work with a cane or whatever. But I don't have the confidence to apply for jobs anymore, all because of these constant attacks I have had, and now the dependence on the pill to prevent them, but the pill has horrible side effects. Like the tingling, the indigestion, the phobias, the muscle pains, and depression. I wake up fine, then the bad things gradually come on me unless I take the pill. But when it wears off I feel horrible.

I guess someone who had been through the withdrawal will say this is standard. I just would rather do cold turkey now even if I am a recluse and have to shake and pace the floor until it wears off. But I am afraid of seizures. The last cold turkey I tried in June lasted ten days and I couldn't handle the suffering so I went to the pills which calmed me and it was such a relief. I guess I am not handling this well. I taper too fast now after raising the dose to give me relief. I should not have gone from .50 to .37 but stayed on .50 longer.

I haven't taken the pill yet today and yet I have to drive and go somewhere just to get out of the apartment where I so hate being cooped up. I can't walk as it's not good until my toe heals fully. I would otherwise go for a long walk and just get nice and tired. I miss that. I want to be fit again. The benzo dependancy has taken away my fitness totally. I tried to stay with the yoga, but lately I do very little and instead play online games like Diner Dash 2 which are addictive and take my mind off my horrible problems.

I've got to sell the apt. before it gets foreclosed but as I am a total wreck and people find me weird as I guess it shows, I am afraid of getting a realtor to come here...also afraid of packing...and my kids will not help. They have their lives, they are not sympathetic about my struggles.

Anyway, last night I felt so horrible. I had to be brave not to go to the ER. I am kind of fatalistic now as the ER just makes you wait hours anyway, and usually whatever you have doesn't kill you right away so you might as well wait...and by the next day it's better anyway.

I am very sad about this. Only 2 years ago I was having a wonderful, fabulous life with 2 jobs, back from disability, everyone loved and admired my work. Then, it all went away suddenly and here I was stuck with the condo I bought...I just need myself back so I can get things done, because at my age, 57, no one cares to help me anymore...aging is very very hard ... people just lose interest. And that is totally unfair, as I am the same person who was so vibrant, popular, successful, and capable when I was in my younger years.

Oh well, this is my viewpoint for the day. To all who are suffering like me, let us hope we find the answer and stick to it and have faith.

[reallysad]

I just checked this site for the first time in about a month...due to being out of town and my mind not working as I withdraw from this med.  I am so saddened that others are also suffering from withdrawals from this.  Doctors are horrible to so casually prescibe this without warning people that they will become physically addicted and have insanely awful withdrawals oneday if they do take and ever stop this medicine...Xanax.  I am so very sick, still.  I have gone down from 4 milligrams a day, for 3 1/2 years, to this past week I am at 1.75 milligrams per day.  I am now weaning off at .25 mg per 10 days but with little help as my doctor had a massive heart attack and may not survive, if he is still alive.  Saw his partner, who is too busy to really help.  So, I go insane with the withdrawls... insomnia, lack of appetite and food seems awful, can't think or figure out what I should do about even small things... have a very hard time dealing with things like just getting groceries or paying bills or driving or shaving legs...yes, just have to really, really concentrate to wash hair and get mail from mailbox and insane little things... it is so scary.  I have lost so much weight and needed to, but this is NOT healthy and I am so bony, with loose skin.  I am 52, and just can't function "normally" at all.  THIS IS A VERY BAD DRUG and I would strongly recommend that it not be taken and something else be tried... it is just TOO addictive physically even if you are not prone to addiciton.  My brain is not working... there is ringing in my ears and visually things are not clear and in the worst days sort of "go in and out" and it feels like there is a brick on my head.  If expresso reads this two things:  I also stumped and broke my toe on June 8... and hit it again two days ago and it really hurts.  And, the temp. here is 104 today and getting out seems impossible so I completely understand your struggles.  Two: I have suffered terribly from agoraphobis and have been a complete recule.  I overcame this.  Although I understand that a relapse can happen as I come off this drug, I am checking my thoughts as much as I can... a friend, not a professional helped me realize something that "clicked" one night on the phone (he lives in another state) and I could start going out after that and take one step at a time.  I don't know if it will help but it was this: "IT'S NOT REAL."  He had to say this to me for two hours until it clicked.  "Yes!  I cried and screamed...the fear is VERY REAL!"  But, the point was that whatever I feared... the "thing" the "whatever" that was keeping me paralyed WAS NOT REAL.  THERE WAS NOTHING... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... TO BE AFRAID OF.  I know this sounds oversimplified.  I just got it finally and kept telling myself this.  I still do.  "It's not real."  I recently in June drove from Texas to Colorado to see him and stayed with my dog in a hotel on the way and am going out and doing OK.  I was completely paralyyzed not that many months ago.
It CAN be part of your PAST.  It really can go away and you can be so much better again.  We can both get through this. To anyone else withdrawing... stick it out and don't, don't give up.  I won't.  I prayed this morning, as I cannot do this alone and feel very alone.  I do have the one friend, now back in Colorado.  Am planning to go back and "rehab" there, as I live alone and have no one near me that I know.  Just can't do this alone.  It's too hard...so very sick.  God bless.

[espresso]

To the last poster, I hope you taper the pills slowly enough to make it less hard on your nervous system. I can't taper right now because of the extra stresses in my life. Xanax is such an interesting substance. It stops the body from the heavy fight or flight symptoms which I get without real reasons. The first time I was given it was at a clinic where I went after staying in the sun too long and feeling heat prostration. But the dr. said it was just an anxiety attack. Well, if I had never been given that, who knows? Maybe I would not have had any more anxiety attacks. I still think it is unusual that hot sun triggers anxiety in me, but it does. I didn't want to get dependent on it as I'd read about it before so I barely took any. I lost my job as I would only take half to try to go to work and it kept bringing back withdrawal symptoms. The drug itself causes symptoms; it is a two-edged sword. I'm not like other people now because I have to take it to feel "normal" and be able to go out and do things, simple things like go to the store or the dr. Yesterday I took two again, and was able to do everything even get my foot looked at; now I have to get an x ray. I do not want to take it today; I feel normal so far. But I know the attack will come, it will build up, the anxiety feelings and then the heavy tremor. Only 2 of the pills will stop them.

I always think, what if I just live through it? I have tried that route too. It's too horrible to go through. So I am still on the xanax train. I've got to get things done in my life and not waste more of it cringing in my apartment shaking and isolated from the world. To get better I desperately need psychotherapy and hope to be getting it from the new psychiatrist I was referred to. My life is complicated. My case is a mess, doctors have not been able to find a cause or cure. Only the benzos have actually helped, and yet they also made me this way, a shaking, fearful wreck. Only the human mind and spirit are still able to refuse to sink any lower, and at least I still have that optimism.

I am so proud when I get things done (even though it is the drug that calmed me enough to allow me to function). I think of the GABA receptors that were ruined by the xanax somehow so my body doesn't know how to process stress. I feel them being filled and soothed about 2 hours after I take the pills. I feel them struggling and crying out if I take only one, which is not enough. I remember when I was free, and well, and could do all things like fly and use tall staircases and walk miles, even give speeches. I am fully disabled by this thing, yet I am not supposed to be....and still want to get free again.

[ogredad]

Hello: I've read, with great interest, the problems that you ladies are having to live with. I DO feel so badly for you. I'm 55, and can relate to your misery. I worked my way up to 4 mg. of xanax over a 10 year period. I haven't worked full-time since 1996. Because of all the physical problems I believe are caused by this drug, I've worked my way back down to an average of 2 mg. daily. My gut distress had reached a breaking point. My once flat, muscular stomach looks like it's been stuffed with a beach ball. I haven't taken any xanax since 6 PM, the 29TH of June. That's how desperate I became. Nights are, and have been, a nightmare. My brain won't shut down and I have to take 4 mg. of seroquel to slow me down. Sleep is erratic, the dreams, VERY disturbing. This morning, my face and various joints ached terribly and I took [another drug!] Extra Strength Tylenol. As I type this, I noticed that my symptoms [including an alcohol-type of withdrawal] have pretty much subsided. But I'm sure that when I'm done, my brain will tell my body to go crazy again. I'm a Christian and as I lay there at night, I just kept praying out to my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ, for freedom. This was a great help. I WILL NOT RELENT until I'm FREE again! I don't mean to shove religion down anyone's throat, but I DO have to share the TRUTH which brings freedom. I'm so glad I found this site. God Bless you all! - Bob

[espresso]

I was reading the criteria for agoraphobia and they seem so wrong. They always mention "fear of having a panic attack in a place where no help will be available." For me the sensation of agoraphobia is just an inability to go outside, walk to the store, get in the car, or if I force myself, the need to get out of the line after only ten seconds, or turn around and come back after one block. It's not a fear of what WILL or might happen, but a body sensation like being in a vice grip, where the body will not move or begins to feel like you will collapse. It's a matter of how long I can bear the horrible feelings before I turn around and leave. This symptom called agoraphobia is common as a side effect of benzos, from all that I have read. People describe it differently but it is basically the inability to go out and do normal things that we used to do. It's a feeling that the body can't handle normal stimuli such as lights, noise, crowds, large buildings. So it is a fear, but not of what might happen. It's a fear of what is happening right now.

Today I think I broke my third toe, right foot, when getting up from the chair I ran into the love seat leg (wicker). It hurts, it is swelling, and I limp and can't put weight on it. Now I am hampered even more from trying to go out. So I weighed the options. My anxiety began to increase. It's another hot day - I took two xanax. The combination of the pain, the knowledge I can't go out even if I want to, to get to a cooler place - these magnify the anxiety. So the tapering again has to wait.

I know it's no big deal. I broke a toe in about 1984 by walking too fast and running into a coffee table  - I continued to go to work with a cane - however humiliating - that was long before I had any anxiety disorder. I got it x rayed at the ER, they told me there is no treatment. So I know this and just have to live thru the healing over some weeks. What about upcoming activities? I have to see if I can somehow go, or else cancel them. I am really a fine mess now.  Each time I think I am on the road to recovery a new thing sets me back. I had the ibs cramps, gas and bloating for days. Today it is gone. I suppose it didn't help that I ate baby food 3 times yesterday, as my teeth were too sore after they put the wires on tightly and I could not bite or chew on anything. It'll be a long time before I can eat apples or anything normal. I had trouble even with a banana as the teeth were so sore.

One of my chief comforts is visiting my ex husband. It's a long drive of 45 min. but I do it several times a week. We help each other shop (he has disabilities too). We talk, and he is always sympathetic. I hate and despise living alone. All i want is to get out of this cramped apartment and move back closer to my daughter and husband. The life I foresaw when I bought this apt. downtown was a busy working life but that didn't happen; I lost both jobs and never got another and my friends rarely come around. I sleep on the floor on cushions as there is no room for a bed. I tolerate it, but it surely is ruining me. Not to mention the traffic smells and noise outside. I live on a busy main street. These are some of my stresses besides my former doctor who is unwilling to help me and I have been having trouble getting over my feeling of failure, and of being thrown in the trash by society because i am over 50 and lost my looks, drive, ambition, cheerfulness and because I just look disabled, apparently. Like always nervous or depressed, I can't hide those feelings.

Withdrawing at this point, not even possible now unless I was in an institution with nursing care. But they don't do that for low dose addition to benzos. And the number one stress, besides my sister having cancer and I was unable to drive the thousand miles to see her so she came here and now has pneumonia. The number one stress is my brother called me angrily, he has been sending me money to help out but he demanded I come, over 3000 miles so I'd have to fly, and help sort our mom's things, which he is tired of storing and claims rats are eating them. She died 4 years ago and I did not go back, and didin't want to go back. I had to take care of her for 4 months as no one else would and watch her die. I am still traumatized by this. But my brother is whining that he has no room in his garage. I told him go ahead and throw it all out. I cannot come. Sorry to vent once again. These are a few of my stresses. In a situation like this, baby food or pancakes are quite comforting. I am lucky if I get no cramps and indigestion from what I eat. In my planning of what I want to do I always want to buy ingredients and cook real food but I cannot. I have a phobia that is very entrenched. All of these things combine to make it impossible for me to do any but the minimum of existing. But no help is forthcoming.

[rosetoes]

One thing that stood out when you posted is that you drink coffee.  I did too, and now I don't.  Caffeine acts as a stimulant and works against us who have panic and anxiety..it can make you jumpy and nervous.  I stopped drinking coffee, pop and chocolate.  While it was hard at first (especially Pepsi),  I don't miss it at all.

I'm glad that you got through your appointment.  This should re-enforce to you that all was okay and nothing negative happened and that your fear was unfounded.  I think the more that we realize that, we gradually start to trust we can carry on without fear and the dreaded "what if". It is great that your husband is there to provide support.  Keep challenging yourself as often as you can, you will begin to gain confidence in carrying on with everyday life.  Your family needs you.  Don't be too concern with the xanax now, you need some assistance now, this is not to say that you will need it forever.  

When I started to wean myself off of xanax, I had been to enough doctors to assure myself that I wasn't dying or had heart problems and that what I was experiencing was anxiety.  It was hard to beleive at first, my symptoms were so real, but once I was able to calm myself with the exercises I had read about, I did start to understand anxiety.  My bout with withdrawl from xanax was intense, but I am fine now.  I don't regret taking it when I did, it helped me through a rough patch in my life.  It was needed at the time.  

Do continue to write and vent.  It is good to get our feelings on paper so to speak, it makes it real and we come to terms with them.  It helped me and when people responded and could relate, I knew I wasn't alone and when we they shared of their triump, I was encouraged.

Take care Espresso and remember some positive thoughts.   Also, try to get involved in something of interest.  While that can be difficult, try hard to focus on something else.  Honestly, when I would drag myself to work, (after a hard morning with anxiety), I would get involved in my work and interaction with clients, for a brief time, my anxiety would fade. Once I'd get home, it would resume.  Slowly, I started incorporating activities in my evening schedule, so I could turn off the anxiety trigger.  It takes time, but you can do it.  Please try to resist the panic...it is hard...but you are worth it, positive thoughts!

Talk to you soon!