Hi, I'm 21 and for almost 7 years I lived in depression. I've never been able to talk to anyone, I've never had a single friend not even an acquaintance, when I see a group of friends or a couple together I tell myself that's something I'll never have. I have lived in a shadow everyday of my life. I don't care about myself, I shower twice a month, I brush my teeth once a month, I have knee pain that comes and go because all I do is sit around all day, I hardly go outside and the only person I see every day is my mother. Also a couple of months ago I started feeling a slight pain in my heart, and still I don't care. I've try to commit suicide around 3 times but I'm too much of a coward.
Whenever I try new things I give up before a week, I've tried writing, running, drawing, programming, painting, working out, but I don't see any interest in it. The only reason I get out of bed each morning is to continue downloading a new episode of whatver series I'm watching, a movie or a new video game.
Which brings me to another point, whenever I play video game I'm not playing it for the fun or for the story. I play it to escape my life into a better virtual one, I sit playing a game for hours while I'm starving myself and feeling dehydrated, which I know is sad, that's what I do because it's the only way I can feel happier.
Four years ago I left school because I was never learning anything, and since the teachers knew I suffered from a huge lack of attention and concentration they didn't bother to help me not once, so basicly all I did when I went to school was sit around looking out the window watching birds build their nests. So one morning I rolled over and said to myself, "Screw it, I'm not going to school today" and what started out to be one day ended up for four years, so here I am, the only thing I know how to do is write and read.
So I guess you can't judge me for wanting to commit suicide, because at the end of the day... Do I even have a future? It feels like I'm already at the finally destination of my life.