wht i want to die

[2sandy]

last week i wrote & got a amazing response. Thank you everyone. I keep rereading the posts & it really helps. some felt it would be better if i wrote about it. so hear goes.i was born in a apt in ny. no heat many days, sick a lot . my mother claimed i slept 12 hrs as a baby.she told me i used to scream when i peed. i guess that was 1st sign i had severe allergies. i have been sick most of my life. my mother used to verbal& physically abuse us. i cant count the times she said she wished we never been born & that we would never amount to anything.she was very mad when i was sick something i still do to myself when i get sick. feel useless. managed to get out have a family which helped for a # of years. I remember many times taking care of my brother when he was born & i was 10. he slept in my room until i was 17. i had total care for him. my mother woke me up several times @ noc because my dad was drinking & she needed someone to talk to. when i had my own family things were better. then my mom got cancer.she used me as her therapist & i helped her anyway I could. after she died my father who never liked me needed me & I was ther for him. He also suffered horribly until he died.At this time my teenage daughter turned againist me & stated she hated me. I was very vunerable & took it personally. it triggered the emotional abuse i had earler. i started to hate myself. my youger daughter started cutting herself. This hurt me so bad because I wasnt sure how to help her. I felt my whole life falling apart.Its been 6 yrs both daughters are doing better. Not me I hate myself & my life. I feel I cant do anything right. I am very hard on myself & everything I do is not good enough.I contiue to be sick 3 operation, bout with cancer. now my husbabd has cancer. i am not sleeping can barely function.I am taking xanex to help me sleep & using pain med to help numb me. its not working real well because when i at home all i do is cry. igo to sleep crying & wake up crying. I really want to die but I cant until god says its time. this is my hell

[Sammie4258]

I too have cancer and rare neurological disorder and my husband has MS.  I was abused also and have a situation very similar to yours. I believ you have been thru alot.  I believe the Lord gives us trials to make us more perfect.  He has plans for you or he wouldn't be giving you trials to mold you.  I believe in his plan for each and everyone of us and he knows you personally.  Never lose sight of HIm.  He is your strength, and hope.  
take care
sammie

[Sammie4258]

it's not that you want to die, it's just that you want to be happy and fulfilled and not hurt anymore.  Isn't that really what it's about.  we just want enjoyment and fulfillment in life and feel less pain. My best friend killed herself.  My childhood playmate.  All it did was forced loved ones to suffer.  No good.  And its final. No going back if you change your mind.  
YOu still have the power to find help and find recovery.  We have all felt this way from time to time.  It's more common that you think.
YOu have way to much to offer this world by way of compassion and service.  One act of caring about someone else will make you one step closer to feeling better.  Please get some med and help.  IF nothing else, give it time.  Sometimes time itself will take care of thihgs.  Just know you are not alone and you have a place in this world.  We are all hurting and are lonely for what ever reason.  I guess we have to remember the tiny little things that get us through like a little childs smile or a puppy wagging his tail when he sees you.  You can be a source of comfort to someone else here on Medhelp who is in the same boat. You got what it takes.  We are pulling for you and counting on you to overcome the trials.  We were put on this earth to have struggles to build character.  We all have struggles.  You can do it.       We love you here at Medhelp.  so hang in there..  We are counting on you.  
sammie  

[sjk2008]

You have been through a lot, however its never too late to change you path and your fate.  What you give out to the world is what you will get back in return. So take some of that energy you have (negative or postive) and see what you can do to make your place in the world.  Through everything you have gone through, I dont even know you, yet I know that over the years you have devleoped the strength to wake up and tell the world that you aren't going to simply roll over and let it smother you.  It's small steps, and long steps, but you chose to take those steps with your head held high and hope in your heart and I promise you things will change.  Don't give up, don't give in, be the strength you always wished you had in your life.