I have no one to talk to.

[LukeL]

I am just feeling so depressed over the death of c ouple of people in my life, and I have no one to talk to about it. Either because they just deny I am feeling this way, think depression just means feeling sad, or it is far too personal to talk about to anyone.

I cannot see a doctor until I get medicare which is in November,

[el_dave]

Man, that seems kind of cold to me. Of the other people, I mean. I don't think I'd worry a whole lot about the understanding od folks who have trouble with a son loving his father, no matter what they felt about the father.

[LukeL]

Things are going a little bit better, although I hate the fact that people get angry when I am down. I know a lot of people didn't like my father all that much so they probably can't understand how I am feeling.

[el_dave]

Do you believe in an afterlife? If there is one, then your Dad and your friend are probably aware of your feelings. Betcha both would say "thanks, but it's time to move on". If there's not one, they're beyond all suffering anyway, and you can work your way out of your own suffering without guilt or regret.

That's really sad about not being able to know where they have her.. if I can find out anything about different ways you might approach that I'll send them, in case there are any you haven't thought of. I know there are plenty of folks who would say that it's better to let it go and not dwell on it, and who knows they may be correct. If it were me, though, I know I'd be same as you, and even when some fine lady happens along and relieves you of the pain, i can see nothing wrong with holding the memory of the one that's gone dear. Maybe that's just me, though.. the other folks in this forum are far wiser than I and should be heeded if they say differently.

When my Dad drew his last breath I was out in the lobby of the nursing home he died in explaining to my Mom that I couldn't keep coming back so often, that my business was just suffering too much. My niece walked out and with tears in her eyes just said 'he died."  I sure didn't expect that, I thought he was just sleeping because of the morphine.

Know the wisdom of the ancient saying: "Time and going back to college next semester heal all wounds."

[LukeL]

Thanks for your support, this all happened last april (on friday the 13th) my Dad then died on  August 14th, I sort of blocked this all out untill the one year aniversary of it all. I even took this semester off of college just because I couldn't think or concentrate and didn't want to leave the safety of my house.

Because no one knows what she meant to me I am unsure where her grave is, I have tried to find it on a couple of occasions but haven't been able to.

The only peace I can take in all of this is that my last words to my dad were "I Love You" and I was by his side when to took his last breath. It was strange as within 10 minutes of myself, my mom, and my brother getting to the hopstial he died almost as if he was waiting for us.

[el_dave]

Jeez, that's really sad. Of course, it was your Dad's choice to continue drinking. My Dad ended up like that with smoking, kept it up even after they told him he had cancer, which he did die of.

It's awfully hard to take a double blow like that. Now you probably wished you'd spent more time with the girl, engaged her more often. But you know, you can't foresee the future, otherwise you'd have done just that. We can only plan for and act on futures that are foreseeable.

Well, time does heal all wounds, and "getting it off your chest" does seem to lighten the burdens that weigh heavily on the heart. Lonewolf and Sharri are absolutely right, the folks here are very knowledgeable and caring, and you can sure use them as a therapist until medicare lets you have one. I used to laugh at people who suggested that just talking about something could help, but these people in this forum proved me wrong in that.

You may not have anyone to talk to just this minute, but you sure have some people to type to. Type at will. You've got a lot of years ahead of you, and there are so many good things that are going to happen.. think of that, too.  I'm really sorry about your Dad and your friend. Better days are coming.

[lonewolf07]

It seems like you have valid reasons to be depressed - all those lossess, your father and your friend.  Although I am not an alcoholic, Like your friend, I have tried to commit suicide and coming to this forum was the first time I admitted it.  When I expected judgment, I received encouragment.

Second guessing yourself gets you nowhere - trust me on that.  Dealing with the grief process is difficult enough.  El_Dave suggested unburdening yourself right here and I agree with him on that. Is there somewhere to speed up the medicare process?

You can say anything you want in this forum. There are a lot of caring, supportive people here and sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers than it is to family and friends.  You will find a lot of caring here and people who have experiences similar to yours.

Can't speak for everyone but I know I and most folks here would listen to you, support you emotionally and not judge you.  It's a safe place to talk about whatever you want.

lonewolf

[LukeL]

Yes you are making sense, the thing is, my friend died on the very same day I found out my Dad had end stage liver failure. I was taking care of my Dad a lot when he was sick and he continued to drink, I know he could still be alive today if he would have followed doctor's orders.

As for my friend, she was really the only girl who really showed any interest in me or talked to me. Even if it was just a friendly hi as we passed in the hallway it made my day feel a little bit better.

[el_dave]

Second guessing? You mean like blaming yourself because of some perceived fault or lack of action? Like with the friend, is it that you hadn't seen him or her since high school and figure if you'd "been there for them" it may not have happened? Because you were with people, and if you were with the one that died you wouldn't have been with the ones you WERE with, and if one of them had died you'd have felt the same way. You can't carry everyone on your shoulders, man. Am I making any sense?

I have a great deal of personal experience with alcoholism, both being subjected to an alcoholic, having loved ones subjected to an alcoholic, and of course spent quite a number of years emulating one myself. How are you second guessing yourself regarding your Dad's unfortunate choice?

[LukeL]

Well My Dad died from alcoholism, and a friend who I haven't seen since high school recently died, my friend I believe commited suicide, and my dad died from alcoholism. It sadens me because both deaths could have been prevented and I keep second guessing myself over and over again.

[Shari4444]

Dear Luke,

You are so young to have already lost "a couple" of people in your life. I'm sorry yoy are feeling depressed. Depression is a very real thing with many symptoms...not just sadness. Yooung people, like yourself, often feel a lot of anger, too. Have you felt this? One of the amazing things about depression is that it can even manifest in physical symptoms (how about you?). I am guessing that a lot of the people you have tried to talk to are young. If so, it is difficult for them to understand if they have not experienced it themselves. They are much more interested in the fun side of life than hearing about what they consider too personal and definantly not fun parts of your life. It is too bad that you have felt this rejection. However, I don't think your friends think of it as such, and really just want you to be your old self, again.

El_dave is a really good person to unbyrden to. I don't know him, but have read some of his posts and he really seems to have a handle on how to help people. I hope you consider continuing to use this forum to help yourself. You can do it, Luke. Hang in there!

Shari

[el_dave]

That's really sad, man. Thing is, here people know that depression isn't just "feeling sad", it can be lethal. And here you can talk about anything because you do have anonymity (is that a word?)

Why don't you unload some of that burden right here?