Nothing Going Right--So Tired

[JKJ]

this is more of a rant.  nothing is going right....hell, even my therapist comments to me the old saying that "if it weren't for bad luck, i wouldn't have any luck"....wow, isn't that supportive.  (that's the VA for ya).
i'm emotionally and physically exhausted but in a rage at the same time.  it's not a good feeling.  it's confusing and frustrating.

sometimes i just want to be so done.

thanks for reading.

[JKJ]

it's not that they only have one....but they are all wayyyyyyyyyy overbooked.  even she is.  i only have appts once a month as it is now.  between appts we talk via e-mail or if i get real bad i call her.  the VA system is a joke.  deep down i know these suicidal feelings aren't normal and i don't understand why i'm being told that they are "my normal".

i can't help but think that she just really doesn't know what she is doing. i mean, she isn't really a therapist or a doc......she's an RN (no offense to any RNs in here at all!!!), but she has been kind of thrown into doing therapy with pts because the VA is so short-staffed.

she knows i have a plan.  i don't know.  i'm just so tired. so, so tired.

[April2]

What kind of therapist is this?! She's crazy! Surely they have more than one therapist you can choose from?! You need to go out from under this one. Sorry, but she's a kook.

As to the thoughts, I'm so sorry. I know how difficult it is. I can tell you what worked for me when I was having bad, scary thoughts several years ago. It seems like the more you try to fight them, the stronger they get. I had to learn to not react every time I had a thought. I had to learn to just let it go and keep giving it to God. What worked for me, too, was staying busy doing something good, something I enjoyed, something that would help others. I had to learn to "catch" these thoughts and stop them midair and replace them with a good thought. It's not easy and it takes practice but it does work. I hope this helps at all.
Take care,
April

[JKJ]

thanks april & sinster.  i can't get these horrible thoughts out of my head.  my "therapist" (i use the term loosely) even says that my suicidal thinking is my "norm" and she isn't concerned about it.  she knows i won't go into the hospital (the VA hospital) because it is such a horrible place.  she knows i have previous suicide attempts...but still says these thoughts i have are "normal" for me.

wow.

i can't handle this **** going through my head all the time.  i just don't get it.  

[sinster]

that guy or girl needs to go back to school to lean how to deal with people . wow thats so not right of them to say.  im sorry they said that to you. if its any comfort i know how it is when everything you do is so engery consuming. seems like a waste of time and pisses me off at the same time.  its awful and damn sometimes you dont want advice but just a simple i understand. well hon god knows i understand .

take care . if you wanna talk drop a note. im finding the more people i talk to on here the better im feeling and for me thats a major inprovement.

[April2]

Oh good grief, she sounds like a controlling person. Go ahead and keep your journal on the computer and don't let her walk all over you. Be stubborn. Tell her you're more comfortable with this.
I'm sorry you're not doing so well right now. When I went through times of bad or scary thoughts it helped me to pray and meditate on some comforting scriptures. I hope you feel better soon.
Take care.

[JKJ]

Thanks for your reply and kind words.  Unfortunately I go to a VA hospital and can't switch therapists because there just aren't anymore available.  Actually the person I see for "therapy" is an RN.  The VA is part of my problems right now....a HUGE part.

I used to journal on my computer...but the "therapist" said I needed to hand-write my journals instead and insisted on it.....what the hell???  So I stopped.  I type faster than I write and it's just more comfortable for me to type.

I'm not in a good place right now with how I feel...very bad thoughts and there's nothing I can do about it.

[April2]

Umm, I think it's time to find a new therapist. Good grief, how supportive! I don't believe in luck, good or bad. Yes, bad things happen to people but good things happen too. It does seem like they tend to come in waves. I know how that feels. I had two years of one grief after another. It's finally started to lift. You've just got to hang on and ride it out sometimes. I try to see the positive in some of it. What did I learn from it? And did it make me a stronger person? A more compassionate person? What purpose is it that I'm going through what I'm going through? I started a journal awhile back and poured out all my grief, fear, pain. In a way it's hard to look back on it because my grief was so raw at the time but yet I see where I've grown. I also see that even in the midst of all that darkness and pain, that God was still there, walking with me. I had to hang on to that.
I hope things get better for you real soon.
God bless.
April