How To Forgive Yourself.?

[HannahNicholeee]

About 4 or 5 months ago I had fell in love with an amazing guy...or so I thought. I've never been this sad in my life. I had done a lot with him...after he got what he wanted he left me for some one else...I still miss him everyday...The guilt is so over barring.:(

[sara12345]

I agree with most of what you said, except for your comment that, "...people who behave this way always end up getting more than they gave."  I don't think that the guy got much of anything since he doesn't have any of his emotions involved.  Eventually these people run up against an emptiness that is beyond description.  So one can feel sorry for the guy while you also hold him with disgust.

But very good words to her.  Thanks.

Sara

[brice1967]

I understand the quilt you are feeling.  You gave more than you got, and are feeling a bit guilty and taken advantage. Totally understandable.  Most of us at one point or another get to go through this, and it is a miserable thing to have to endure.

I think there is a whole lot of learning to be done here, and it's unfortunate in some ways that a situation like this, forced upon us, makes us have to learn some of life's lessons.... Briefly, take this other person out of the equation.  It's important to remember that we can only control ourselves.  You cannot control another person, and realizing that might help relieve some of the guilt you may be feeling.  That guilt is self imposed and not warranted in this case....  Now, put that person back into the equation.  You can hold this person accountable for what they've done.  This person took advantage of a situation and disregarded your feelings and emotions.  That is unfair and simply not right.

It might be somewhat gratifying if you had the opportunity to approach this person and personally hold them accountable.  You don't have to be angry.  In fact, being angry about it only takes away from what you would be trying to do.  If you have the opportunity to approach this person, simply say... "look, you took advantage of me and my emotions and you hurt me... hurt me deeply.  That is wrong, and I am going to hold you accountable for that."  Then, you can walk away.... nothing further needs to be said and anything that person has to say can be filed somewhere near the garbage can, unless they apologize.  Even then, it's an apology so take it for what its worth and call it over.

(Control... you approached, you controlled the conversation.)
(Accountability.... you held this person accountable for what they've done.)

Forgiveness....
This is hard to wrap your mind around. Forgive.... not forget.  Forgetting this is a mistake.  You've learned that you are vulnerable and you will learn that you can move on from this.  Forgiving means you brought this to this persons attention, let them know how you feel and let them know that you are moving forward.  You are letting them know that they are no longer worth your worry and that is a lesson you learned from them.  (Be thankful for that lesson.)

Now, grieving.  It's normal to grieve the loss of a relationship, especially one that you invested into.  It takes time to sort this whole thing out, but its important to know that you cannot let this event be the story of your life.  Yes, it happened and it stung a bit.  But now, its a vision in the rear view mirror, and every day that vision gets a little smaller as you move away.

Maybe this is not a healthy thing to think, but people who behave this way always end up getting more than they gave.  Sooner or later, this guy will take a shot that will blow him out of the water or at least greatly affect his life for a while.  Knowing this will happen can be gratifying, but I wouldn't waste a moment waiting around for this to happen with this person.

You have your life to lead, and that life begins again... today, like right now.
Surround yourself as much as possible with friends and do something fun, just for you.  Make it a point to do something just for you, every day.  Even simple things... (My wife loves dark chocolate and has a square almost every day....)  maybe its taking a walk, going to the gym, reading a good book, enjoying some sunshine.  

You'll get over this.

[witheredrose]

You should not be the one left with the guilt! He should feel disgusted himself, and he should be the one feeling guilty for using you the way he djd! He should be ashamed big time! He took from you and left you hanging probably to go do the same thing over again.. and you have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to forgive yourself for because nothing is your fault.I am sure you had no idea he would do this..of course you didnt! please, dont feel guilty and like you have to forgive yourself for this,because your not the one who should have to!
Im not even into dating, so i know i cant possibly understand what you feel right now but i do know that you shouldnt be left feeling this guilt and him feel none for what he did! HUGS