I know I'm depressed, but....

[xfrozenviolet]

I'm currently 13, and in seventh grade. I don't know what happened to me; I remember feeling ecstatic, energetic,full of energy, motivation. Around last year -or maybe over the summer, begining of the school year?- It's just... gone. I stay home almost every single day, and draw. All of my friends seemed to have changed, but I know it's just me. I stay by myself during school, and sit by myself at lunch and read. (No, they aren't ignoring me, I just tell them that I like quiet during lunch so I can read, or something else like that.) I'm just... quiet. Different. I don't make an effort anymore. I barely have any energy to get up anymore, and dread going to school every morning. I think as I wake up practically every day "Oh man, what could I do to get out of it today?" I'm not bullied, but sometimes, if I hear kids laughing near me in the hall, -even though I know it not to be true- I can't help but thinking they're laughing at me. And I just feel so guilty all the time, it drives me insane...

But sometimes, when I get home from school and my dad's home, I'm just, like, snap! Back to normal, feeling like I'm on a permenant sugar-high (though, it usually just lasts for an hour or so; I put on a charade for the rest of the night.) Not only that, but I get angry. Really easy. The usual source is usually my little brother. He's practically the stereotypical "popular" kid, who "all" of the girls like, and has an ego unlike no other. He usually doesn't even have to do much, just do one little thing, and I feel ready to explode. I know I shouldn't feel that angry, it just... happens. Nothing terrible ever happened to me to cause me to feel this way- I wasn't raped, bullied, abused, divorce, rejection, had a death in the family, ect. That's what makes me feel so bad about it- I've been doing my fair share of reading online, but almost all of the ones I've read say depression's caused by something traumatic happening.

Ugh, now I'm rambling. The point is, I feel... like that everyday; I know I'm deprsed. But sometimes, it just switches off an I feel normal. It's ... freaky. I've contemplated hurting myself more than once, and it scares me; I know how young I am compaired to the rest of the world. My parents don't know anything about this, no one does. (I try my best to hide it from them, especially my dad. (Soomething happened to his cousin or friend or something when I was little, or before I was born. I'm guessing suicide.) It kind of hurts, actually, that they don't notice... ERG. Anyways. I just feel depressed and without a personaliy, and then it's gone. Plus, I can't find a reason for depression (that I know of.)

(Sorry, I was trying to make this detailed so that it'd be easier...)

OH. If it helps anything as well, I practically never remember my dreams (though I wake up feeling tired, as if I hadn't slept. That, and disturbed.) When I do, they're just... creepy. (I'm starting to think I dream this way, even when I can't remember it. But they're just plain disturbing.)

[j17c27]

You sound exactly like me 4 years ago.  Depression started with me your exact age and the exact same things that are happening to you, happened to me.  Be strong, and I know it seems like you want to be alone but you NEED your friends! I grew so far apart from my friends and I didnt notice that it really effected me until this year when I started gaining my friendships back and i realize how much it has helped me.  They dont need to know your depressed, they dont need to know all the details (my friends dont) but just being around them and getting your mind off things is what you need. Dont lose your friends...please dont lose touch with your friends.  It is the worst thing you can do for yourself.  Be strong, it is a tough fight but if you do something about it now it will go away faster.  Therapy and medication together can be the best treatment.  Medication lessens the symptoms while therapy gets to the root of things and helps build you up to be a stronger and happier person.  I know it seems like you have no reason to be depressed, I thought that too.  So I thought I didnt need therapy. Turns out, things I had no idea would effect me did, and I am currently working to make those things better.  You are young (so am I) and we have our whole lives ahead of us.  This depression is only a little speedbump but when it is all cured we will be better and happier people cause of it

[nellyqwerty]

By the way, if you need to talk or any advice/help you can mail me because i understand the feelings you're having right now. Also, considering the fact i know quite a bit about mental health issues now due to dealing with my mother, experiencing it myself and my growing interest in this subject.. i have researched a lot, i want to do psychology when i'm older so just to let you know, there is somebody you can talk to on here and i wish you the best. x

[nellyqwerty]

I'm fifteen and i'm going through the exact same thing except i've had past traumatic events. But listen... teenagers are prone to depression and there are other people your age that are going through this exact same thing. Maybe there has been something minor that has caused you to feel down? It doesn't matter if it's little or big.. the fact is you're depressed and you need help. I strongly advice you to talk to your parents and a doctor. I left my depression a long time until i looked for help and it just causes the depression to last longer. This will go away and you will get better but you need a psychiatrist to help you gather and understand your thoughts, maybe they can help you find the reason why you are like this. There are many people that do not know the reason for their depression. The fact you're only a teeanger; you have hormones racing around your body at this age anyway and friedships, family, school stresses. It's a cycle though, you've began thinking in a negative way and you need help to break out of this thought process. Writing down the way you feel can help. Drawing is good but you need to try hard to keep your friends close maybe let one of them in a little bit, just tell them you're struggling at the moment. You should keep a diary and look at your moods, thoughts and behavior. Maybe go to the library and find a book on "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" This goes into detail about your mood, thought processes and beahviour and how they connect with eachother, it's as if... when one deteriorates then so do the rest... this is the cycle and you need to turn your negative thoughts into positive ones. You need help and support for this to happen, things will change.