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Avatar universal

Is there any hope

I have suffered from depression for about 6 years now. I am a professional at putting on a happy face, smiling, laughing, acting normal etc. I have experienced the loss of my first love, followed by the loss of our child, then the loss of my grandmother that raised me, and most recently the loss of my best friend. This has all happened over the 6 year span but there has been so much more. I was in 2 disgustingly abusive relationships, I have been left with black eyes, busted lips, yanked out of bed while sleeping, cheated on and had a knife held to my throat. I am FINALLY in a relationship with someone that genuinely makes me happy. Doesnt raise his voice at me, doesn't call me out of my name, just a total sweetheart. I fear I will never be truly happy. My bf tells me to seek help and is very supportive. I feel bad because sometimes I wonder if we will last. I dont feel like I can be happy, I also feel he deserves so much better. I randomly have days where all I want to do is cry. He is so patient with me but sometimes I can tell he is frustrated. I feel like I'm not worthy of love or happiness. To top it off over 6 years I have gained about 80lbs. I am just in a horrible place. I am disgusted with myself. Has any one hit rock bottom and came out of it ok? I'm lost sad confused and feel like this going through hurtful and traumatic experiences is never ending.
3 Responses
Avatar universal
First, there is no bottom and there is no top.  Life changes, we change or we don't along with it.  The losses you suffered cause grief, not depression.  Grief can become depression in those already prone to depression when they hang onto it so long it becomes the normal way of thinking.  The abusive relationships are a different matter, but did you leave them?  Did you stay in them knowing they weren't good relationships?  It's very hard to see this, but our relationships make us happy or sad as we allow them to.  These external events can be really really painful, but time will temper that eventually and most people move on.  Those who don't are those who are prone to depression, and the way to break that trend is to do what your bf is telling you, seek help because it's really hard to break patterns by oneself.  A good psychologist is a place to start.  Depressed people think ill of themselves, that's what depression is, and if you can work on the depression you can work on not being so hard on yourself.  It's not easy.  With that should also come the will to go back to whatever you were doing before that 80 pounds appeared.  Apparently there was a time you lived in a way that kept your weight where you wanted it, and you stopped living that way.  So you know how to do it.  There's no magic answer, it will take work, but it sounds like you're ready to embark on a new road.  I hope it works out, but listen to your bf, he's right.
Avatar universal
Yes there is definitely hope.
Depression is a medial illness, (which took me a long time to get used to that idea.)
Antidepressants don't make one happy. They make it possible for one to be happy.
I had to try a dozen different antidepressant medications before finding the one that worked for me. That changed everything. Now I feel 'normal', which is something I haven't felt before.
Any doctor can prescribe antidepressants. Or they can refer one to a psychiatrist which is a doctor who specializes in this field.
I know hope is what one needs right now to just hang on. It can be a very long journey trying different antidepressant medications. Yes there is hope. Quite likely a medication out there will work great.
(I used to think medication was a stupid idea. Doctor convinced me to try it. Doctor was right. The right one fixes the underlying medical problem, allowing me to feel 'normal'. The rest is up to me. At least now it's possible.
Best wishes!
2 Comments
(Did I write 'medial' illness? Arugh! This is why I'm not a medial doctor.)
While it's true any doctor can prescribe antidepressants, any doctor doesn't necessarily know which one to use or the right dose or whether taking one is a good idea or the proper treatment.  For that you need one who knows how to evaluate the patient because a whole lot of people who need meds aren't on them and a whole lot more of them who don't need them are one them.  So you really don't want just any doc.  You want a good psychiatrist, assuming medication is needed, and often the best place to start is with a psychologist since they can't prescribe meds at all but can diagnose.  
Tbd
External User
I also suffer from depression and have for 20 years. I've been suicidal.  It is very, very important that you find a therapist and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist is to put you on medications that will help you feel better. You'll get the most benefit if you do both the therapist and Dr.  I also discovered that once I started eating better, my moods improved. I've cutout sugar and carbs and feel so much better. I was surprised at how much more energy I have. This may also help you.

You can also reach out to NAMI.  (National Association for Mental Illness) I think their URL is nami.org.  They have resources that can help you.  

It's important to talk to someone. It may be helpful for you to journal. Sometimes, when I find myself getting on a negative track of thinking, I have to purposely think of something else; something that is positive. It doesn't always help, but sometimes it does.

Please hang in there.  I am sure there are a lot of people who love and care for you. I'm willing to bet there are.
1 Comments
Just to clarify something that has gained fad status lately but isn't accurate, you do not want to cut out carbs, you want to increase them.  Everyone is confusing simple carbs such as white flour with the whole category of carbs, which should make up most of a healthy diet.  This includes fruits, veggies, whole grains, and the like, which are the foundation of a healthy diet.  Without them you have no energy and no antioxidants, the nutrients that protect us from oxidation.  I would also say, whether or not your need medication depends on how long you've been troubled and how severe the problem is.  Most people should not have to take medication, and medication comes with a ton of problems.  When anxiety or depression is bad enough to make life too hard to live, medication is going to probably be necessary because therapy doesn't work for everyone and it takes a lot of work and time.  But to say everyone needs it is going too far.  All the best, all.
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